I asked my friend to be maid of honor and she said no

I'm not 'ragging' on Brian C, as you say. I just don't aprreciate having him saying I'm making assumptions and also being a guy because even my own fiance doesn't undertand how much this is hurting me.

I don't think being a maid of honor is a chore. This far out how does she even know what my expectations are?

All MOH position responsibilities seem to vary greatly, for example my MOH lives in Japan, so I'm not giving her a lot of responsibility, more like week of/day of stuff, which she is awesome at. In fact I chose her not only b/c she is one of my dearest friends, but because she keeps me calm and will get stuff done if I need help.

I'm sure your friend probably had her own reasons for saying no, will she agree to be a bridesmaid? It's still a position of honor, shows her you value your friendship, but has less responsibility....

@Chuwana/Jill, I think the expectations of the MOH position comes with American wedding traditions. However, if you don't expect your MOH to take a lead role in the wedding when it comes to planning and parties, then let her know. She may just be under the assumption that her position will entail more than just standing at your side the day of.

My MOH was my best friend of almost 17 years, however, I just wanted her there. Her involvement in my planning didn't make or break her position. I suggest a talk with your friend. ask what her reasons are, and clarify to her your expectations, or lack thereof. Communication goes a long way, Hope things work out for you hun!

Agree with teresa, it is an american tradition. My MOH just had to wear the dress that I bought and make sure I didn't have back fat at the wedding

I have no expectations of anyone who stands up with me! I guess I just thought there would be a little excitement because my friends and I have talked about this for years and how we would be each others bridesmaids. Now that I've been turned down the wedding planning just seems so tough and my fiance and I have been fighting since this happened.

You all have great advice and I have emailed my friend to find out why she won't be maid of honor, thank you.

Most groups of friends realize that one person is closer to the bride and groom than the others, and what Ms. Cabana said is absolutely true; it's a huge job and while it IS an honor to be asked, it's just as much an honor to allow her to decline.

My sister in law asked me to be in their wedding, and since I work like every single weekend, I said no. People have all kinds of reasons; expense, time, even disinterest in the whole process; not everyone has the enthusiasm for your wedding that you do.....it's just a fact of life.

You don't really need one; I've had brides with all BM's and several with Men of Honor, which I think is cool. Several of my brides have also asked their moms to stand with them, which I think is a great idea, depending on the family.

She may not have realized how hurt you would be, nor your expectations of her; a good talk would clear the air whether she decides to be part of the party or not. If not, maybe she could have another role, like a reading.

@Teresa exactly my point. My MOH just has to show up and help with day of stuff. She is extremely talented with make up and will be purchasing an airbrush system soon so she will do my makeup and the rest of the bridal party (of course there will be trials) @jill People attach so much to the position maybe your friend got scared off. WHen the smoke clears I wouls ask her why. Being that you are close enough for you to ask she should give you an explanation.

Whoa, Jill, Brian doesn't get it because he has boy bits? He gives some of the best advice here and "gets it" because he deals with weddings as his profession.

Overall, it sounds like he gave you straight-up his view on what's going on, and instead of taking his advice (that you ASKED for), you ragged on him and had a small fit. Usually, what hurts most is the truth...so definitely reread his advice and take it to heart.

I'm wondering if that might be an inadvertent habit of yours...if you feel criticized, do you lash out and/or claim the person doesn't understand?

If so, that may be part of the problem. I probably wouldn't want to be the MOH for a bride who says, "tell me your honest opinion on the dress" and then rips my head off for saying, "there were others that were more flattering."

In other words, people take time out of their day here to help one another and offer advice. Gratitude, even if you don't agree, is far preferable to the "you just don't understaaaaand" routine,

As for your situation, you have a couple of options. You can speculate and stew in your disappointment (which I understand, I would have been really upset if my MOH had fallen through). You can ask your friend why she doesn't want to participate, and maybe it's a reason you can fix (an inexpensive dress, fewer responsibilities). Or you can ask someone else to be your MOH, and just deal with whatever awkwardness might happen. Or, you can let it go and not have a wedding party.

Shannon, thank you for saying what I wanted to come back and say.

Jill, I think with any situation in life, it is only as dramatic as you allow it to be.

Well said Shannon

Shannon, I didn't say that Brian 'didn't get it it' nor did I dismiss him because of his boy bits which I HOPE he comes back and criticizes you for saying he has boy bits becaus if I were a guy I would find THAT comment rude and offensive.

I'm guessing from being on here for a few days that there are alligiences that I don't know about based on how quick you are to defend someone even though I said nothing negative.

Thank you again to everyone who has offered support. I will update you on the outcome.

"I just don't aprreciate having him saying I'm making assumptions and also being a guy because even my own fiance doesn't undertand how much this is hurting me."

I read that as, "Brian can't understand because he's a man." If there's another interpretation, I'd love to hear it.

And trust me, Brian has always shown the ability to laugh at himself (a trait that sometimes lacking around here), and I'm sure the boy bits comment was no big deal. Because unless he's a pre-op transexual or a Ken doll, he has them.

Shannon, I'm not going to 'stew in my disappointment' I'm trying to figure out how to have a bridal party now that it's known that one person has turned me down. I don't see anything wrong with trying to get support on that.

And thank you for taking the liberty to repost my comment. You obviously took it out of context as I see many of you do.

If I offended anyone I apologize. I'm here for support and to learn from brides to be and past brides!

I am so sorry someone declined to be your MOH. I am sure your feelings are hurt. Everyone offered possible reasons, but only she can tell you.

American tradition does dictate certain responsibilities for an MOH. In the overwhelming majority of weddings, it can be a time consuming and expensive responsibilitly. Mine only has to show up in whatever earth tone color outfit she chooses to wear.

LMAO Damn....if you ask for an opinion, you get one. You were rude to Brian. Yes, he has a consistent record of giving excellent advice on WW.

Re his "boy bits"....LMAO...only Brian can tell us.

I wasn't aware I needed permission to copy and paste what someone else typed, provided I'm not plagiarizing. And I've noticed you haven't said what you DID mean, so now I'm curious.

There's nothing wrong with wanting support...that's what we're all here for. But eventually you gotta dust yourself off. Did your friend write you back yet?

So we've got our verification, Brian is not a Ken doll.

Brian, if you are a psychologist then you understand where I'm coming from but you don't.

Carol - How in the world was I rude to Brian??? And more important, someone please tell me who I have offenended because I really just wanted to come here to chat & plan my wedding.

LOL @ Sharon- "make sure I don't have back fat" Too funny!

My heart hurts when I hear that sometone would turn down such a special role I might be going against what everyone else is saying but I think you should ask her why she declined. By keeping quiet your friendship will have strain as she did hurt your feelings. This was a huge blow and to not even offer an explaination is sad.

Maybe the next time you see her simply say that you understand that weddings can be overwhelming, but weddings are also a time to celebrate a milestone with those that are most important. Maybe tell her why she was your first choice for MOH. Then just ask her why she declined.

It will make you feel better if you know why.

So Brian is NOT a psychologist? Color me baffled, because I didn't understand that last post at all.

And, not to be juvenile, but you started it. When you ask for advice, you'll get it. And if you dont agree with what someone took time out of their day to tell you, thats fine. It's a free country. But coming back all, "You don't get it because you're a boy, no wait, that's not what I said, but uh..." isn't appreciated. "Thank you for your input," is all you really need to say.

FYI Sharon - I did have back fat in some of the pics...maybe I should have fired my MOH. There are a few where it looks like my shoulder blades have boobs. Oops!

I'm no psychologist, but I bet I can break this down...

Jill was bothered by, Brian's, first comment..."Jill, you're making assumptions. Okay, fine, so some other people know that you asked her and she declined. It's not a big deal, honestly."

So, Jill felt the need to clarify in what she felt was a mimicking tone.... "BrianC. You don't know me or my friends so you don't know if I'm making assumptions."

It seems as if both comments had the same tone, but again, as we all know, you can't detect tone from text. I think it's a misunderstanding. Jill, shake it off honey. If anyone should have been offended it shouild have been, Brian, and that's who should have spoken up. Since he didn't, and someone else did, we are now here, which is totally off the topic.

Truce??????