i Ruined My Proposal Surprise And Now Feel Awful

Hi guys,


This is my first time ever using a forum so I hope I’m doing everything right! I was just feeling absolutely awful last night and felt I had to reach out for advice.
Some background! Me and my boyfriend have dated since September 2021, so we have just hit the three year mark. We are in our 30s (33/32) and he knew from day one that getting married was important to me, and that I didn’t want to date endlessly. We’ve always been clear on that. Now recently I had been getting a little angsty with our three year anniversary coming up and still no sign of a proposal / any discussion about getting married seemingly ever coming up. We don’t live together officially (I have my own apartment - I stay over a lot but we were always clear on not wanting to officially move in together unless at a minimum engaged first), and with my lease expiring at the end of next month I was busy packing my apartment yesterday and found myself getting emotional at the thought of starting a new apartment lease for a minimum of another 6 months (that’s the shortest you can get)…while basically still living like a college girlfriend. I ended up crying in front of him in the evening when he noticed I was down over dinner, and telling him that I resented him for making me feel like I need to come out and beg about wanting to get married, that my lease was so clearly expiring, that it had been three years, and that I didn’t understand why he was making us wait. I’m also on my PMS and in my anger said I was going to consider leaving my options open, and that I might leave the state in January and move elsewhere to clear my head for a while after Christmas. In short, I sounded like both a brat and an idiot. I had just come to a sort of mental breaking point I guess.
Turns out, he had been planning on proposing to me next month when we went to our favourite restaurant together - I know it’s been booked for a month and had overheard him struggling and trying hard to get a reservation since they have a waitlist (I was just too stupid to figure out why). He told me that he had of course thought about the lease expiring and had been planning for me to move in with him after getting engaged, but he had been eager to make it a special surprise at our favourite restaurant. Looking back, I realise now that there had been signs, e.g. him randomly asking about ring sizes over the summer / trying to be casual about it, which got me secretly excited at the time, but then when nothing happened I’d forgotten about it. So he’s not making it up - he genuinely was about to, and I’d just ruined everything 3-4 weeks before it happened by being a big crybaby and a brat.
I don’t know what to do. This is not the way I wanted our proposal to be, especially after waiting for it for three years, aka with me knowing in advance, post tantrum. I feel like it’s taken a lot of the specialness out of it not just for me but for him as well (he’s very traditional in that sense), but it’s not something I can fix. I didn’t sleep all night. Have I totally ruined this for us? And is there anything you ladies would advise I do to at least try to salvage things? 😢 Thank you ♥️