Alyson
Beginner October 2019

Miserable Planning

Alyson, on August 14, 2018 at 10:25 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 18
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Hello. I have been engaged for about year and my fiance and I are doing our planning for next year. I am planning a Halloween theme. Nothing super crazy, very classy, vintage and crafty. However I am having issues with my Mother and Grandmother. They are constantly tag teaming me by either hating my ideas, not listening to what I want, or contradicting themselves. I need some advice. They clearly don't seem very supportive of what I want, I have to even refer to it at "seasonally themed", while everyone else is excited. How do I plan my perfect day without dealing with constant arguments. I also don't want to piss them off to the point they wont come, they are family after all. Please help.

18 Comments

  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
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    Are they paying? If they aren’t, stop sharing details with them.
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  • Ashley
    VIP December 2018
    Ashley ·
    • Flag

    Are they paying at all? If not, you don't need to listen to them. I understand not wanting to oppose them so they agree to come to the wedding, but it's your wedding- and if they're not paying, they don't get a say. I'm having a similar issue- we're not having any family walk down the aisle- just the bridesmaids/groomsmen and FH and I. FH's family doesn't care, but my family is a little upset. However, FH and I are paying for it, so we made the calls. I'm not a very gentle person, so I can't advise on how to say it, but it needs to be communicated to them that they can suck a lemon. If they don't want to go because you themed your wedding the way you want, tough for them.


    If they are paying, however, you will need to compromise here and there.

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  • Alyson
    Beginner October 2019
    Alyson ·
    • Flag

    My Grandmother offered to pay for my dress, but that's it. But I also feel like if I find a dress I like and she doesn't she won't pay for it. They've always wanted me to be more girly, but I really want a simple off the shoulder a-line. I can see her picking out some lacy thing. Anyway, we are planning to pay for everything ourselves.

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  • Heather
    Expert August 2018
    Heather ·
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    Stop telling them anything. Especially since they aren't paying anything, they don't need to know.
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  • Dominique
    Devoted June 2018
    Dominique ·
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    Plan the wedding that YOU and your FS want. They'll get over it. And stop sharing details.
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  • Ashley
    VIP December 2018
    Ashley ·
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    If that's how she feels and you can afford the dress, refuse to let her pay for it. I have very opinionated family members and have refused money from them because I don't want to deal with the strings attached.


    And since the two of you are paying yourselves, I agree with pp to stop keeping them in the loop. I personally would tell them just what they can kiss if they have a problem with what I want, but I'm a little less delicate that most Smiley smile

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  • Going to the chapel
    Master July 2017
    Going to the chapel ·
    • Flag

    I think a Halloween wedding would be fabulous! As others have said, stop talking wedding details with your mom and grandmother. If they don't know, they can't complain.

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  • FutureMrsKC
    Master January 2019
    FutureMrsKC ·
    • Flag

    No pay = no say.

    Stop telling them anything about the wedding. If they ask how planning is going, tell them its going well and that is it. They don't need to be involved, especially if they don't like your theme.

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  • Alyson
    Beginner October 2019
    Alyson ·
    • Flag

    Thanks everyone. I totally get the No Pay=No Say thing. I've been trying to stick to that and stand up for my decisions. I tell them things cause I would love them to be involved, but it is hard to just cut them out. I'll at least try cause right now they have me seconded guessing and I don't like that.

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Champion March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Share details with your fiancé & with us! Sometimes friends/family try to be helpful but are a buzzkill. Or just share “non-Halloween” stuff with them like venue, food, cake flavors (if they don’t do well with those either then stop sharing). My hubby & I wanted all the details to be a surprise for guests—it was a blast co-creating with him and we avoided any drama/criticism to boot!
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  • ArwenToHisAragorn
    Expert October 2018
    ArwenToHisAragorn ·
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    Agree!! I want to hear all about your Halloween wedding!! We get a lot of side-eye because we're doing a fall theme with a decent amount of Lord of the Rings mixed in and no one seems to understand lol (as I'm listening to the LOTR soundtrack at work...) Plan the wedding of your dreams, and if that means Halloween, DO IT!

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Champion March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Me too! I love themed weddings! (if you can’t tell from my alias). Halloween can be done so many ways.

    LOTR!!! There’s another bride here with that theme. Can’t wait to see your posts about venue, decor! Lol, totally get listening to the theme song. When we hired our ceremony violinist and requested her to play “He’s a Pirate” as our recessional song, I listened to it all the time!
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Champion March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Is your profile not public? Wanted to add you as a friend to check out your future LOTR posts. 🙂
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  • ArwenToHisAragorn
    Expert October 2018
    ArwenToHisAragorn ·
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    I have no idea lol, I'm still getting used to how my actual profile works!

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  • Maren
    Champion October 2021
    Maren ·
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    Hi Alyson! I completely agree with the others & FutureMrsKC. It's you and your fiancé(e)'s big day, so all details involved and included in your wedding planning process are completely your decisions to make. I'm also a big believer in "no pay, no say." We can't wait to hear more about your wedding theme and details, so please don't hesitate to share in our community! Smiley smile Smiley heart

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  • Seshanna
    Devoted October 2018
    Seshanna ·
    • Flag

    Halloween party wedding here, and I totally second everyone on the No Pay = No Say. You're excited and you will want to share all your ideas and plans and get feedback, but if you know their feedback is going to be negative, picking on you, and tearing you down, you'll have to really filter what you share with them. If you can find a dress you like in your price range, paying for that yourself will also help to make it YOUR party, not theirs. If you really want them to have the satisfaction of being at least a little involved, take some of the suggestions given and ask their thoughts on flavors, entrees, and if you want something personal, maybe ask each of them for one special idea that you might incorporate.

    But really reign it in and share all the fun stuff with your bridal party, FH, planner, and friends who are going to join your enthusiasm. Smiley heart We're having a Halloween wedding with a costumed ceremony and costume party with all the trimmings. It's gotten more than a few side-eyes, rolled eyes, a few family members stamping their feet, and plenty of criticism on and offline. But here's the thing - the party is celebrating you and your FH! Smiley smile And we totally want to hear your Halloween planning goodness!

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Champion March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    To change your profile so we can see it, click on YOUR NAME (top right), then SETTINGS, then scroll down until you see PRIVACY info. Let at least WW users see your profile then I think we can Friend Request you. Smiley winking

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  • Alyson
    Beginner October 2019
    Alyson ·
    • Flag

    Thanks for the help everyone. I am going to take your advice and stop telling them things. I want this day to be about us not them.

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