Is it wrong to have a non-legal ceremony? NOW I NEED A BEST MAN TOAST!!!!

Sharon, I am happy, for your sake, that your friend IS making a big deal out of this. You were about to put too many people in a bad situation. I HOPE you will be honest and tell your guests before the 15th, You owe it to your guests to be honest. If you chose not to be honest, ahead of time, you risk friendships.

If I arrived at your reception, and had the DJ announce that this was not a real wedding, I would not only leave immediately, but, I would be done with you, as a friend.

Truly THINK about the ramifications of your actions. You are treading on dangerous turf.

Great comments, Celia!

I really do feel for you and your fiance. But please be careful not to make a bad situation worse. Announcing the situation at the reception is too late. The fraud will already have been committed the moment you are announced as man and wife, the wife can raise allegations of bigamy and intent as soon as the "wedding" begins, but mostly you will already have been dishonest with your friends.

I would recommend that you take the high road and let your guests know up-front that this is a commitment ceremony (not a wedding). That doesn't make it any less special, or meaningful. Then when things get settled with your fiance and his wife, make your union legal. If you are honest and up-front with your guests, they would have no reason to feel betrayed, lose trust in you and talk like only a small town can.

At the very least, please let the officiant announce to the guests BEFORE the ceremony takes place that this is a non-legal ceremony and that you guys will be making it legal as soon as you can. Do it before the ceremony because if people sit through a sham ceremony, they will be upset with you AND your FH's wife could use it against him. Please don't wait until the reception.

I'm a second wife too but my Dh was divorced.3 years before we got married...my minister wouldn't even show up until he produced his divorce decree (which was not an issue)

Where is the groom in this whole story? At the end of the day, it's HIS wife, his divorce, and potentially he's becoming a bigamist. But unless I missed something, I haven't seen a word about what he thinks or intends to do? Not to mention why he let it go this far.

Frankly, some of the responses on here piss me off. So what if you have a 'commitment ceremony'? Its all the freakin same to me! I can't legally wed my fiancee, being as we're both women living in the good ol Bible Belt in NC, but you bet your ass I'm still calling it MY WEDDING, instead of my commitment ceremony. How dare you insinuate that my wedding (or hers) will be any less real simply because it will not be legally recognized! Marriage is about the love of 2 people, what's in their hearts should be all that matters. I would be beyond appalled if I were in Sharon's place and some of my guests refused to show up or left the ceremony simply because it won't be legal. Honestly, I would count my blessings that those people had shown their true feelings and tell them good riddance out of my life!!

Courtney, I think most people here don't have any issue with your marriage or mean that the legalities are the only thing that make a marriage. In your case neither of you is married to someone else, so it's not the same thing. Marriage is supposed to be a commitment, headache inducing or not getting out of your vows is not supposed to be easy. If you were able to legally wed, and did split up, legally speaking you would need a divorce before you could remarry too. You can't marry someone else no matter how in love you are if you are already married. When her FH married his wife he made vows and signed a legally binding document. He should get out of that before he gets remarried. If everyone just married other people without getting a divorce first than what would be the point of getting married?

Courtney, this is totally different given the circumstances.. #1, your situation is completely understandable #2, it's not saying that her commitment to her fiance won't be real, but there are legal issues that could arrise by calling it a wedding and #3 as the OP stated, she lives in a small town.. the fact that he is still married and is having this "wedding" could cause a lot of drama (although it sounds like family might understand, that's good) and again ties back to the legal issues..

Having a ceremony before being legally wed = not wrong. It's unconventional, but so am I.

I think the main issue is the fact that the groom is still married.

In anycase.. it sounds like Sharon has a good plan.

Courtney L - I don't know if you really "read" the comments or if you insantly starting seeing red at the mention of a 'commitment ceremony'; however, your situation is hardly the same as the OP's.

No on is insinuating that YOUR ceremony or HER ceremony isn't real. OP's ceremony - if it takes place in the sense of these two being pronounced man and wife, however, IS FRAUD because THE GROOM IS ALREADY MARRIED. It's NOT the same thing as having a commitment ceremony, which she is being ENCOURAGED to do instead of creating a sitation that can be brought up in court as BIGAMY.

I am sorry that our country has not progressed far enough so that you - and many of my friends - aren't able to marry who they love in ALL of the states; however, commiting bigamy is a WHOLE different issue.

Also, Courtney - it's a pretty safe assumption that your family/friends in attendance are aware that you aren't going to be legally married.

This is NOT the case with OP, as she plans to pass this off as being a legit ceremony in her family/friends eyes. (Sorry, OP but a lie by ommission is still a lie. Just because you will tell the truth "only when someone asks" doesn't make it ok)

Many people are fighting to enable gay people to marry legally. Exactly because that little legality actually matters. If a commitment ceremony is the best that can be done in some parts of the country, then see what Tina, Jen and Pan said. It's certainly not less worthwhile, but it's not by choice either. 2D Bride and NotFroofy traveled to a state somewhat far away to be able to marry.

Marrying somebody who is already married is plain illegal. Not telling the guests is misleading and fraudulent. There's nothing misleading or fraudulent about gay marriage, except that unfortunately it's still not legal everywhere.

@ Courtney, I agree with the other posters that my situation is not the same as yours. I wish things were different for you and your partner. I was married before but never had the big wedding.

People asked about my fiance. I have not told him about my friends. He would flip out! This is his 3rd marriage so he is not really into the planning. He wants me to be happy so he said we can have the wedding I always wanted.

@Courtney.....I truly believe that the vast majority of people on WW support same sex couples. That is why the whole "commitment ceremony" came up...unfortunately it is the ONLY way some same sex couples (and those still legally married in this case) can celebrate their love for one another.

MRS S said it best "Marrying somebody who is already married is plain illegal. Not telling the guests is misleading and fraudulent. There's nothing misleading or fraudulent about gay marriage, except that unfortunately it's still not legal everywhere."

@Sharon...I am happy to hear you are willing to make a statement to you guests. I am from a small town and it is my belief that you are saving yourself more heartache by stating the facts rather than trying to hide something and having it all come out in the end.

@Courtney - I think the other women have made good points but I found this blog from a NC minster who covers the issue that might help you see what we are talking about.

http://raleighweddingblog.blogspot.com/2012/05/no-marriage-license-no-wedding.html

Well, you may ask, what about same-sex weddings? Good question. Since same-sex marriages are not legal in NC and the couple is not legally able to obtain a marriage license, the wedding ceremony cannot be a misrepresentation. It is unfortunate, in my opinion, that same-sex unions cannot be legally recognized everywhere and that Amendment One passed in NC... The marriage license merely establishes a legal contract between two people with precipitating consequences if the contract is broken and that is all that is necessary.

This has nothing to do with the issue of gay marriage. I did a wedding in NYC on Sat, and it was a gay marriage, emotionally and legally, recognized by the state and the couple's friends. I routinely do civil unions in NJ; it's all we've got. It's no less important to those couples and we can use any language we want in the ceremony, so we usually use 'marriage". We're all hoping that changes but for now, everyone in attendance knows what is going on; a legally regulated union that cannot be just walked away from without a formal dissolution. I hope this civil right happens for gay couples in every state. But that is not this.

Even more problematic is the fact that the fiance, who quite obviously is "not into planning" hasn't even shouldered part of this responsibility or the risks at hand. He just wants it to be pretty. I can't be the only person who finds that a bit troubling.

I'm seeing red flags at " he's been married 3 times already" and also that he has zero interest in his wedding and seems to not care that he is still legally married!

Red Flags!!!

I will say that after watching my SIL do this, it left a HUGE sour taste in the entire family's mouths. So many people helped pay/plan for the "wedding" that wasn't even legal and they still try and say their anniversary is the day of the non legal...and its not. Her ex used it against her and they didn't legalize it until 6 months later. Don't start a marriage that way. Postpone till divorce and I'm with tida when saying, why even go through it all when he's not divorced??? Why start your lives together based on a lie and hurting/upsetting your guests? My SIL kept it a secret and it tore a huge rift into her husbands ENTIRE family. (we are in FL too BTW)

ETA: Your lawyer is wrong but hes not telling you that his ex can use this and his past history against him in court and make thing take even longer to finalize.

The real question is, why do you even want to go through with a fake wedding any

Sharon, when we say men aren't into wedding planning, most of the time what we mean is they don't care about centerpieces. Or the shade of purple for the BM's dresses.

But not caring to the point of not being able to marry legally is in a different universe of not caring. Does he just want to proceed with all the plans for Saturday as if nothing is wrong? Does he have ANY solutions for this mess?

And I will say that in the state of FL, it is possible that the state can arrest and charge him with bigamy. My SIL had to go through it but lucky for her, the charges dropped.

I will also add that when we found out my DH was still legally married, we postponed. (she never filed the completion of the paperwork and he was deployed out of the country)

And he hadn't seen her in 10 years so tracking her down was the hard part.