Need to know if I'm being being selfish

I really don't understand why you weren't planing to have any of your children on the wedding and why did you want your nieces in it but not your future stepdaughter? If you really love her as a daughter she should have been your first choice.

Is her surprise party before or after the wedding? Maybe you need to ruin the surprise if you were planing to have her party after your wedding, but if the party is going to be before your wedding (I think it would be the best choice) then let her use the dress she got from her grandma at the party, I'm sure she will gladly wear whatever you want to the wedding if her party is before the wedding. The surprise part it's making everything more difficult.

Just tell her about the surprise party and she wont feel like she is being forgotten or needs recognition in the 17th. She will probably love helping to plan her own party. (sorry you got ripped apart here)

@felicity she didn't get ripped apart. She came into a public forum and asked if she was being selfish. To which the answer is a resounding yes.

I think this is a little over the top for a birthday... I didn't have any kind of party for my 16th bday. It's just another day, as my dad would say. BUT it's totally odd to me that grandma is praying for the dress and not you and your FH. It's his child and your FSD, therefore you guy's responsibility to pay. A 15 year shouldn't have to pay to be in their parents wedding! it's not cool though for her to wear a white dress to a wedding. She, as a teenager probably doesn't know that's not acceptable, but grandma should know that. Your wedding, tell her what to wear and pay for it. I think you kind of made this situation complicated for yourself... sorry

Does FMIL know about the surprise birthday party you are planning? If not, I would sit down and explain to her that you are planning this party. To me, it sounds like she is trying to make sure her granddaughters birthday is not forgotten in all the wedding planning. 16 is a big birthday for a lot of girls so she might just want to make sure she has a special time. I would talk to her. Let her know that you have something planned to honor the birthday. Let her know that you are not comfortable with her buying a second dress for your step daughter and that the photographer will not be spending an hour taking photos of her. (If you don't want these things done. If you are ok with it then that's fine).

By the way, I do think it was extremely selfish of you and your FH to choose her birthday as your wedding day.

I think Grandma was mostly trying to prove a point. She likely knows better than to buy the kid a ballgown, and I venture to bet that the kid knows better, too. My personal opinion is that FMIL and FSD played you, and you ate it right up. Come down off your high horse, change your wedding date, continue the plans for the birthday party, and show everyone that you're not a greedy stepmonster.

I don't understand how your own child being in it has anything to do with your nieces being in it.

Yes OP, you're being selfish.

My mom remarried when I was 19, so I was older than your FSD, but I would have been equal parts hurt and livid if they had gotten married on my birthday.

You're really not considering your FSD's feelings here at all, and I think that's really sad.

As a stepmom myself, I could never imagine planning my wedding day on one of my kids' birthdays (really the only day they have just for them all year) and not involve them in the wedding on top of that..... Wow.

Obviously say no to the ball gown and pictures. That's just inappropriate and tbh if you have a problem with a birthday cake there you shouldn't have picked her birthday anyway, I wouldn't have picked her birthday because now your anniversary will always be on her birthday which could always cause some issues. But aside from that no is a one word sentence, just say no and be done.

Yes you are being selfish

You shouldn't have knowingly planned the wedding on her birthday. 16 is a big birthday and kids are impressionable. I really hope you don't miss all her future birthdays because you need to celebrate your anniversary.

She is your FUTURE DAUGHTER and you are making your FMIL pay for all of her s$&@. That's awful. I'm sure your FSD feels great knowing that she only gets to be in the wedding because her grandma is paying. She may be acting out and that's why she went with the ballgown. I would be crushed if I was in my father's and future stepmothers wedding only because my grandma was sticking up for me. No you do not need to have your nieces in the wedding. Here's what you say "sorry, we are only having our children in the wedding." My cousin is a bridesmaid but that doesn't mean I asked every single one of my cousins to be in the wedding. Let her take a few pictures on her damn birthday. An hour is a bit much but still. Ask for honest opinions and you shall receive, at 16, I would resent my parents for getting married on my birthday.

Might I add that this MIGHT be okay if the daughter was like 25, 30. At 16? She might seem mature, but she really isn't yet. And these are crucial years in her life that you will be a second (or only? Not sure if the bio mom is still in the picture) mother to her. She needs you to be there for her and you are only thinking of yourself.

Here's my thoughts ... she needs a sweet 16 ... that to me is a big deal for a girl and it was insensitive of you to pick a date not considering her feelings ... find a venue a dress catering and food and cake fore her ... I also think she should be in your bridal party and yes you are selfish ...

Not sure it would ever be okay, honestly, regardless of her age. As @Sarah said, before it was the day they met, it was the day his daughter was born. Not sure I'd marry man who chooses to put his first meeting of his future wife above his daughter's birth AND is okay with said daughter not even being in the wedding while the other kids are unless grandma pays her way. Can we say ugh?

"we had already discussed who we were going to have in our wedding party. Our son is going to be the ring bearer, his youngest daughter is going to walk him down the aisle, and the oldest son didn't want to be in the wedding."

I am also still really hung up on this. So you asked all the kids except your FSD to be in the wedding? That's really kind of mean.

Do you have an issue with your FSD? I'm honestly asking. Because reading this as a stranger on the internet who doesn't know you, it sounds like you don't like her. Or are resentful of her. Or something.

As a mother of 7, 5 of which are stepchildren but my children all the same, I will never understand this! Why on earth would you think it's a good idea to have your wedding on your daughters birthday? So that for the rest of her life she can live under the shadow of your anniversary? Why was fh ok with this? To be quite honest if I were your future husband and I read this post of you having to "cave" and have his mother pay or else the answer would still be no I would reconsider a lot of things I would never talk about any of my children this way! You are most certainly being selfish I cannot even imagine how you step daughter feels. I really hope you reconsider the date and change your attitude towards this child because all I know is if my fh talked about my kids the way you spoke of his daughter or vice versa there would be no relationship or wedding to plan!

If my FH said something like this about my children, I'd be pissed...id reconsider the whole relationship. Idc if YOU dislike her, that's HIS daughter and she should be honored as such.

I honestly think it's a little selfish having your wedding on your FD sweet sixteen. She has one days that's her birthday. You had 364 other days to choose from to get married.

Sorry I can't answer your question about your FMIL because I'm still stuck on the first part.

This is absurd.

Either move the day- or tell her no. Have a cake and be done with it. The rest of the "requests" are way out of line.

I'm just curious how NO ONE else in the family spoke up and said no, that' this is selfish. How did your FH NOT speak up? If my FH spoke about my son the way you speak about your FSD, the relationship would end very quickly. Smh... I can't even process how no one was truthful to you, or how your FH is fine with this.