Dad’s wife was his mistress and mom doesn’t want her at my wedding

I'm afraid that the person paying for the wedding is the only one with any real power. So, if he's refusing to discuss it, then I would assume it's a done deal. If you want to craft the guest list without her, I would suggest declining his money and having the wedding you want.

Since this is on the Etiquette forum, it is against etiquette to invite a guest and not their spouse/ partner. So even if you threw a different wedding where you and your partner pay and be the hosts, you cannot invite Dad and not his wife.

Also, how dare your mother and her family try to manipulate you.

Your mom shouldn't be projecting her issues onto you; especially for your wedding! This is your mother's issue, and she needs to work through it. The fact that she is still this angry after seven years is incredibly unhealthy. It sounds like she needs to seek therapy/counseling to help her work through those issues.

Dad is paying for the wedding - there is no way you can take his money then insult him by not inviting his spouse.

As anyone else has said. This is your wedding and this is not your drama to fix. If your mother still has strong feelings about this situation, she needs to work them through but leave you out of it. No one should use this against you and if any of the family members don’t want to attend then oh well. He is your dad and he is paying for the wedding. Asking him not to bring her will be an insult. You need to have a conversation with your mother and make her understand that’s the right thing to do.

I don't think it's fair of your mom to ask you to exclude your dad's wife from the guest list. By doing so, she is putting you in the middle. Your dad and his wife should both be invited, along with your mom and her plus one.

Invite your mom. Make it clear you’re inviting both your parents, and that has to include your dad’s new wife just like you’d include her new husband. Tell her you hope she’ll be there to celebrate your wedding. If she chooses not to come, that’s on her. I absolutely understand her being hurt and not wanting to be around the new wife, but she needs to put that aside to focus on her daughter instead of her.

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Exactly ! Agree 100%. Puts the responsibility of being an adult totally on mom's shoulders, where it belongs, I had a NASTY divorce, former hubs married his ,,,,,, um, mistress. 9 years later and I really want to send her a thank you card because I found the most amazing man EVER So, if either of my adult children get married, I will happily attend whether he shows up or not.

Stick your ground. New wife invited - deal or don't show. Her loss.

View Quoted Comment Hi Pat, thank you for your reply. How would you have wanted your kid to break the news to you that the mistress now wife was coming (if your kid got married before you found your now husband)? Thanks!

Hello, congratulations on your engagement!!! To be honest, it is your wedding day. Anything that is not about the two of you (bride and groom) should not matter. Their problems are not yours. Everyone who genuinely care about you and your wife will be there regardless of the situation with someone else. I’m not sure if I answered your question. However, those who contribute to the wedding and not take away from your day allow them to be there. Your mom and dad should understand and work that problem out themselves. Enjoy your wedding.

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In my situation, I vowed never to put my kids "in the middle" of any situation. They were adults when all this happened (26 & 29) for your reference. I'm not sure if a child needs to "break the news" to their parent. As many people have replied to you, standard Wedding Etiquette is that both parties of a marriage are invited. So, if my son informed me that he was getting married (please God let it be sometime in the next century LOLOL) I would KNOW that his father and new wife would be invited. I may not have liked it 9 years ago, but I would suck it up and act responsibly for my child's sake. Sure, I would definitely vent to friends and my sister, but bottom line? And I'm sorry if this hurts you,.... but bottom line, YOU couldn't have said anything different other than "dad and [new wife] will be attending". It's up to your mom to suck it up and put her big girl panties on. Right now I'm kind of mad at your mom for putting you in this awkward and emotionally upsetting situation. Sending you lots of hugs and strength.

View Quoted Comment Thanks Pat for the words and hugs! You made the best decision by not involving your kids, I am sure they will forever be grateful to you for that and I’m sure it wasn’t easy. I am so glad you found your happiness and hope that for my mom as well!

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I second Cece, Sounds like you need to have a conversation with your mother. Also, say the wedding is going forward and I am not sure if his wife will be there or not, but what I like is for you to be at my wedding etc. This wedding isn't about her.

I may be in the minority but I would not want a cheater or someone who assisted in said cheating at such a spiritual event like a wedding. Dad is family ... the other troublemaker is not and etiquette or not I would have no qualms in not inviting her. She's a homewrecker.

It’s your wedding, not theirs. Do what makes you happy, not other people.

First off congratulations on your engagement. Secondly I’m sorry this is even an issue. Now honestly I think this is something your mom is going to have to take on the chin. I’m sorry things happened that weren’t in her favor but this isn’t about her. I’d hope she would put her personal feelings aside for your special day. Maybe you can try explaining to her how it’s important for you to have both of your parents at your wedding. And that includes dad’s new wife. (Like it or not she is now family) please don’t say that last part lol. As for your mom’s side of the family, I wouldn’t be concerned. Again this day is about you and your future husband. So anyone who cannot put aside outside issues for this one day for you may not be the support you deserve. This is a big deal for you and I hope you can find the strength and courage to put your foot down. All you’re asking for is one day of sacrifice. I hope things work out for you. ❤️

View Quoted Comment Hi Latanya,


I appreciate your advice. Thank you for taking the time to write to me ❤️

A divorced couple should never put their child/ren in the middle of their personal issues that they need to work out themselves. They need to go to counseling individually to work on their anger issues (and whatever else they have going on projected towards the other parent) and leave you out of it. For the wedding, it’s a really unpopular stance but whoever pays gets final say in all decisions because they are making the event possible. That usually includes strings being attached when someone other than the couple getting married covers even 10c. Mother’s side of the family is overstepping their boundaries because they have no right to bully you into anything. They can have whatever feelings they do and keep them to themselves but it is never appropriate for them to tell you that you must make anything happen. Even more so when someone else is paying.


Be firm with both parents that whatever issues they have with each other need to be resolved with each other and you will not be a part of it at all. As for the wedding itself, you have only two options: you allow dad who is paying to decide what happens at the wedding including the guest list, or you and fiancé start over planning from scratch and pay for everything yourselves.

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Try not to stress yourself out. Things will work out. Praying for a healthy outcome 🙏

You can empathize with her but it’s the one day in her life she’s going to have to deal with the situation as an adult and put her own feelings aside. You can do everything you can to make things less stressful for her on the day, for example seating them as far away from her as you can. Unfortunately, she needs to know they are a package deal.

WoW that is a tough situation. It seems like the bottom line is moms is not coming PERIOD, if your dad’s new wife is there. Dad is saying she coming…PERIOD. I can understand both side of your parents. However, what we should be asking is what do YOU feel is best for YOU. I think a conversation needs to had with both parents and you just have to put your foot down. Its going to be how I want it and that’s it. I know it maybe easier said than do done lol but seriously, this is our day (meaning us brides) most of all. I pray all things goes well and you get what you want ☺️