Thinking about demoting my Maid of Honor...HELP!!!

My MOH is sometimes very blunt and a lot of the other girls don't handle it well. I would NEVER demote her though. I do have 2 MOH and my 2nd is male and he helps keep her calmer with the girls and she has actually asked him to talk to the other girls to avoid problems. I love all my girls to death and I know how stressful life in general can be so I just try not to take things personal if any of the girls are on edge.

@FutureMrs.Cordova I feel the same way about my group. It's always easier if you take everything with a grain of salt!

@OP I hope things get better for you. My MOH still doesn't have her dress and refuses to get the same dress as the other girls because she is very petite and alterations would most likely cost her more than the dress (They spent $75 on it). I have tried like 6 different times to go shopping with her and she cancels every time. I stopped stressing on it. I found a dress that would fit her well in the same color as my other girls and gave her the name, address and phone number to the store where she can get it. I did that like 3 or 4 months ago and she still hasn't bought it but has sent me pics of different dresses she wants, all of which I have disliked and just told her I want her to buy the dress I chose. Anyway, I hope she gets the dress I chose, if not, oh well. My point is she has been super difficult, which she has never been before, and I am just dealing with it. There are many other things that I just wont go into that have happened but regardless she is my friend and as much as I have wanted to take her out of the wedding for various reasons I couldn't bring myself to do it because I love her and have known her for 20 years.

@Katie its sometimes hard for me not to take things personal because of all the stress I have due to the wedding planning but I just need to remind myself I am probably being really sensitive haha

Another reason to not ask the wedding party before 6-8 months prior to the wedding.

OP, based on your comments throughout the thread, you're going to do this. So as long as you're good with ending the friendship and possibly looking like a huge bridezilla then go ahead. I wouldn't replace her though, because that makes the "replacement" MOH feel like second choice.

I would caution you though to lower your expectations of these people.

You can't really demote her. I would ask the other girls if they wouldn't mind helping with meeting with the vendors with you but you can't make any of them plan the parties

This "friend" sounds very manipulative. Usually, i would say that weddings are stressful, give her a chance. But if any of my friends were outright rude to my FH, or my other friends, and didn't respond or laughed at me when I brought it up?? Ain't nobody got time for that. She can go on back to high school and you move forward with the adults in your life.

"Sorry you all think I'm concerned about her money because I mentioned one thing about her being upset about the price of a dress." Oh, you mentioned quite a bit more than that. After assessing her as someone who isn't a good person, you had this grocery list to add:

"She's not a good friend plain and simple. Does a good friend constantly put you down and make fun of you? Does a good friend openly hate you bridesmaids (by her own admission) for no reason other than "I was your friend first"? Does a good friend talk shitty to your fiance? Does a good friend ignore you completely when you try to reach out to her and ask her if everything is okay?"

And yet you say you don't want to hurt her. If that's truly you're objective, you don't wait until now -- a date suspiciously close to your wedding, an almost cut-off date for planning the parties she isn't planning -- and "demote her".

What you've expressed is such a radical personality transformation that it would have me very worried about the woman I asked to be my MOH. There has to be more here than meets the eye.

This is crazy upsetting. Your maid of honor should not be expected to do anything except show up and buy a dress. 190 dollars is outrageous for a dress she will wear once, did you even ask her how much that is? Perhaps she just doesn't want to spend the money on the one time dress? You're meeting with vendors, she has no job. And despite this, that's why personally I'd go with family. And if she has other obligations like kids, family, insurmountable credit card or student loan debt, still not chump change. Your friendship would be ruined and agree with pp, it will be your fault for being selfish. Perhaps she doesn't want to just talk about your wedding .

I wouldn't demote her but I would allow other BMs to help if they offer or ask one off questions/favors or refer them to your MoH whom they can help. I have been both a BM and MoH multiple times. My nature is caretaking and planning so I find I frequently do the brunt of the friend detail/planning work either way as it's not always the MoH's strong suit. Also, on the cost issues, any chance there has been a change in her own life that may make money feel a bit more tight than it did when you originally asked? May be your turn to turn off the wedding side of things and check. I am normally cool with BM dresses in about the same range but I had one wedding where in the middle of it a pet got diagnosed with a neurological issue and I felt like I was hemorraging money I didn't know I would need, making me more sensitive to other costs, especially those out of my direct control.

You need to take your FH to meet with vendors, not your BP! If you're MOH is dealing with a financial strain, LISTEN to her instead of talking about demoting her. Your wedding is not her only financial obligation, don't kid yourself.

Totally not trying to be a jerk.. serioulsy.. but just try to get through it. I know how much this sucks!! My own sister, whom is also my MOH has put me through the freaking ringer.. she has ruined so much of this for me. hasn't been supportive in the slightest, had the nerve to tell me that it should have been her getting married and not me, almost got my FH in some deep BOOBOO at work for her idiocy (long story) and has just been a complete freaking nut ball... all this and yet she is still my MOH.. even though all I really want to do is beat the holy hell out of her and never speak to her again, I keep on trucking. We are both in the home-stretch, love! Stay strong, optimistic and if that means you rely on your friend you were considering promoting, do that.. but do not create more drama for yourself by kicking her to the curb, because I promise you.. IT WILL!

I always say it's your day between you and FH. Ppl come and go. If she's making you that miserable on your special day It's time for her to go. Real freinds don't do all that.

I don't think you're a bad person at all. I understand having crappy friends like this, which is why I didn't want a bridal party in the first place. My mom is my MOH and the best man is my fiances dad. A true friend should be happy for you and should enjoy doing all the planning with you, not getting mad and treating people like crap. If it were me I would talk to her nicely first and ask what's up. If that gets you no where, then tell her like it is. I do agree though, that this will end the "friendship". Good luck!

@Vickie, i really hope that was not to me because my name is not chantel were going to have to get right off the bat. She should have everything revolved around her because it is her wedding, just like your going to get married one day and your going to understand the value of you being first in your wedding. Now try to put yourself in her shoes then you can tell me about this being sarcasm honey bun

"Also the cost of the dress is honestly not that much, especially when you can go to a lot of stores and pay that much for an everyday dress or pants/shirts."

I'm not hurting for money and I tend to wear a lot of dresses. I can't remember the last time I spent $200 on an "everyday dress." Just saying.

OP, I'd follow Richard's advice if you're set on ending the friendship.

This all sounds super frustrating ! I actually had a friend who was just a bridesmaid and she was not contributing whatsoever (just with input and excitement)... so I asked her what was up and if she was up for even being a BM, she told me she had things going on and so I respectfully asked her to just be a guest.

You don't have to demote her, just address it with her sternly. Say look this is my big day and I want you by my side, but is something going on that's preventing you from sharing the excitement? You never know, she could have some really personal issues that's affecting all of this. Then if she says no and that you are delusional, I would chat with your other BMs and just have them step up and take over. At that point you'd really have to ask yourself if you want her in your wedding memories and pictures forever ... if no, then kick her out. At the end of the day, it's YOUR wedding, YOUR memories... you control it. Good luck!

That's frustrating (there are a lot of 'high horses' on this thread I'm seeing calling you out about the MOH's shortcomings... strange). I would say, talk to her, express your concerns about how she's acting. Maybe come out and ask her something like 'Do you want to be MOH? Is this overwhelming you?' You both must've started in a good place, or you wouldn't have asked her, maybe start there. It could be jealousy? If she doesn't change her tune I'd switch things up, it's your wedding and one person shouldn't be able to put a damper on things because of their bad attitude, losing a friend or not!

If you and your moh aren't getting along, I would take a look at your friendship overall. When did you guys start bickering/ growing apart? Is there stress I her life other than your wedding? It doesn't excuse her being rude to you but perhaps there's something that has her stressed. Try to ask her about what's wrong and if she feels you have put undue pressure on her for anything. Truly listen then tell her that she's hurting your feelings by acting this way. If she won't speak openly with you and won't really listen to your feelings, there may not be much friendship left to save.

Just know that asking her to step down from your BP will probably end the friendship.

Are you like a twin of me? Because I'm going through the same thing. Unfortunately, I'm sticking through it and just letting it go. I talked to the other girls and just told them to not take anything seriously with her. 20 years of friendship - all it took was asking for her to be the MOH to show her true colors. I've expected a whole lot more.. but hey, you live and learn. As a bride and going through the same situation, I took my own advice by sticking through it rather than stressing over it.

I DEMOTED MINE and a HUGE weight has been lifted. See here for MOH duties: https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/the-ultimate-maid-of-honor-duties-checklist

I never even expected her to do it ALL, but I expected her to do SOMETHING...

Also - I've been in five weddings and have seen ALL FIVE of those MOH's go above and beyond and I have done a ton as a regular BM for my good friends, including planning an entire bach party overnight with a few events as a poor student living on loans bc the MOH couldn't attend. So, now that I'm getting married, I deserve this too. AND SO DO YOU!

I was contemplating it for MONTHS and after numerous convos with people, they kept asking why I'm even friends with her. Same stuff you mentioned happened to me:

1st of all I'm having a destination wedding, but in my BM asking cards, I told them it'd be $1000 per person at least (to budget) to even attend the wedding. I said I'd pay $100 towards their BM dresses, and pay to get their hair done. I also offered a bach party local at my parents shore house to keep cost down. And also that my Mom will pay for the bridal shower if the MOH plans, but she does have a say where/how her money is spent.

SOO knowing all that UP FRONT, she accepted the MOH role. The reasons I chose her in the first place: We've been good friends for >5 years and she's never strayed away even when she got a bf; she brags she makes $120K/year and her bf pays for everything for her, so cost would not be an issue; she's local, has no kids, so she will be able to help plan events. ***Most other BM's are not local and 2-3 close friends weren't sure they could even attend my destination wedding due to kids/cost (which I understand, but now they can attend!)

These are the events that followed in the next months:

1. Tried to guilt trip me into paying for her and bf's entire trip:

She told me 7 times over text "My bf thought YOU were going to pay for us." After I said no... I do not have an extra $2K to pay for you, she said "But I AM THE MOH!" I explained to her that I never said I was paying for her, and I have NEVER heard of a bride paying for a MOH to attend the wedding. She continued to argue telling me, "Well my ex told me if we got married, he would pay for all of our bridal party." I said well he was a rich surgeon and I'm not marrying a rich surgeon, so I cannot pay for you.

2. She told me flat out about the BM dresses I chose: "Those dresses are ugly and look like togas."

First of all, every other BM said they loved them! Secondly, you don't say rude things like that to the bride. Have a filter!

3. After no one could agree on a certain style, I let each BM choose their own style. She changed her dress FIVE TIMES and stressed me OUT! All other girls were easy to deal with and chose once.

4. After she insisted we go to Vegas for the bach, I said OK, great! I asked her to look up some hotels and I will too...she never did. A month later I found one and asked her to book it. She refused, saying she didn't have enough money on her CC. (Yet she brags she makes money all the time). So, my mom had to put it on her CC!

5. She said she would collect the money and repay my mom, so I said that's fine....UNTIL I found out she was going to collect $450 over above and beyond the total hotel cost! I SAID WHAT are you trying to make some bank off being a MOH?! HELL NO - me and my fiance contacted her immediately to step in - shady!! Her excuse was that she'd use the extra $$ to get matching attire...uhh what are you getting for $450?! You know she was trying to pay for her portion. (Which was only $220/person btw)

6. She asked if she can invite her friends to MY bach party in vegas who I've never even met! WTF IS THIS?!

7. She asked if she can celebrate her b-day on the first night of my bach in vegas (It's a whole week before her bday and I purposely did not schedule it her bday weekend!) WHO ASKS THAT!?

8. I asked her to send an email to all of the BM's about booking tickets to an event that we all had discussed going to. She said "Not now, everyone is gearing up for July 4th." A week after July 4th - still no email sent!

9. So I researched tickets and group sales, contact sales lady...forward the MOH all of the info so she can just book it. I did all the leg work. A week later she still never even acknowledged that I sent her the email! I texted her saying "did you get my email and can you get the tickets?" She said "Can you?" So I book the tickets!! ugh.

10. I also researched pool parties and events for us to attend. I put us on a guest list for free. This is something easy and free she could have done, but no!

11. Other BM's reached out to her (after I asked them to) saying they could help out with stuff...she shut them all down saying she would do it! She said she'd order some matching stuff for us for the bach party and still hasn't!

12. The last straw was when I asked if she'd help my mom plan the shower - for like the 5th time b/c she previously kept brushing it off (As I told her before my mom would pay for it if she helped plan). She said "well YOUR MOM is the one with the money." When I asked all my other BM's, they said "Yes I will help! I can bring a dish!". etc. Mind you - she has been bragging to everyone that she is the MOH and was planning on dropping $100-200 on a bridal belt for herself to stand out but can't fork over a dollar for me or my shower! All of these events made me realize she's jealous she's not the center of attention and is self-centered.

So here's the demotion: Through text bc I needed my feelings written out and her to physically SEE it written.

After I listed each single thing that made me demote her, she blamed ME, my Mom, and the other BM's for her not doing anything, lied about having things planned (When I asked what she had planned she said "well you wanted it a secret!" I said no I didn't...I said 'surprise me,' but tell me what you have planned... she was silent bc nothing was planned!) She made excuse after excuse saying she wasn't sure what to do, etc etc.

I am just SO relieved after all of this. At this point, after her acting this way and saying all of her rude comments, I couldn't care less about our friendship. Having a wedding really does make you see who your true friends are. I am now going to pick one of my other BM's as MOH who's been a great help and she lives on the other side of the country!!

SO...Don't be standing up there next to a MOH who you RESENT! This happened to a friend of mine and now she has to crop all her pics bc her horrible MOH is in them all next to her! Her husband told her to keep the peace and not demote her...but after seeing what she went through..he told me and my fiance to DEMOTE if you need to!!

I didn't want that happening to me. I want to remember this as a happy time and not something I regret. I am so relieved!

It's YOUR DAY, and YOU DESERVE what every other bride gets - showered with love and happiness! Do not be a people pleaser in this situation, please yourself because you deserve it!!