Is it wrong to have a non-legal ceremony? NOW I NEED A BEST MAN TOAST!!!!

The officiant can not pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. And if they say they can, run like the wind.They cannot.

"Hello everyone,

While we both sincerely hoped that this ceremony today could be a legal marriage, circumstances have made that impossible. For now, we are announcing our commitment to each other, in heart, mind and spirit if not in the eyes of the law. We fully expect this situation to be rectified and when that happens, we will take the steps necessary to be married in every sense of the word. Thank you for coming to support us on our journey towards togetherness."

Frankly? I don't even like that. If it walks like a duck and it sounds like a duck, Aunt Mary is going to think its a duck. You'll have people come late who won't hear it at all.

I'd just have the party and do the ceremony in private when you can. But I have to add, this is a heckofatime to think about this. What did you think was going to happen if your friend didn't bring it up?

I could never deceive my friends and family like that. I would tell them beforehand and if they show up I know who really cares. The type of people I hang around would all show up, and be glad I told them and would still be very happy for me.

Why even ask if you're gonna be illegal anyway? Smh

I'm glad that you are planning to make an announcement before the "ceremony" begins. You MUST! Honestly, I would not even do a ceremony, it smells of dishonestly.

I think another point should be made. Once you make the announcement, some of your guests may chose to get up and leave. They are expecting to come to a real wedding.

You really should let people know BEFORE the event.

If your friend had not raised this issue, you were prepared to do something that is not legal and put your officiants license in jeopardy. That sucks!

I think you also need to hope his wife doesn't show up at this event.

I still can't grasp why a wedding would be planned without divorce papers in hand.

If it is a case of property settlement, in the state of FL, your fiance could have had his lawyer file for a BiFurcation. That is when the prop settlement is separated from the divorce. It can only be done for specific reasons...i.e. one has the desire to remarry quickly. The divorce could be granted leaving someone free to remarry, but the property could be settled down the line. However, if the current wife has a lot to lose(i.e. medical benefits) and it would be overly burdensome, some judges deny it in the state of PA

Here is a link explaining Bifurcation:

http://www.jacksonvilledivorcelawyerblog.com/2010/12/bifurcation_in_florida_divorce.html

http://robinroshkind.wordpress.com/category/bifurcation-of-divorce-case/

Here is a link explaining why judges may not grant it in FL:

http://www.floridabar.org/DIVCOM/JN/JNJournal01.nsf/Author/F05B0DFD766ABBEE85256C06006B314F

They cannot pronounce you anything if you are not... Legally you are not husband and wife so they cannot say you are. I dunno why you would want to begin your life with a man whose still married. In some states everything you guys buy together would kind of be hers too.

You cannot lie to your guests and just cover it up like you are... I as your guest would likely never talk to you again... I don't like liars and I would refuse to be part of your lie.

Realize we're all saying the same thing... Yes it's wrong to have a non legal ceremony... So perhaps you should listen... From the sounds of it you disagree and will likely do your own thing... Which I find concerning, and distasteful.

It should be the happiest day of your life however you may end up with a burden of guilt and it may not go as planned.

I would be a whole lot less concerned with the possible loss of attendance and/or money spent on Saturday and a whole lot more worried about flirting with legalities and risking charges of fraud and bigamy. I doubt his wife would hesitate to use it against him in divorce proceedings and his long-term financial ramifications with her could make any potential loss on Saturday a financial drop in the bucket.

If these are your friends that you have invited to the wedding, I would be surprised if they would not support you if you were both honest regarding the situation. But I would be majorly ticked off if my friend disrespected me by trying to pull one over on me. Small town - current wife ... do you really think it will stay a secret?

Also there is a huge difference between "non legal" and "illegal"

Hi Sharon, I agree with the some of the ladies on this, first it can take longer to get an divorce than getting married, it took me almost 3 years to get my divorce and longer than that to settle the property division, I would be careful about your fiancée ex wife though, I wouldn't want to see a scene at your wedding day, yes there is such a thing as commitment ceremony and maybe you should of told people that from the beginning. This has to be hard on you and your fiancée, what I would do go talk to the person that is doing the ceremony and an lawyer to find out what is legal in your state, good luck, hope the situation works out.....

@Jackie C, the woman is not his ex-wife, but still his legal wife, even though estranged. I think that everyone needs to remember that. The wife is still the wife.

This is a powder keg waiting to have the fuse lit.

I'm with you Kathy R.!! HE'S STILL MARRIED TO THIS WOMAN!

Kathy I KNOW she's still the wife, but guys she's asking for advice, I was a 2nd wife with my first husband and there needs to be respect on both sides, and that's not always the case, Sharon I hope everything works out that's what matters....

Honestly, the majority of the advice has been to be honest and let people know that this is not a wedding.

Interesting that the OP has not responded in quite a while. Perhaps she is working and cannot respond?

What needs to "work out" is her FH getting his act together before "marrying" someone else. He is still married and should NOT be going in to a "wedding" in five days. Red flags are flying all over this one.

Jackie, I think everyone is in agreeance, including the bride here.. She doesn't want to cancel the event, so to turn it into a commitment ceremony is really her only other option.. she should be telling guests. Everyone at my September ceremony knew that DH and I were already married, and they knew this well in advance.. I think, had we not told them, some feelings could have been seriously hurt.. but we were honest about our civil ceremony from the start and they knew our situation..

This event IS a little different because, as the OP expressed, she lives in a small town where people talk.. and $10 says they will not stop asking why he isn't divorced yet and why is he trying to get married when he's still/already married. I think more people would be sympathetic with her upon hearing this news, I do feel that they would probably frown upon him more than anything.. I also absolutely agree that this should be brought up(about it not being a wedding) before the actual event..

I agree he does need to get his act as you say it together but these are ALL humans and to remind everyone they ALL have feelings, true this situation of a "wedding" should of never been but a commitment ceremony maybe, maybe the couple needed to feel like they are a couple, I'm not saying I agree with the situation, what I am saying I dealt with an ex wife and not everything she said or did was right, as far as what I meant about working this out is I understand he's been going through a divorce, been there, in court 3 years it can be messy, again everyone has feelings, courts treat you like cattle and expect you to solve something that can't be solved, been there done it lived it while the courts aloud this to go on, there is more to the story than we know, and believe me no one wants to air their dirty linen... I hope everyone understands what is being said

I would be careful. Even if you don't have a license, his wife could use it against him when they do go through the legal procedures of a divorce i.e. "He just wants a divorce because he wants to marry this other woman, in fact they're already married, and they thought they'd pull the wool over the law's eyes by not getting a license but see all these wedding photos and guests who are witnesses?".

I'm sure this is a difficult time, and I'm sorry. But, think about it, if it wasn't something you know is not quite right, why would you want to keep it a secret? I think it would be better to just be honest and open and hope your friends and family are understanding. If they think it's a wedding, what will you say later when the divorce proceedings happen? I would think people would be more understanding if you explained your circumstances now rather than after they thought you were already married.

Jackie, I hear what you are saying. I don't think the OP is. And if she is hearing it, she is ignoring it. I think the other red flag is, if her FH will go in to this ceremony, not telling people that it is not a legal wedding, what will he do when he does (assuming he does) marry her?

You are right, we do not know the entire story. We do not know what his current legal wife has to say. She may have been the wronged party. We do not know this information.

Bottom line, she needs to be honest with her guests, before the "ceremony". Her guests need to know the truth.

I fully agree Kathy, there is always two sides to the coin...

Thank you for the advice. I have not slept in 3 days. My mom and family are good with this because they know we will get married as soonas possible. I just wish my friend wasn't making such a big deal about this. I like the suggested wording. I will use it as a guide fir the Dj's announcement.

Wronged party or not, the bottom line here is that no one should plan a wedding until a divorce is final. No matter who is 'wronged', no matter who has been put out, that's the line in the sand, and thinking about is the Monday before the wedding? Irresponsible, sorry. Family and friends 'good' that you're 'marrying' a married man? Doubt it.

The friend is not making a 'big deal' out of this. Your friend saved you, your family and your officiant from some potentially serious repercussions. Simply painting his wife as the person who is ruining your day is a little simplistic.