Bridesmaid not participating

I would just let her be a bridesmaid. Not everyone has the ability to go to all of these pre-wedding events. The BMs also shouldn't be expected to go to all of these things either. You and your FH should be the ones going venue shopping and if you arent bridesmaid dress shopping I wouldn't expect her to go either. Would it be nice? Definitely. But it isn't technically something you can require of your BMs. The general consensus you'll get here also is that a BM just has to get the dress you want and to show up on time and sober enough to stand for photos. So I would cut hersome serious slack on these since you're also more than a year out. The girls also don't need to be best friends nor necessarily need to meet each other to support your union to your FH.

I would lower your expectations. It’s nice if your bridesmaids or friends can go to a bridal show, wedding dress shopping, or brunch but shouldn’t be required. Venue visits should only between you and your significant other. With your wedding being so far away I worry about your bridesmaids getting burnt out with so many things to attend. I would focus on planning with your fiancé and invite your bridesmaids to one or two things with no expectations. Definitely don’t remove her as a bridesmaid.

Ok so maybe venue shopping was the wrong wording. What I meant was going to the venue that my fiancé and I picked and helping me plan how to decorate etc.

View Quoted Comment Yes that is not something your bridesmaids need to be doing. That’s your and your fiancés responsibility or a wedding planner if you have one. I had 10 bridesmaids and none of them helped plan anything. They just showed up on the day of the wedding in their bridesmaid dress.

I wouldn't worry about it so much. You are being very generous with including her. I also wouldn't break up with her as a bridesmaid either lol but if she continues to not want to do anything then so be it. Don't put as much effort into her bridesmaid gift. In a year and a half you guys will be sisters so no need to start off on the wrong foot just try to not let it bother you.

You do not know her financial or work situation. She may need those hours or her work may make it difficult to change shifts. You can just try to have a honest conversation with her to see how involved she can or wants to be. If she can't participate then she can't participate. She also may not be interested in being a bridesmaid but said yes because you asked and its her brother's wedding. If you ask her to leave the bridal party, are you willing to deal with the fall out that it may cause with your FH and effects on your relationship for years to come with her?

Seems to me that you weren't close to her before you got engaged. I wasn't and still am not with my SIL. I asked her to be in a bridesmaid hoping to get closer but it didn't work out that way. It was obvious to me later she only agreed because it was her brother's wedding. If I could do it again I would not have asked her but it was what it was and none of that matters now that the wedding is over.

But it sounds like she is trying to make an effort for dress dropping if shes trying to switch shifts?

Honestly though, yeah the brunch sucks that she missed but the venue thing, that should be up to you and FH. Nobody is going to be as excited about your wedding as you and people have their own lives to live.

I understand you wanting to include her in the planning, have you spoke to her as to why she's not been able to come to anything? Has you FH spoken to her? She might really have conflicts or legitimate reasons to not go... I wouldn't count her out just yet. If she mentions something like that when you speak to her, then let her know (gently and nicely) that she's under no obligation to be part of the wedding party if she doesn't want to...

As a bridesmaid, her only duty is to wear the bridesmaid dress and show up to your wedding.

It's nice of those who want to be involved with your planning, but isn't their place to help you plan your wedding. You have a year and a half to plan without the bridesmaids help. If she chooses to help with a bridal shower or a bachelorette party, those are both usually done in the two months prior to your wedding. If you ask her to step down, you'll likely cause unneeded drama.

I asked my bridesmaids when I got engaged, but we're having an 11 month engagement. I didn't ask them to do anything until about 7 months from our date. At that point, I asked them to start looking at dresses they would like. 6 months out I asked them to try them on and pick one. 4 months out I asked them to order the dress. I'm now two months out and haven't asked anything else from them.

I do think you’re asking a lot and it’s okay for not everyone to come to all these little things (I’ve also never heard of bridesmaids venue shopping— that’s an important personal decision for the couple)— bridal shows can be fun but they’re definitely NOT everyone’s scene and if they’re not your scene they can be miserable. Trust me on this: if it’s not her scene you’re WAY better off with her passing on it then coming and being unhappy the whole time. As your fiancé’s sister she may also feel like a bit of an outsider with you and all your friends. I know you’re trying to have these events to foster the relationship amongst bridesmaids but, not everyone is that comfortable in this type of social situation and it’s not personal it’s just how they are. Your wedding is a long way off and there will be plenty to participate and you don’t want burn out now!

now THAT aside, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY to de-bridesmaid a future SISTER IN LAW without turning it into a lifelong dramatic issue. Remember that ‘firing’ a bridesmaid is likely to permanently damage a relationship, and as your husband’s sister , she will ALWAYS be in your life — this isn’t like kicking a friend out of a bridal party when the friendship is over- that person can be solidly out of your life. This one cannot be. Additionally also unlike ‘just a friend’ your relationship with this girl isn’t the only one at stake— removing a SIL goes beyond her , and you run the risk of offending the rest of the family. If not your FH, DEFINITELY your FMIL...and probably every other family member on their side that the story gets back to. Not a great way to enter into a family. So, just don’t forget that there is way more at stake here than your bridal party !!

the best thing to do (really the only thing you can do) is manage your expectations. You can’t ask her to change and you can’t expect her to, so the only course of action is to change YOUR approach. Know that she won’t make it to everything. Try not to let that bother you. Expect her not to come, that way you can be pleasantly surprised for everything she DOES attend. And remember that she’s not responsible for planning your wedding. Involve her (and the rest of your girls really) only as much as they want to be involved— the rest is up to you and your FH and you can’t fault any of your girls for that.

Bridesmaids don't have to attend any of the events that you've listed, regardless of the reasons given for not attending.

If I was a bridesmaid I wouldn't go to a bridal show or to go look at a venue because I just don't want to. But just because neither of those things are interesting to me, doesn't mean I don't care about my friend. Caring about someone as a person and friend is not the same as caring about their wedding and some of the things that go with it.

I feel like I've told these stories a lot, but my friend who I was MOH did a "bridal party BBQ" so that everyone could get to know each other. She lives about 3 hours from me, but during the summer another hour could be added to the trip. The night before the BBQ my son was in the ER and I didn't feel right driving 3-4 hours away the day after he'd been that sick. I told her I was sorry (which I was - I was sorry for disappointing her and canceling last minute) and she was like, "It sucks but I understand". Then we left it.

About a month later, the bride, me, and the other bridesmaids were hanging out and she made a snide comment about how me and 2 other bridesmaids didn't go to the BBQ and I reminded her that my son had been in the ER and I told her to "f off" if she had a problem with it. The other two who didn't go? They chose to spend that weekend with their dad after they found more tumors all over his body from a cancer that they had thought was getting better. That incident, among other things related to her behavior leading up to the wedding, has made it so that me and those 2 other bridesmaids haven't talked with her or seen her in the year+ time since her wedding.

Don't create unnecessary drama or poor feelings - ESPECIALLY when this person is going to be family. As long as she shows up for the wedding with her dress, she's doing what she's supposed to do.

Looks to me like I don’t have such high standards as you all think I do. Here is a bridesmaid duties from the wedding wire. I personally do not think I’m asking for much by asking her to participate In pre wedding activities such as helping me find the perfect wedding dress. I do know her Financial Situation. She lives at home with her mom and only works 8 hours a week for goodness sakes. She has the time.



https://www.weddingwire.com%2Fwedding-ideas%2Fbridesmaid-duties-checklist&psig=aovvaw2oh2aa7dbdaf_rvhelzs8s&ust=****">https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahukewi1wksk6ihhahwhcdqihthvdcuqzpwbegqiarac&url=https%3a%2f%2fhttps://www.weddingwire.com%2fwedding-ideas%2fbridesmaid-duties-checklist&psig=aovvaw2oh2aa7dbdaf_rvhelzs8s&ust=****

The link didn’t work. This is what the website said: Bridesmaid Duties: Before the Wedding

1. Be there for the bride
We all know planning a wedding can be stressful, so a big bridesmaid responsibility is simply lending a helping hand or attentive ear to the bride when she needs it. She might need a bit of planning assistance — or just a good vent sesh.

2. Be there for the maid of honor
Some people might not be aware of everything that the maid of honor is supposed to do for the bride and wedding. It’s a lot — big things like planning the bachelorette party and smaller details like holding the bride’s bouquet at the wedding. A major item on the bridesmaid duties checklist is offering to provide help to the maid of honor if she ever needs it.

3. Be positive and offer to help with planning (within reason)
It’s not your wedding so we understand if you don’t want to get into the nitty gritty of the planning process, but that doesn’t mean you can’t help the engaged couples search for wedding vendors or with other planning-related tasks. Just try not to let helping the bride plan her wedding take over your life.

4. Find and book travel/hotel accommodations for you (and your plus-one)
For destination weddings, the couple will usually provide a hotel room block for guests, just make sure you make travel reservations as far in advance as you can manage.

5. Buy your bridesmaid dress, shoes, and accessories on time
A big thing on the list of bridesmaid duties is just simply being on top of it — especially when it comes to your attire. While there are a number of reasons why you shouldn’t wait until the last minute to order your bridesmaid dress, shoes, and accessories, the biggest is that if you do, it probably won’t all arrive in time. An upset like this will not only stress you out, but also the bride and other members of the wedding party. Avoid the drama (and the potential that you’ll stick out like a sore thumb in the photos), by ordering your bridesmaid dress.

6. Go wedding dress shopping with the bride-to-be
Wedding dress shopping is a unique experience for every bride and the number of people in the entourage will likely differ from bride to bride. If you’re asked to join, it’s important to follow a few etiquette rules while shopping — and, while you're at it, study up on the latest wedding dress trends so you're an informed audience.

7. Help plan and organize the bridal shower, bachelorette party, and rehearsal dinner
While planning most of the pre-wedding events falls onto the maid of honor, keeping track of details can be incredibly overwhelming, so add "offering evnet planning assistance" to your list of bridesmaid duties. For example, if you’re helping to plan a destination bachelorette party, volunteer to coordinate flights and hotels for other members of the bridal party.

8. Chip in for the parties if you can
While you shouldn’t have to shoulder the costscompletely on your own, consider splitting the cost of the pre-wedding activities among the bridal party.

9. Attend pre-wedding events
One of the best items on the bridesmaid duties list is celebrating with the bride-to-be. So try to be available to participate in the bridal shower, bachelorette party, and especially rehearsal dinner.

10. Buy a wedding gift
It’s proper wedding etiquette for guests to buy the couple a wedding gift. With all the other details of being a bridesmaid, try not to let this fall by the wayside. Head over to their wedding registry and pick a gift you think they’ll love.

View Quoted Comment Just because you found an article to support your position doesn’t mean you aren’t expecting too much. I could google pretty much anything and find an article supporting my position, no matter how awful the subject matter. Most of these say “offer to help” meaning they offer help to you if they can. Not you demand help and get to throw a tantrum if they don’t.

Also if someone expected me to attend meet ups, venue visits and x number of other things you have in store for a year and a half or more, I’d probably see myself out of their wedding and eliminate them from my life. You don’t own these people for the next 18 months.

The bridal party isn't required to do any of the things you are complaining about. As others have said, your expectations are too high. Your wedding is over a year away, there isn't anything that the bridesmaids need to do at this point. They have their own lives and priorities that will always come before your wedding. If you keep this up between now and the wedding they will all grow very tired of it very quickly and you will likely end up damaging your relationships with all of them.

If you kick people out of the bridal party be prepared to lose the friendships. In the case with your SIL it can cause issues with your in laws for the future. Is that worth it? Especially when your expectations are unreasonable to begin with?

The article claiming all the duties and obligational of the bridal party sounds like a full time job!

Just because she has the time to do any of those things listed doesn't mean that she has to though, that's the point. You're seriously considering risking a relationship with your brother's sister because she doesn't want to walk around your venue to see how it should be decorated? And maybe she isn't interested in going dress shopping with you, or walking around a bridal show for a wedding that isn't hers. And also, she's at least trying to rearranged her work schedule, but in most people's lives, work > a wedding that isn't theirs and she shouldn't jeopardize her job for your wedding.

I repeat what I've already written - caring about a person and caring about their wedding are two very separate things. You have 18 months before your wedding and you're going to risk annoying all of your bridesmaids if you keep expecting them to do all of these things that they have no responsibility towards - regardless of a list that you found on the internet.

And again, as I've already written - 3 friendships were damaged because of the way that a bride acted towards her bridesmaids in her wedding. This is my life. I have been friends with this person for 25 years and I haven't spoken to her in over a year because of how she acted. And I was her matron of honor. When people tell you that you can ruin friendships over how you act, they aren't lying.

I agree with others that you have to realize no one is as excited for your wedding as you and your future husband. They also have lives and can't always be as involved as you like.

When I went to a bridal show I took a random friend who was excited for my wedding, told me how she went to one when she was engaged, and offered to come with me. She wasn't in the bridal party. No one in my bridal party could/wanted to come and I was fine with that.

I didn't have a bridal brunch because I had a mix of local and non local bridesmaids. I made a facebook chat so they could know each other/had a way to contact each other if they wanted. They ended up making a second chat separate from mine so they could talk without spamming the "main" chat.

None of my bridesmaids went to the venue before the rehearsal. If they asked about it/wanted to help or talk about planning I included them. I very rarely brought up wedding stuff beyond asking their opinion on things that would affect them (I had sola flower bouquets and asked if they had a preference on colors or if they wanted their scented or whether they wanted to have their hair professionally done). I also didn't bring up decorating my venue because I considered that mine and my husbands jobs.

None of my bridesmaids went dress shopping with me. I went with my mom because I didn't want to have a ton of people there. Remember the more people there the more opinions you will get. That isn't always a good thing. When I picked up my dress I invited my MIL and one of my local bridesmaids to come with me so they could see the dress. I did send picture to my bridesmaids in the facebook chat because they asked.

A bridesmaid doesn't have to want to be a part of the pre wedding stuff. Having all this pre wedding stuff is a recent thing. In the past a bridesmaid just had to show up at the wedding. Honestly that's what you should expect. Anything more is nice, but it doesn't mean your bridal party cares about you any less if they aren't involved. Hell, there were times planning was tedious to me. Why should I expect it to be super fun and enthralling all the time to someone who isn't as invested as me?

I've been a bridesmaid twice, and never been to any of those things. Nor did my bridesmaids go to any of those things. Honestly, it seems like a lot to ask of a bridesmaid. Planning is more of a bride & groom thing, not a bridesmaid thing. I would just be happy with the bridesmaids who are more involved but realize some won't be because they have a life of their own with other obligations. It's nice she is trying to switch shifts, but she does have a job so if she can't switch, she obviously has to work. This seems very dramatic to "break up with her as a bridesmaid".