Jaxz
Devoted September 2018

Are we being unreasonable?

Jaxz, on November 22, 2017 at 8:42 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 29
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My dad offered to host a cigar bar at our wedding reception. Cigars have played a big part in our family events for a very long time and FH and I had already planned on including one when my dad offered to pay for it. Now FMIL, whom I love to death, is saying that we need to offer something like a candy bar for those who don't smoke. We are having candy cigars included in addition to the real cigars. After discussing it we've decided that a candy bar really isn't something we're interested in doing, we have a fairly large number of kids on our guest list ( we will be having a kids activity table) and it just seems like a recipe for disaster to us but FMIL just will not let this go. Are we being unreasonable? Do we need to figure out another extra for nonsmoking guests?

29 Comments

  • Ashley
    Dedicated March 2018
    Ashley ·
    • Flag

    I don't smoke cigars, and wouldn't be offended that you had a cigar bar without a candy bar or other nothing smoking special activity.

    • Reply
  • Neens
    Devoted September 2018
    Neens ·
    • Flag

    I love the cigar bar idea, and if someone doesn't smoke- they simply don't take one. As long as you're offering desserts, a candy bar is not necessary, especially if you don't want one. No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Joanna
    Expert October 2017
    Joanna ·
    • Flag

    Unless she offers to pay for the candy bar, if it is something that you and your FI do not have any interest in, than forego the added expense (and sugar).

    • Reply
  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
    • Flag

    You do not need to heed FMIL. You are offering a non tobacco alternative- candy cigars. Enough said.

    • Reply
  • Jaxz
    Devoted September 2018
    Jaxz ·
    • Flag

    Thank you guys..... I've heard it so many times in the last few months I was starting to question my sanity

    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Expert September 2018
    Nicole ·
    • Flag

    Agree with the others, as long as you are hosting something so that everyone could partake, it's up to them whether they do or not. It would be like saying you need an alternative for people who don't drink because you're hosting a bar.

    Have you tried the 'it's just not in our budget' line?

    • Reply
  • Jaxz
    Devoted September 2018
    Jaxz ·
    • Flag

    We have and got the "it wouldn't take very much extra money" line. I love her to death but I don't think she has a full grasp on just how much weddings cost, especially to do it right and have enough candy for everyone including those who smoke because their going to want some to it relates wouldn't be anything "special" for nonsmokers..... I've tried explaining it to her but it keeps flying over her head like a 747

    • Reply
  • K
    Just Said Yes June 2018
    Kaitlin ·
    • Flag

    You're not being unreasonable. It's your wedding, so if you don't want a candy bar you don't need to have one. It's just extra $ that you can save or spend towards something else that is more important to you. I think having candy cigars for those who don't want a regular one is a cute idea! I understand wanting to respect your FMIL, but it's your / your FH's wedding day not hers. And she shouldn't keep bothering you about it because that just adds extra stress on you that I'm sure you don't need right now. Maybe your FH can talk to her about it the next time she brings it up?

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  • Meghan S.
    Super June 2017
    Meghan S. ·
    • Flag

    We had a cigar bar on the patio at our reception and it was a huge hit. No one seemed upset that there wasn't another "activity" for the non smokers.

    • Reply
  • ambrok
    Master October 2017
    ambrok ·
    • Flag

    I think you are fine if you are already having candy cigars for the nonsmokers. You will never be able to please everyone & you shouldn't go crazy trying...

    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Master December 2016
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't worry about the candy bar. Your venue is outdoors, I assume?

    • Reply
  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
    • Flag

    Don't give reasons to her. It just opens the door for a debate.

    "Thanks for you opinion, but we have decided against it."

    "We appreciate how you feel, but we have already made our decision."

    • Reply
  • Jaxz
    Devoted September 2018
    Jaxz ·
    • Flag

    @Elizabeth it's an indoor venue with an attached outdoor patio garden space

    • Reply
  • Dreamer
    Master May 2013
    Dreamer ·
    • Flag

    I went to a wedding that had an "outdoor" cigar bar. Eventually, the smoke/smell backed into the reception room, with people going in and out to smoke. Guests also propped the door open occasionally, as it was a cool evening. My asthmatic mother had to leave before the dessert was served. In hindsight, my parents would have just politely declined the invitation.

    • Reply
  • Jaxz
    Devoted September 2018
    Jaxz ·
    • Flag

    It's actually going to be set up across the courtyard so that it can't blow back in this is the space we have for it.


    • Reply
  • C
    Beginner November 2018
    christina ·
    • Flag

    Kids and candy bar is alottt of action- tell her to chill its just fine as is. There will be cake for the kids.

    • Reply
  • Dreamer
    Master May 2013
    Dreamer ·
    • Flag

    P.S. Our venue actually didn't allow cigar or pipe smoking, on the premises. Cigarette smokers had to walk through 2 cocktail hour rooms, the wedding suite foyer, and a lobby, to get outside.

    • Reply
  • Celia Milton
    January 2020
    Celia Milton ·
    • Flag

    In NY/NJ you can't smoke anywhere in or near a venue.

    • Reply
  • Jaxz
    Devoted September 2018
    Jaxz ·
    • Flag

    @Dreamer I'm sorry to hear that. I'm hoping that we don't have any guests that have that issue. To be honest if it does it would be an issue regardless of if we furnished them or not as my family, myself and FH included, always partake at family events. @ Christina there will definitely be no shortage of sweets even without a candy bar, the wedding cake, groom's cake and rice crispy treats shaped like a cake. There's already a lot of sugar to be had lol.

    • Reply
  • Jaxz
    Devoted September 2018
    Jaxz ·
    • Flag

    @Celia we're located in Texas and the hotel actually has a cigar shop in the lobby so when I mentioned it to the coordinator she was excited about the concept and went out of her way to make sure that we could make it happen. All the struggles and frustration we went through trying to find the right venue was all worth it in the end as working with The Menger Hotel staff has been a breeze and they've been so helpful.

    • Reply

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