6 Offensive Things People Say to Grooms—and What to Say Back

Photo: Anna Simonak Photography

We live in a world where self-driving cars are literally being tested right this very moment by Google, and yet when it comes to the gender divide in the planning of heterosexual weddings, most people’s attitudes could not be more stuck in the past. That is: Brides are naturally inclined to plan weddings, the way birds naturally know where to migrate when the weather turns cold, while grooms are clueless babies to whom the entire wedding language is foreign and marriage only means “death of single life.”

I’m not about to try to explain it—that’s beyond my capabilities as a lowly blogger—but I can tell you that regardless of how 50-50 the two of you attack the process of organizing your wedding—that is, even if you split the cost, split the planning duties, craft together and beyond—there will still be that peanut gallery of (mostly friends and loved ones, so don’t be too mad at ‘em) who will naturally think the bride is the wedding-obsessed mastermind while the groom, poor thing, is the befuddled, steamrolled, unwilling participant who’s just going along with things because bride so pretty.

Here are some of the most ridiculous things people say to grooms—and how to respond. 

“Aren’t you sad that your bachelor life is over?”

The thing about most marriages these days is that the betrothed actually want to get married. Unlike whatever era the asker of this question is harkening back to, when marriage meant a lifetime of commitment (read: obsession) for the bride and a lifetime of miserable compulsory monogamy for the groom. Anyone who asks this question is not only anachronistic and sexist, they’re also undermining the mutual love you and your partner have for one another, and the mutual excitement you each have not only for planning your wedding day, but building a life together. Consider… not inviting them to your wedding.

Photo: Karina Jensen Photography

“Don’t you wish you were just eloping?”

It’s a frustrating stereotype that might come up again and again—she must want a huge, out of control wedding, and he must want something conservative, low-key and not a big deal. Some people have a hard time understanding that both a bride and a groom can want the wedding of their shared dreams, and want it the same amount as one another. After all, partying with friends, being surrounded by love, eating, dancing and drinking tons are universally enjoyed by all gender expressions. So, combat comments like these by simply gushing about all the super-unique details the two of you have planned—together—to make your wedding irreplaceably, perfectly yours.

“You’re basically just there to sign the checks, right?”

Ah yes, because all healthy marriages start with one partner spending enormous amounts of money on frivolous expenditures, while the other partner blindly foots the bill. Unless the groom is literally just there to sign the checks (which is your prerogative as a couple, if that’s how you’ve decided to parse out wedding planning) it’s downright insulting for anyone to assume that the bride and the bride alone is interested in the wedding and the groom is simply the wallet. Like, there are so many things wrong with that, it would take several semesters of gender studies to extrapolate. So, instead of going there, you can just be like: “Actually… no. We’re splitting the planning and the costs and we plan to split most things in our marriage, too. We think it’ll work out pretty well for us.” [Insert sunglasses-face emoji that suggests winning.]

Photo: Chicago Wedding Photographers

“How crazy is your fiancée being right now?”

It is a hilarious misconception that during wedding planning, brides become stressed-out maniacs incapable of rational thought, while grooms remain these impenetrable beacons of zen. Trust someone who’s been there: By two months out, my groom and I were both equally out of our minds with stress/excited/cracking up at the insanity of it all. And, once again, it’s an insult to the groom for someone to assume he’s done none of the legwork, shares none of the emotions about this upcoming major life event, and has zero empathy for his future wife who is nevertheless emoting in an advanced manner. No one should be passing rude judgments that you’re not sharing the emotional load of this extremely emotional journey. Response? Equalize as always. “We’re both feeling crazy! But in a good way. And we have one another to get through it, thankfully.”

“There’s still time to run!”

More of the same—bride obsessively, crazily, painstakingly plans wedding, totally uninterested groom becomes a victim that falls out of love with bride every day because wedding planning has possessed his beloved. Yawn—this isn’t how it is. When a couple is planning a wedding, no one should suggest that 50 percent of the couple should jump ship midway through. Of course everyone who makes comments like this means it as a joke (hopefully), but it’s still an offensive stereotype and not very warm or inspiring for a couple about to begin a lifelong partnership together. Take it as lightly as you wish, but if it starts offending either one of you after the 100th time someone says it, don’t feel guilty for clapping back.

Photo: Riverland Studios

“Bet you don’t even know what time to be there on your wedding day!”

Ha, men! They are so adorably clueless! Basically just adult babies! Hilarious, except for the fact that most grooms do hella legwork and spend hella money on making their weddings as amazing as possible for their friends and family. And don’t just let their brides do everything while they sit there playing with blocks and watching cartoons. Because who the heck would want to marry someone like that? No woman I know!

If you noticed a trend here, you’re not imagining things. A lot of people lean on outdated and offensive stereotypes when chatting with a married couple-to-be (in this case, a couple with one bride and one groom). And wedding planning is stressful and overwhelming enough—on yourself and your relationship—without all that added into the mix. So, grooms (and brides), don’t hesitate to set things straight if someone wields one of these silly platitudes on you. Planning a wedding makes neither of you stupid and neither of you crazy, and you are very likely to work equally as hard to make your wedding day perfect. That’s what makes you A+ candidates for marriage in the first place!