Need to know if I'm being being selfish

I agree that not including her in the wedding when you asked all the other kids is a little strange. Why was she not included? Are you asking your FMIL to buy attire for all the kids? Why is she being singled out?

I don't think it's a big deal to have the wedding on her bday. Yes 16 is supposedly a big deal. I've never thought it was that special or exciting unless you are one of the kids on MTV. In any case. It's great that you are planning a nice party for her. Could you maybe present her with her gift at the wedding? I'm doing a bday cake for my dad at my wedding. Feels weird to not acknowledge her at all.

"@Elizabeth, maybe you misunderstood me, or maybe I stated it wrong. We didn't ask any of the children be part of the wedding party until we agreed to have the bday girl as part of the wedding party."

Then you're changing your story. Literally three posts before this one, you said: "The reason I said caved is because we had already chosen how our kids would be involved and if we had her in the BP, I would have to have my two nieces that I am extremely close with."

So, no you didn't plan for the other kids AFTER you caved on this one. You already planned for the other kids to be in the wedding. You excluded this one and that's just cruel.

@TheBestieEstie You asked if you're being selfish and the answer IMO is yes. Very. Frankly, if you have to ask, you probably are. Clearly I'm not the only person who thinks that the way you are approaching your future step-daughter isn't okay. The rant doesn't come across as being about your FMIL at all.

Your post is a ran about your FMIL demanding things of you instead of asking. IMO, she has every right to demand because she is looking out for the feelings of her granddaughter, which neither you nor her father have bothered to do.

IMO, GO FMIL!

How about instead of doing a surprise party, you tell your FMIL and FSD that you are throwing her a party? It seems kinda stupid that it's a surprise when you planned a wedding on her bday.

@Elizabeth AMEN!!

I know it's coming up soon but, is there Any way you can change your date? Maybe January or February 17 if the number means a lot to you?

Having a birthday close to a holiday is already difficult. She'll spend her whole life with friends/ family planning Christmas parties during her birthday week.

Now you're expecting her to share her birthday with your wedding anniversary? Think about how worthless that can make a kid feel.

I'm really not sure why you thought it was appropriate to schedule your wedding day for her sixteenth birthday, regardless of the day your and your FH met. I get you like Christmas time, so why not the first weekend of December or something around there? That would give you time for a wedding and even a decent honeymoon without intruding on this very young girl's birthday.

And yes, the ballgown and demanding an hour of your photographer's time is ridiculous, but. Come on. Her sixteenth birthday?

ETA: @#fitz made a good point I hadn't even thought of with your anniversary. Will your SD ever get to have a special birthday without your anniversary undermining it?

I mean she's going to be your step daughter..why wouldn't she be in your bridal party?

I read all the comments. December kids usually have their birthdays overshadowed by the winter holidays already.

Now forever, your step-daughter's birthday will be overshadowed by her dad's new anniversary. That's just digging the knife deeper.

It was insensitive, at the very least, if not downright cruel to set your wedding date to coincide with her 16th birthday.

I know some people are saying it's not a big deal that it's on her birthday.. but I would be pissed AF if this happened to me at 16.

Why in the world would you ever plan a wedding to this girl's father on her sweet 16? And then to not even include her in the wedding party? Maybe this is just a touchy subject with me because of my love of kids. But I just don't understand why you would plan your wedding on your step child's birthday. Also to echo what some PP's said, the way your treating your FSD is just not right. Your FMIL is acting as a grandparent. And let me tell you something about grandparents, you don't mess with their grandkids. This kid has had to deal with her parent's divorce, her father about to remarry and now she can not even get her own day celebrated for herself because this new woman is now putting her needs and wants before said kid. Yes, you're being selfish.

Same here @Shann

@Megan W- Preach

Catching up on OP responses.

4 kids together. 3 in the bridal party and now upset that you were guilt tripped about excluding the oldest?

I would like to hear her side of the story.

To be honest, I think you having your wedding on her 16th birthday was not a great plan. 16 is a big birthday for kids and she doesn't get to have "her day" because you are having "your day." I agree that the ball gown is a little ridiculous and the hour of pictures is extremely odd (who has 16th birthday professional pictures?) but the birthday cake is a nice touch. You should want her day to be special. This is about to be your child...

It comes across as guilt induced asking her, which is just wrong. You should WANT to have a great relationship with her, trust me that's an important thing. As a step daughter, nothing hurts more than being pushed aside by your parents, new step parent. You're literally overshadowing her birthday and complaining about FMIL being upset. It's so selfish of you to even set your wedding date on her birthday, not to mention a bit weird. Her birthday is now no longer her day, she now no longer has a day that's reserved for her. Also, you're speaking about her like you could care less if she's even there...

Why on earth would you have your wedding day on her birthday period? So now she has to share that with you the rest of the time you are married... This isn't some random cousin it's you SD.

I also think it's strange you keep calling her the "bday girl" and demand someone else cover her costs. You sound super selfish. Your FMIL is just looking out her granddaughter and it sounds like she needs to.

I agree with PP, YES you are being selfish. Why the hell would you plan your wedding on one of the kids birthdays, ESPECIALLY on your future SD 16th birthday? That is the epitome of selfishness in my book!

I get the feeling you dont really care about her SD at all, if you did you would be more than happy to have her in the wedding, and make sure to do something EXTREMELY special for her, especially since you are hijacking HER special date. You literally could have chosen 364 more days in the damn year, but you just HAD TO have her birthday! Way to be a good mom!

The Grandmother is just trying to make sure that her granddaughter doesn't feel sad and excluded on HER DAMN DAY, SMDH!!!

Wow, I am glad you are not my child's soon to be stepmother.

Why are you so against your stepdaughter being part of the wedding? Sounds like you tried to include all of the children except her.

And why get married on her birthday? You could get married literally any other day in December, or any other time in the year for that matter.

I don't think FMIL should be hijacking the photographer and getting her a ballgown. Tell FMIL you plan to have a party for her.

I think its extremely rude to have your fmil pay the cost of her outfit. This is your step daughter.

I totally agree with Sarah and Elizabeth.