Thinking about demoting my Maid of Honor...HELP!!!

Hi Janet,

It's hard going through this, especially when you're just trying to be happy and celebrate the fact that you're getting married. Unfortunately, I see this happen all too often with my brides and their bridesmaids (I'm a planner). Reading one of your previous comments, it sounds like you've tried really hard to make it better. At this point, I would give her the option. Explain how you are feeling and let her know that it feels as if she doesn't want to be a part of the wedding anymore. Tell her that if that's the case, you're perfectly okay with her stepping down, that you don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Give her the option. Put the ball in her court. Explain how you feel and give her a chance to explain how she is feeling as well. Once you do this, she may elect to step down on her own and you don't have to be the bad person.

Another option is to ask another bridesmaid to be co-MOH. Your current MOH probably won't like this and may elect to step down on her own at that point as well. But, you can explain to her that you feel like you haven't been supported and there are a few tasks that you will need help with as wedding day approaches. You feel like she won't be available to help, so you've asked someone else to assist.

Lastly, I know it's not required for MOH to throw parties and help you plan. As some were saying, all that's required is that they show up on wedding day. But, in the over 100 weddings I have planned I would disagree. I would say it's required for your bridesmaids to support you, to be nice to you, and above all else, be your friend. If she's not doing any of these things, I think you have every right to ask her to excuse herself from the wedding.

Sorry you have to go through all of this and hopefully it gets better!

Cheers,

Sarah White

The I Do List

Holy fuck, what is the point of being on the forums and going into a thread if you people don't actually read the damn comments?? Just to "hear" yourselves talk? Read the comments before you post

@Kayla -

1. Hijacking a thread is stupid. Especially if you aren't going to read the comments on the thread! And you obviously didn't because if you had you would have seen 95% of the people commenting were discouraging demoting bridesmaids or MOHs because its the #1 wedding related way to a ruin a friendship.

2. Your thinking is so ass backwards it hurts. No MOH or Bridesmaid is required of anything. What about brides who's MOH's live out of state or have additional commitments and are unable to assist with planning a bunch of parties, that arent even required? My MOH is attending grad school out of state to obtain her PHD in Mathematics, she wont be around to plan things and i DO NOT CARE. All I care about is that my best and oldest friend is standing next to me the day I say I do. Because thats what a MOH is. The person who has supported you most in life and who you couldn't imagine not having there.

A MOH does have duties. One of them is being NICE and SUPPORTIVE.

My BM on the other side of the country has done more than my local MOH. She's supported, encouraged and been a good friend to me. Helped suggest songs, just little stuff that she can do from afar. Hence why I demoted my MOH and am changing my BM on the other side of the country to be my MOH. She's shown me that I'd rather have her by my side than anyone else!

Maybe you could just move one of your other BMs up and have two MOH's. This would mean that the other MOH could plan everything you want, and you wouldn't have to deal with the other ones anger.

Why are we trying to help someone be a better friend/person/bride when they have already destroyed a friendship over some ridiculous notion of what being a MOH means?

By all means, @Eve ruin your friendships so you can feel superior for one day. Everyone on here know that's isn't life after a wedding so it's not like you'll need them anyway

This thread....Sweet Baby Jesus!

No, I don't need to feel superior. She needs to realize the day isn't about her. She's been flat out mean to me and rude. After all that I realized she wasn't a friend. A friend would be supportive.

So instead of talking to your friend about what was going on or if something happened that made her feel that way or if she was upset about something going on in life, instead of behaving like a friend to your friend, you decide it was more important to prioritize another friend who caters to your needs?

Okay I get it Your bridal experience > your friendships.

Cool.

@Eve

No one is going to agree with you on your ridiculous expectations.

Let this thread die. If you want to start your own by all means but the OP gets notifications for each response and this thread died a week ago.

I did talk to her about it and even offered her to step down if she didn't have the time or money, but she said No, I still want to be the MOH just bc she wanted the title. She wanted the title but wanted me to shower her. If you were in my situation and knew everything, you'd agree. Trust me. 100% of the people I talked to told me to demote her months ago even though I was hesitant.

I was demoted as a BM before bc I couldn't afford $6000 to attend her lavish wedding events. I had to call her and tell her that and gave her the option of demoting me bc I literally didn't have $6000 lying around. Me and her are still great friends and I'm actually relieved I was demoted.

My only expectation of my bridal party is to be NICE to me. If you aren't nice, you aren't a friend. @Jess being nice is not a ridiculous expectation.

What the fuck is The I Do List and why should I care if Sarah White comes from it???

@Eve MOH is not a job title. You don't get demoted. If you wanted her out of the wedding party the proper term is "kicked out" or "ruined relationship"

Also

This. Is. Not. A. Thread. You. Started. Stop. Hijacking. This. Thread.

I didn't kick her out. I said she can still be a BM and is still a good friend. We are still talking and friends and she still wants to get surprise gifts for everyone at the Bach. If she shows me that she will be nice and supportive, I'd consider letting her be MOH again.

The overall point is that on your wedding day you should be happy and pleased with all decisions. Do what you have to do even if it means switching MOH's around to be supportive. True Friends will stick with you no matter what and understand your decisions.

I don't even know what I am reading anymore.

Eve,

First of all, what your friend makes is absolutely none of your business. I am so blown away by the amount of women on here that know their friends' incomes and are so willing to share it with random internet strangers. You're correct in saying that your wedding is all about you, therefore you should be taking 100% responsibility for everything that is being planned, with the exception of the shower and bachelorette party. Those are events hosted by other people and if no one offers to host it, guess what boo boo? You don't get one.

And what in the actual fuck is a BM ASKING CARD?

I literally cannot deal with this nonsense. Who are you to even throw rules around to people? Do you shit on a golden toilet? Do you roll around in silk sheets with diamonds all around you? I would be so embarrassed to have a friend like you. You are getting married, not running this country. Get the fuck over yourself!

I am responsible for 100% of my wedding and have done 100% so far.

Everyone nowadays gives gifts/cute cards when they ask to be in the wedding. It's a cute idea. All of them liked it and were really happy! It's more personal to write a note and get a gift for them rather than just asking them to their face if they want to be in it. Maybe you were confused?

I actually agree with you OP, I think the new idea that bridesmaids are only expected to buy a dress and show is bullshit. The original idea of a bridal party is a group of friends who want (key word right there) to assist in planning, decorating, throwing a shower, etc. Shit, the role MOH used to come with the expectation that she would decorate the entire wedding by herself! Now that's ridiculous, but it's also pointless to have a bridal party for the purpose of bodies. Seriously ladies, that's how y'all make this sound. Like your lining up a row of filler people to make your pictures look nice. Weddings were once community effort events, not professionally run circuses, and this a bridal party served as a head committee of sorts for the planning. If you don't want to have that kind of involvement in a friend's wedding, then say NO to being a damn bridesmaid. As many of you love to trot out, no is a complete sentence. And so is yes. Saying yes to being part of a bride or groom's support team can be a pleasure and a wonderful bonding experience. I think the"buy a dress and show up" attitude is belittling the bridal party roles. It's a reflection of how unbelievably selfish and entitled our generation is. Only a millennial could convince themselves that their friends wedding is of so little importance that their only obligation of being IN the wedding is to show up in pre-determined clothing.

@MsMac Being respectful of my family's time is not a "millennial" idea of selfish and rude. I hired a DOC so my girls can relax before the wedding and not have to sweat in the middle of August to decorate *my* venue.

Silly, selfish, entitled millennial hosting a pre-wedding relaxation day in a hotel suite to relax with my girls. My bad I'll go give them jobs and make it a community event so some Baby Boomer is happy...sounds good.

Oh you mean a BM proposal box? You said BM ask box, I wasn't sure what you meant by that. But either way, kinda odd to put the cost of things inside of it, as opposed to personally asking them what their budget was. You don't get to decide their budget.