How do you tell your good friend, she's not invited to the wedding?
Hi Fellow BTB's! This is more of a emotional rant of my life right now, so you do not have to comment if you don't want to lol.

I am really good friends with one of my FH's best friends' ex wife. (That's a mouth full). They had a pretty hard divorce, but the thing is, they are civil with each other! When it was time to do the guest list we even asked this particular person if he was ok with us inviting his ex wife, and he said he was fine with it. Low and behold a mere 4 months until our wedding, my FH's father decides to drop the bomb on us that he despises her, and he doesn't want her there. So much so that if she does come, he may not be able to come to our wedding. How crazy is this?! I'm at a loss either way it goes with this and I really don't know what to do. She's been helping me with the weddding up until now and is providing our lighting and is even going to be our day of coordinator! Doe's anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this? I feel terrible :(

Married: 06/22/2013
Reviews: 5
Posted On: Feb 6, 2013 at 1:34 PM • Add to My WatchlistFlag As Inappropriate0 likes

44 Comments | Login or Signup to post a comment!
«123»

Amy A.
Married: 08/31/2013
Reviews: 5
Feb 06, 2013 at 1:41 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
She's your day of coordinator? She'll already be there, so why can't she come?

Private User
Married: Recently Married
Reviews: 6
Feb 06, 2013 at 1:41 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
that's a tough one. she's been helping you and is your day of coordinator and now because FH dad doesn't like her you're thinking of telling her she's no longer welcome (and fired as DOC)?

i'm not sure why he waited until now to tell you this since she's been helping all along, but i might tell him that you respect his feelings and ask that his love for his son outweigh negative feelings towards this person because they are both invited.

Just Reenski
Married: 1+ year ago
Reviews: 9
Feb 06, 2013 at 1:41 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Can you explain how much she has already invested in the wedding, and that she's going to be the DOC? I mean, if her ex-husband can be civil, your FIL (who isn't related to your FH's best friend) should be able to be civil for a day as well. You can ensure that they are seated far apart, but there's no reason for him to refuse to come to your wedding over it.

Are you guys paying for the wedding or is your FIL? Did he say why he despises this girl?

Gee O. aka Happily Wifed Up
Married: 06/24/2012
Reviews: 2
Feb 06, 2013 at 1:41 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Wow!
this is so difficult considering it is your FH's dad. He is pretty much giving an ultimatum; himself of the friend..too unfair.
What does your FH think? Have you both tried to reason/plead with him to be fine with it? If it was a random person i would have said pick this close friend, but it is your father inlaw! *sigh*

Sorry you have to deal with this..but first thing i would do is to really sit the dad down with your FH and try my best to convince him otherwise. If it is impossible, I might have to let the friend down...and tell her the truth, the real reason.

krisalicious
Married: 04/28/2012
Feb 06, 2013 at 1:46 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Is FIL paying? Like, could he make it seem he's giving you money for the DOC and so you can't hire her or something?

I would tell your FH to handle him and say something like, "Dad, we both are aware of your feelings and we wish we'd known earlier, but at this point this person has invested a lot of work and time into planning our wedding, her ex-H has zero problem with her being there, and she's coming - but we'll make sure to seat her far away from you and you know you'll be getting so much attention I bet you won't even notice she's there." And that is that. No ifs ands or buts.

Your FIL is being highly cruel and immature, no way would I agree to this. Seriously, he's going to miss his son's wedding b/c he doesn't like his son's friend's ex-wife? I call horseshxt. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Married: 06/22/2013
Reviews: 5
Feb 06, 2013 at 1:50 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
I feel the same way Christina! I'm not sure why he waited so long to let us know. I know that he "jokingly" said that he didn't want her to be invited, but then laughed about it afterwards!

The wedding is divided up between my parents, the IL's, and us. My parents have already done the majority of their budget, the rest sadly is relying on a little bit from us, and mostly from the ILs.

He says his reason for all this hatred is because this person has no morals and doesn't see how she could do this to my FH's friend. He is also good friends with that particular guy's family. I can see where the hatred comes from, but this is really none of his business!

My FH feels indifferent about the whole thing. He knows his dad is wrong but doesn't want to disrespect him either.

We're scheduled to have a "meeting" with his parents tomorrow. I really don't want to go because I just see it not ending well... AHHHH!!!! :(

Married: 06/22/2013
Reviews: 5
Feb 06, 2013 at 1:51 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
P.S. since she is my friend, she wasn't charging us for her services, if that helps.

krisalicious
Married: 04/28/2012
Feb 06, 2013 at 1:51 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Also - if you give in to this, he will throw similar tantrums in the future. You will be teaching him that he can get whatever he wants at the last minute no matter what plans you've made. Think of the people you won't be able to invite to your future kids' baptisms and birthday parties.

Nip it in the bud and just say no. He'll have to get over it.

And even if he's paying - I'm sorry, but he needs to understand that vendors have been hired a long time ago and so what's done is done, but in the future if he has requests he can let you know his preferences in advance and you'll talk about it in the planning stages.

No no no and no.

Married: 06/22/2013
Reviews: 5
Feb 06, 2013 at 1:54 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
@Krisalicous, I know!! This is really scaring me, I'm not sure I want to marry into a family like this!

krisalicious
Married: 04/28/2012
Feb 06, 2013 at 1:56 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Just read your update - if your FFIL is concerned about morals, your FH can explain to him that at this stage of the game, it would be incredibly cruel and amoral to tell this woman she can't come, after all the hard work and love she's put into your wedding.

It's not like he gets to screen the rest of your guests for potential moral missteps or marital mistakes. Whatever she did, the actual ex-H is over it, and it's in the past. I can see how his parents/your FFIL's good friends might feel protective of their kid, but they really have to let it all go at this point.

Forgiveness is a moral virtue. :)

Oh and don't be scared. Setting boundaries can be hard work when people are used to getting their way. My ILs are good people but trust me, I've been there done that. It's a labor of love but just try to stay calm, and pick the things that are important to you, and make sure you and FH are on the same page. You'll be fine. My H is worth it, I'm sure your FH is too. :)
Edited On: Feb 06, 2013 at 1:58 PM

Just Reenski
Married: 1+ year ago
Reviews: 9
Feb 06, 2013 at 1:56 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
How she could do what to H's friend? If the ex husband is fine, then everyone else can deal with it for the day.

I'm completely with Kris on this, listen to her wisdom.

We'llAlwaysHaveParis
Married: 11/30/2013
Reviews: 5
Feb 06, 2013 at 2:00 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
I wouldn't tell her. Your FFIL needs to get over himself.

I'm with Kris.
Edited On: Feb 06, 2013 at 2:01 PM

Gee O. aka Happily Wifed Up
Married: 06/24/2012
Reviews: 2
Feb 06, 2013 at 2:03 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
By all means, if your FH doesnt mind the absence of his father because of your close friend...then happily tell him you choose her. LoL! But if not....infact, just hope and pray in the end both can make it.

Married: 06/22/2013
Reviews: 5
Feb 06, 2013 at 2:04 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Thank you soooo much Kris you've been a huge help! I completely agree! I'm gonna go into this "meeting *rolls eyes*" tomorrow with my head held high and spirits up. I'll definitely let you all know the outcome.

Married: 04/07/2012
Feb 06, 2013 at 2:07 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Hate for a random human he doesn't have to speak to shouldn't stop him from loving his son. That's my opinion. Don't make this your issue, say " I'm sorry but she's already providing us with wedding things and unless you plan to take her place or pay for the added expense of getting rid of her to please you, she will be there. He's your son. You should be too. "


krisalicious
Married: 04/28/2012
Feb 06, 2013 at 2:08 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
lol Reenski, I wasn't so wise when I was writing vents about sausage platters. :)

Hey Michaela, if the meeting isn't going well, maybe you can throw your FFIL a bone. Is there something little and random he might like at the wedding that you can give him as a consolation prize to make him feel like you care? Something that maybe mildly annoys you but that will not be a big deal in the long run? For us - it was serving cake instead of cupcakes and setting out sausage platters after dinner. (Don't ask lol.) It distracted FIL (kind of) from the stuff he was really pissed about that we wouldn't change (like, you know, religion. lol.)

Maybe think about it before you meet with them. Little gestures can go a long way with proud people. And it sounds like this was just a basic miscommunication in the beginning, it's not like you set out to disrespect anyone. Now it's just too late to uninvite her without being cruel. You all have good intentions. I would bring that up.

GL.

Just Reenski
Married: 1+ year ago
Reviews: 9
Feb 06, 2013 at 2:15 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
More wisdom.

For this, I gift you more sausages.


krisalicious
Married: 04/28/2012
Feb 06, 2013 at 2:17 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
omg. lol.

WasSoon2BMrsSmith
Married: 2+ years ago
Reviews: 5
Feb 06, 2013 at 2:38 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
seriously I'd tell him to be a grown-up if her ex-husband can handle it he can handle it, she wont be sitting with him. Your future FH dad sounds like an ass, I'd confront him and say.

Are you really serious that you arn't going to come to our wedding cause we are inviting so and so? She is a close friend of mine and has been helpin me and she is invited, I hope you will re-consider(not if we , but becaues we are you wont show up)

Private User
Wedding: [Private]
Feb 06, 2013 at 2:40 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
I too agree with Kris and her bridal wisdom lol

If the ex h is content with the relationship he has with his ex wife, then whats it to ffil? Nobody said he had to like her or her choices, but he does need to respect you and his son. He needs to remember that this is y'alls day, not his. It is rather simple, he can simply keep his distance and not talk to her. To issue such an ultimatum like that is pretty toddlerish imo.

It is for one event, the most important one to date for his son and you, think it's time he mans up and acts like an adult. It won't kill him.
Login or Signup to post a comment!
«123»

Topics

Vow of Conduct