Bridesmaid issue
My fiance's brother's wife refused (via email) my request (in person) for her to be a bridesmaid. She's local, but will have a 6 month old and a 7 year old at the time of the wedding and feels it will be too difficult. The 7 year old is the flower girl. I've tried to be understanding, and she expressed how grateful she was to be asked in her note, but I am having alot of trouble moving past this. I feel very hurt, because I made this gesture in hopes that we would become closer and form a sisterly relationship. We don't yet know each other very well because everyone's schedules are so hectic all the time. I don't want to be irrational, but I can't help feeling really bad. It's really hard to talk to my fiance about this because I know he feels bad and is stuck in the middle. Hoping to get some objective viewpoints on the situation and also some advice about how to interact with her going forward. I feel like it is going to be very awkward next time we see her. Thanks!

notagirlygirl1104
Married: 1+ year ago
Posted On: Mar 5, 2012 at 6:15 PM • Vendors are allowed • Add to My WatchlistFlag As Inappropriate1 like

15 Comments | Login or Signup to post a comment!

Married: 07/24/2010
Mar 05, 2012 at 6:32 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
If she's going to have a six month old baby, and her daughter is already the flower girl, she is going to be a very busy momma at your wedding. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you or doesn't want to pursue a sisterly relationship, just that she doesn't think she can be as supportive of you as she thinks bridesmaids are supposed to be.

Nay-Nay
Married: 05/24/2014
Mar 05, 2012 at 6:41 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
I definitely wouldn't get too upset about this - unfortunately not everyone we ask to be a bridesmaid will be able to say yes (if so then that's great) but people have lives outside of your wedding and the only way it will be very awkward the next you see her is if you make it awkward - look for another way to get closer to her maybe invite her out to lunch or dinner - or go shopping together

Married: 10/06/2012
Reviews: 7
Mar 05, 2012 at 6:47 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Don't take this so personally; it's probably not a personal thing for her! Think about asking her to be a reader at your wedding instead. It's less responsibility but it still includes her and she will be honored. If your trying to create a bond why don't you also try to make a date out of picking our her daughter's flower girl dress (if you haven't already done so). Make an appointment and also ask her if they'd like to join you for lunch afterward or ask them if they could help you pick out some jewelery or such for the wedding. Don't push anything down her throat though so she doesn't feel obligated and stressed out by it.

Married: 10/01/2011
Reviews: 14
Mar 05, 2012 at 6:53 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
I'm sorry she declined your request, but I hope you can take a step back from this. Being a bridesmaid is pretty expensive. I'm sure she has some expenses from having a new baby. There may be some image issues.. will she want to be in a wedding with everyone looking at her when she might still be carrying baby weight? Being a good bridemaid is time consuming. Having a newborn is even more time consuming. Would you rather she tell you she does not have the time now, or flake out on you?

Like the ladies above stated, consider other ways of getting closer to her? Consider coming over and helping her with laundry or baby sitting or cleaning... doing something that helps her.

Married: 06/02/2012
Mar 05, 2012 at 7:00 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
I think you should accept her honesty and be relieved that you won't have a "my BM won't return my calls, help with anything" post in a few months.

Married: 07/31/2010
Reviews: 5
Mar 05, 2012 at 7:23 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
As the other ladies have said, do not get upset with this. Having a 6 mon old baby at the time of the wedding is going to mean she is going to be lots busy. She has agreed to have her daughter as your flowergirl, so that's good!

If you want to get to know her better, have you tried just asking her to lunch sometime? Taking her and her daughter on a window shopping excursion? Will she be going with you to look for flowergirl dresses? All of these things can help you get to know her better.

MySharrona
Married: 04/01/2012
Reviews: 6
Mar 05, 2012 at 7:50 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
You should thank her for her honesty. Not everyone wants to be a bridesmaid and to be blunt—it isn’t always about you and your wedding. She has a life with 2 kids and she is smart to know her limitations.

This is the kind of sister you want. Not the kind that takes on too much and then either bails at the last minute or does it half-a**ed.

And if you want to get to know her better—do so! There’s lunch. Coffee. Etc. (you get my drift)

notagirlygirl1104
Married: 1+ year ago
Mar 05, 2012 at 8:13 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Thank you for all your responses. It is very helpful to have some objective feedback. I think I am just too sensitive sometimes, and I will try hard to feel better about it. I do not want to create any rifts or problems with my fiance's family.

WasSoon2BMrsSmith
Married: 2+ years ago
Reviews: 5
Mar 07, 2012 at 2:47 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
I think you are being too sensitive. Perhaps ask her if she would still like to sit at the head table (if youre doing a head table) Also invite her to come have her hair done the morning of the wedding with the bridal party...if your doing that.

Married: 09/29/2012
Reviews: 1
Mar 07, 2012 at 3:18 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
I would make an honorary bm gesture to her. If she does a lot for you leading up to the wedding than maybe a nice card, etc. im sure she appreciated the asking. its not easy to say no to something like that

Married: 2+ years ago
Reviews: 6
Mar 07, 2012 at 3:43 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Count your blessings and move on. Oh sorry I was thinking of myself for a minute ;) Seriously if she will have a 6 month old and a 7 year old that is IN your wedding I would think it's nothing personal and just maybe a big expense not only monitarily but as well as time wise. I'm sure she's honored that you asked her :)

Married: 06/16/2012
Reviews: 3
Mar 07, 2012 at 3:47 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Well said Sami B. You can still involve her in the wedding planning process.

Married: 03/24/2012
Reviews: 1
Mar 07, 2012 at 3:49 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
You will have much much much larger things to worry about when it comes to the wedding planning and this is under the small stuff category! At least she had enough respect to be honest and to not beat around the bush! She must think a lot of you to give you that!

Dont sweat the small stuff! ;)

Married: 04/28/2012
Reviews: 3
Mar 07, 2012 at 4:52 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Hopefully, you'll have a very long time to develop your relationship with you FSIL! She's probably actually thinking of you. She's not going to be able to pay enough attention to your wedding planning if she's dangling a baby off her hip.
Mar 07, 2012 at 6:53 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Perhaps you could ask her to give a blessing or a reading instead?
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