Need to know if I'm being being selfish

?

I mean, um, I'm not going to tell you who to have in your bridal party, but I think the kids who are part of your immediate family are pretty good and obvious choices, birthday or no birthday.

So, the bridal party and I go to try dresses, and immediately my FMIL takes over, and takes all the girls to dresses she is picking out for them to try on. Then the bday girl brings over a ball gown wedding dress to change into after ceremony... Um, WHAT?! and the FMIL agrees and said she will pay for it. Then, I overhear her saying that she is going to bring a birthday cake to our wedding, and will have my photographer (that my FH and I are paying for) take an hour to take her bday photos. I also want to add that my FH, MOH, and I have a surprise 16th bday planned for her already but not the day of our wedding. Am I being selfish to feel like all of this is totally inappropriate?

I know you are still typing, but being completely honest, I think it's odd not to have your future stepdaughter in your wedding party.

I especially think your comment about your FMIL "covering the costs" is odd. What are you referring to? A dress? How much could that possibly run you?

I am sensitive to this because I have a daughter and if my FH didn't want her in our wedding party I'd be very upset.

Your FMIL is going to pay for your future stepdaughter to be in the wedding?

I mean, you can say no to the hour of photographs and the ball gown. I think the birthday cake is fine.

I think this problem is easily solved by you guys throwing her a sweet 16 on the day before. Your wedding is on a Sunday. Do her party on Saturday, and you aren't taking away from her "Sweet 16" and you get a day for yourself. She's your daughter, you should want to do that for her. Doesn't have to be big or anything, but make sure she knows she's special, too!

Why aren't you and your FH paying for YOUR stepdaughter outfit?

I think you need to have a talk with your FMIL. It does sound like she is trying to take over everything. The white dress? That's just weird. Hopefully she didn't already buy it.

I also agree with PP's that the kids are an obvious choice to be in the wedding. Are you not having any of them including your own in the wedding?

Your photographer is working for YOU not her. You should call the photographer and give them at heads up so they are not caught off guard.

I think the ball gown and photos are unreasonable and can understand your frustration around those. I think your FH needs to talk to his mother about it.

Talk to FMIL about the secret separate party so maybe she'll back off about birthday stuff at the wedding.

If she doesn't, tell her the photography time is not going to happen, but you'll gladly give FMIL your photographer's card so she can schedule a birthday shoot if she wants that to be a birthday present for her, though I'm pretty sure most 16year olds have better ideas for a $100+ gift than a photo shoot...

As a bridesmaid, FSD will wear the dress you choose. Because that's a bridesmaid's only job.

Why did you take FMIL to pick out bridesmaid dresses?? Don't take her with you next time. Then tell them the dress she needs to buy (or style and color, depending on how specific you are choosing to be).

@A.L.C. we had already discussed who we were going to have in our wedding party. Our son is going to be the ring bearer, his youngest daughter is going to walk him down the aisle, and the oldest son didn't want to be in the wedding.

I wouldn't have picked her bday for a wedding, ever. Just seems like you're asking for trouble. But I do agree that since her bday is taken, that a party the day before will fill in the void. The white dress though???? That's way over the top for her. She should be in the wedding party maybe as a junior bridesmaid? My sister is much younger than I and she's my junior bridesmaid at 16.

So the 16 year old is going to be a bridesmaid then? That's good.

@FutureMrsR, that is the whole thing. We already have a surprise sweet 16 birthday party planned for her.

I have several thoughts:

Is your FH's oldest the only child you are including in the BP? If so, that seems unfair to the others. It also seems a little strange you weren't originally planning on including your children, but whatever.

I'd put my foot down about the wedding dress your FMIL bought. Not appropriate. Let her wear another dress after the ceremony if she wants, but not a wedding dress.

Honestly, I think you should have a cake or something special for her. Turning 16 is a really big deal when you're that age. IMO, if you knowingly picked that date in part because it's her birthday, you should acknowledge her birthday. My FH and I are in a wedding in a couple weeks on his birthday, and the bride and groom are planning to do something special for him to acknowledge his birthday.

As for the photographer, an hour seems excessive, but I think it's fair to have a couple pictures taken of her.

I don't think it's a bad idea to have a cake for your FSD at the wedding. Maybe take a moment to sing happy birthday. It is her birthday after all. We did the same for my grandma cause we got married on her birthday. Trying to hijack your photog though is a no-go. You should make sure your photog knows that they cannot let your FMIL take over. Also, I agree that you should find a way to nix the white dress.

Wedding on a girl's 16th birthday? Isn't this the plot of Sixteen Candles?

Well you shouldn't be having your wedding on her birthday. She wants and deserves to feel special on the day that's supposed to be hers