Save The Date.... alright to ask if they can make an out of state wedding?

I think that's what the invitations are for, that's when people will RSVP. If you really need to know how many are going to make it then send out invitations instead maybe?

I don't know about asking...but if you put ALL of your wedding info out early (wedding website) wedding info on the save the date...some people will treat it as a invite and RSVP or book rooms ASAP. We sent out Save the dates awhile ago and we had people almost instantly booking rooms and sending messages that they could or couldn't make it (not all though...maybe 15-20 percent did that).

I agree that's what the invites are for so if you need to know sooner it's Prbly time to get creative! You can send out STD's and either call the guests yourself or have mom or dad or another close family member call to catch up with so and so and my guess is the wedding will come up and you'll have some idea how many can come ( note don't call just to ask about the wedding call talk about what is knew with them and it will more than likely come up)

Or include your wedding website on STDs and set up online rsvps from the start! You may get some idea although some might not RSVP til the wedding

If your reception hall is limited to 50 people, you don't invite one person more, and you certainly don't tell your guests that seating is limited to the first 50 to RSVP, which is exactly how your guests are going to read that, regardless of how you word it. Be it far from me to be the Etiquette Police, but that's just outwardly bad etiquette. You either shave your guest list down or you find another venue. You can't have it both ways. I'm an advocate for only sending STD's to immediate family and best friends anyway, because if someone gets ANYTHING from you WR (from engagement party or shower invites to STD's), that is your way of telling them they are on your guest list and to be expecting an invite, and you sound like you have waaaay too many variables going on here to be sending out anything WR willy-nilly. I would hold off on sending out those cards until you have made a decision on what you are going to do, be it shaving your guest list (and possibly make a "B" list, who don't get STD's at all) or getting a bigger venue.

Personally I would stray away from that. That seems more of an invitation thing.

Just be careful with your list. Make sure that you create an A list and a B list. It's ok if people on the B list do not get a STD.

No, that is not ok. The purpose of STDs is to request that people SAVE the date of your wedding on their calendars - not to ask them if they can come - and you follow up with an invitation later. Anyone who is sent an STD must be sent an invitation.

If your venue only fits 50 people, then you don't send STDs to any more people than that. Then you send them invitations later and they will RSVP yes or no. Some guests WILL tell you that they can't make it when they receive the STD. That will allow you to send additional invitations when it's time to send them.

Thanks everyone! We're doing the A list and B list as it doesn't take long to get to 50. We don't want a larger venue and we don't want to invite more. We both want an intimate gathering. With that being said, of course we'd like family there first, but if they choose not to make the trip and spend the $$$, then we'd love to have our friends that we've made since moving here come. It's a touchy situation but I think we're headed in the right direction and maybe that means giving a whole new meaning to how to use the SAVE THE DATE cards. :-)

If you really only have room for 50, put an RSVP with a reply-by-date on the save the date.

Anyone who says no will not get an invitation and you can send a save the date to the next

person on your list (which is made with the must-be-inviteds listed first)

But I agree with others, you CANNOT send a save the date to someone without sending them an invitation later (unless they let you know they cannot attend, then they won't get an invitation)

Yep. That's how we're going. If they reply "can't make it, sorry" then that opens the spot for another. No biggie. Dealing with family first then move on from there. Thanks!

You can't ask people to RSVP from a save the date. What if something happens 2 months down the road and you get a phone call that says they can now attend? Are you going to tell them sorry, but you had your chance?

STD's are an invitation plain and simple. It is not conditional. It is a notice to please save our date and we will follow up with the formal invitations. This is also why you still invite people who tell you months out they can't attend. Plans can change! No RSVPs on STDs!

No, you're not giving a "whole new meaning" to Save the Dates - you're just doing them wrong. STDs are not supposed to come with an RSVP obligation. That is what invitations are for. Guests should not be expected to know their schedules and whether or not they can attend 6-9 months before your wedding. Things change. An STD is simply a head's up to save the date. The invitation - which comes much closer to the wedding date - is when they give a final response.

And as pp said, if a guest says they can't attend once they receive the STD but their schedule changes 3 months later, are you going to say "sorry, we've given your spot away"?

Lots of people have small, intimate weddings. Your situation is not unique.

If your space only fits 50 people then don't invite any more than that. I would not say space is limited anywhere people will take that personal. Maybe just skip the STD and wait until you send out invitations, the purpose of invites is to let you know exactly how many people will actually come you can't ask anyone to RSVP 5 months before a wedding because what if something happens later on, its just going to give you lots of headaches.

O.K. We're done here. We had all of our relatives asking "what's the date" and hounding us. We couldn't please everyone. We set the date and needed to know if "you're in"... or "you're out"..... it's our family and sorry I brought it up on this discussion board! We agreed it's all in "the delivery" but we need to know now and our family from out of state needed to know so they knew if it #1, fit into their schedules and #2, fit into their budget. We layed it on the line and everyone is happy in OUR family and OUR wedding. We sent the STD and said..... "we'd love for you to be there..... but if you can't make it, please let us know. Plus, there are family we really want to be there..... and family that hey, if they can't make it, afford it or what have you.... no hard feelings! But we're not budgeting for and spending for a party of 50 and then ending up with 25 because we waited for family members to decide if it's important enough or they have enough money. Our decision and we're happy we made it! Thanks!!!

So why'd you ask the question when you clearly already had the STDs printed with your douchey message to send today?

And yes..... save the date can have multiple purposes.... we just proved it! :-) Brides need to get their heads out of their A*(*S and do what's right for them and their families and situations and stop being so danged POLITICALLY CORRECT! :-)

I'm not sure why you bothered asking for opinions when you were just going to get so butt hurt at the responses. In your original post you said that your fiancé didn't even agree with what you wanted to do - "I say it's fine and he says NO". I guess his opinion doesn't matter either and he needs to get his head out of his A*(S* too?!

I just wanted you to know that I'm having this same issue right now, and I appreciated reading all of this- Thanks!!

I enjoyed reading this as well for making things work! It's valuable to see different opinions and weigh options even if you end up going with your gut in the end. I am wondering the same thing for my wedding and this was helpful.

Having the same issue.. I really liked how a friend did it, where they had a separate QR code that said "If you are unable to attend, please let us know by filling out this form." Too bad I cannot add a second QR code on our Save the Dates so I came here to figure out my wording!

I am struggling between putting "If you already know you are unable to attend, please let us know, as space is limited." or just saying "please let us know on our website." But I think I will go with the second one so people do not get all weird about it. I just wish I could get the point across!

Also I really need people to stop calling Save the Dates "STDs".. this cannot be the acronym we decide to use haha.