ArwenToHisAragorn
Savvy October 2018

Plus 1 Etiquette for

ArwenToHisAragorn, on Dec 7, 2017 at 9:08 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice

Hi all! It's my first post on WW!! Woohoo!!

Alright here's my question: my FH has a big family. We want to keep the wedding relatively small (we're hoping for 125 so we're inviting 150 as most of the people we're inviting we're very close with). FH's uncle just got married last year. He has two kids of his own, and now three stepchildren. I'll be inviting all 5 kids, but it's now become a problem that I don't want to also invite the significant others of two of the three stepchildren (because I've only met them each once, and I'm already not a fan of the step kids to begin with).

Am I in the wrong for wanting to put my foot down and say no to the two extras? I don't even know their names and I've only spent time with the step kids 3 times in the last year, and it's usually from across the room because they don't talk to any of the family lol. Realistically I can squeeze them in if the consensus is that I SHOULD invite them.

TIA!!

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27 Comments

  • ArwenToHisAragorn
    Savvy October 2018
    ArwenToHisAragorn ·

    Darn, had a feeling that would be the answer lol.

  • Kelly
    Dedicated December 2017
    Kelly ·

    I think most people on here will tell you that your CANT not invite someones SO.

  • ArwenToHisAragorn
    Savvy October 2018
    ArwenToHisAragorn ·

    @Melissa- our plan was to over-invite because I have a handful of OOT guests that I'm almost 100% will RSVP no, but definitely deserve an invite.

    Thanks ladies, I'll modify my guest list!!

  • ArwenToHisAragorn
    Savvy October 2018
    ArwenToHisAragorn ·

    @OG All 3 are adults but 2 still live at home. I know it would make a HUGE issue with FH's uncle and his wife if I don't invite them so I bit the bullet -__-

  • He'smarryingmeformycats
    Beginner June 2018
    He'smarryingmeformycats ·

    I'd say it depends on their ages/ housing situation. If the step-kids live with your FH's uncle, you could easily just invite "and family" without it seeming off, but if you have to send an invitation directly to the step-kids, then the SO's are kind of part of the deal.

    BUT HEY! Maybe you'll get lucky and the step-kids will realize they don't know/like you either and just not want to come.

  • K squared
    Super October 2017
    K squared ·

    Significant others are not plus ones. If you choose to invite them then you need to invite their significant other by name on the invite. Also, don't over invite. I invited 107 people and had 97 people come.

  • Sarah
    Super September 2017
    Sarah ·

    If they are over 18 and in a relationship, then yes, they should get to bring their significant others. I have been to more than one wedding of H’s friends and I met the bride and groom at the wedding. I would be pissed if I was in a relationship and I (or he) wasn’t invited for that reasoning.

  • Monica
    Dedicated May 2018
    Monica ·

    What if you don't invite the whole family? how close is FH with this uncle? I have a few aunts/uncles that we don't really talk to and we didn't invite them. To each their own, but just a thought!

  • ArwenToHisAragorn
    Savvy October 2018
    ArwenToHisAragorn ·

    @Monica he's not that close with him but it's his dad's brother and they're very close. Really if I could invite just his uncle and his wife that would be ideal because we never talk to his uncle's kids and we REALLY never talk to the step kids because they've made it clear they want nothing to do with our family (it seems like they're bitter their mom remarried). I just know what a huge issue it would make with FH's dad and I just don't want to deal with it lmao

  • Stephanie
    Devoted October 2018
    Stephanie ·

    I disagree if they are living at home you do not have to invite them with a guest (unless the so is living in the parent's home). I don't plan on inviting my cousins with plus ones (they are single and living at home with their parents, all adults, why can they bring randoms to my wedding where I am paying 95$ a plate? UO here. ) I don't think it's appropriate honestly for them to have guests at my wedding. Their girlfriend will live there will be many others there they know, (they are invited as part of a family also not a separate invite)

  • Monica
    Dedicated May 2018
    Monica ·

    Ah I see Taylor, yeah that sounds like a tough spot. is FH's parents contributing? If not, do what you want and say you couldn't afford to invite his kids.

  • ArwenToHisAragorn
    Savvy October 2018
    ArwenToHisAragorn ·

    @Monica yeah they're contributing a pretty decent amount. Honestly, they're not making an issue about this, I just did in my head I think LOL. We won't be sending invitations out until mid July so I have time to modify the guest list to fit their SOs.

  • Stephanie
    Devoted October 2018
    Stephanie ·

    I feel like this is a double edged sword, I have been invited to weddings (while dating someone), and my so wasn't invited (we also weren't living together or engaged), I didn't think that was rude. If I was so hurt I wouldn't have gone to the wedding, but I am an adult and can handle social situations without my FH it doesn't mean the host is shitty in my opinion. I still went gave a gift and had a great time. I think relationships do come into play here, if I was your bff and you told me I couldn't bring my FH I'd be like ok, RSVP NO. But if we drifted in time and you still invited me, I'd be thrilled you'd still want me there, and I'd still go without my S/O because I love you. I wouldn't even invite the stepkids let alone their significant others because they seem to be so rude to you as it is. I usually agree with you OG, but I have been on the other side of this, and it doesn't offend me.

  • An
    Super September 2019
    An ·

    @Stephanie that is great that it didn't offend you but it doesn't make it any less rude and there are plenty of people that would be offended. Realistically OP should not have to invite any of the children but she has said this is not her hill to die on and will bite the bullet and invite them. In my area it is very common to live with your parents until you are well into your 20's and I don't think that should have an effect on whether or not they are considered "adult" enough to be invited with their SO.

  • Stephanie
    Devoted October 2018
    Stephanie ·

    I mean if it offends alot of people, maybe I don't want them at my wedding, people need to understand that. At least they were invited and it's an honor in my opinion to be invited, and it's expensive. If it offends you don't go to my wedding, I will still have the party I want with or without you. If they are dating someone YES, you have to invite them but I would not be inviting people I don't like let alone significant others. My mom asked me to invite her coworkers and I said "Mom, that's 8 extra people" as she had 4 coworkers and 4 spouses (because you can't just invite her coworkers) She said OK don't invite them then as it was going to be a lot more money for them to come, if they are offended they'll get over it, just like people will with your wedding. I just disagree here.

  • An
    Super September 2019
    An ·

    @Stephanie I think we may have a misunderstanding, all OP was asking about was the SO's of the stepchildren, who I believe she should invite if she is inviting the stepchildren. Agree 100% on not inviting someone you don't want there, but as I said before, sometimes you have to decide between inviting them and upsetting a family member, and in this case, OP said that upsetting her FH Uncle was not worth it. Couples should be invited as a social unit, either both are invited or neither.

    Inviting your parents' coworkers is a totally different story, and in the scenario you gave above, I totally agree.

  • Stephanie
    Devoted October 2018
    Stephanie ·

    I guess my point is, don't invite the stepchildren as your 3 people become 6 whether you like it or not.

  • An
    Super September 2019
    An ·

    Agreed, but OP already said that her FFIL would be upset and it wasn't worth it to her.

  • OGJessieJV
    Master July 1867
    OGJessieJV ·

    @Stephanie-Just because it didn't offend you personally, doesn't mean it isn't wrong.

    OP, you do not have to invite all the kids. As OGA said though, if you do invite the kids, they do need a separate invite, with their SO's name on them.

  • Stephanie
    Devoted October 2018
    Stephanie ·

    Whatever.

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