Need to know if I'm being being selfish

I think it's selfish to hold your wedding on your FSD's 16th birthday. A 16th birthday is a big deal and you could have chosen any other day of the year. You are taking over a special day for her for something for YOU. That must be hurtful for her. I don't understand why you would do it. And I don't really care that you are planning a party for a different day. This is her ACTUAL birthday. That is important to a child. Your wedding does not have to be on the 17th. Any day will be special when it's your wedding day.

If you do proceed with this date, then I think a birthday cake is appropriate and wouldn't you and her dad WANT a few pro shots of her on this milestone birthday since you already have the photographer there? It does not have to be an hour of course. But I think a couple of shots of her would be nice.

Secondly, it is quite strange that you are so resistant to having her in your wedding and are agreeing only because you FMIL is paying for the dress. Shouln't you want to include her in your wedding party and happily pay for her dress? Two families are uniting. You would think the parents of the children would want to celebrate / symbolize that. It actually seems like she was the only child excluded initially? That makes it even worse.

Your overall attitude toward this girl seems cold and unlike a woman who is excited about having a step daughter.

Also...just going to point out her *possible* thought process:

"Dad and mom aren't together anymore. Dad is marrying someone who is not my mom. This lady does not want me in the wedding and is being difficult about me being in the wedding and is being rude to my grandmother. This wedding is also on my most important birthday. I hate this..." Which can turn into "I hate my stepmom"

Tread carefully...I think this is all on you. Not anyone else...

So much wrong here....and to have the wedding on her birthday....lost for words. The short answer, yes, you are. For many reasons, that would probably be a waste of time to expound on.

Can FMIL come on here and tell her side? Even without her side you sound like a evil step mother. Good luck.

They both definitely need to take a step back.

If I was in your situation I would have her in the bridal party. She will be your daughter. She is an important part of the day also. However, she shouldn't be wearing more extravegant attire than the rest of the bridal party. She should be a bridesmaid and be treated as such. I would have a small announcement and small cake for her. (I will be doing this for my grandmother who will be having a big birthday the same week of the wedding).

If your FMIL is still giving push back, bring her into the loop of the surprise party. This will let her know that you aren't just forgetting that it is the young girls birthday.

I think it was a little inconsiderate to make your wedding her birthday. Which will be more important every year? Her birthday or your anniversary? It's also a tad inconsiderate to have your wedding a week before Christmas. Lots of people save their vacation days specifically for that holiday and that's also the time of year that people are tight on cash so they probably don't have extra to travel to a wedding and buy a gift for it

I have so many things I want to say, but I see from the previous comments, all you'll do is get defensive. To answer your question, yes, you are being selfish. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how it would make you feel. And let me also say that going into a marriage playing favorites with the kids isn't gonna make anything run smoothly... it's only gonna cause chaos! Don't treat any of them differently, it never should have come to this.

I cant get over the wedding on her birthday. I would be pissed!!! I know I'm super over thinking but she is going to have 2 other birthdays as a child (if your counting 18) and those to will be overshadowed by your wedding anniversary as well. Her day will no longer be her day.

Edit: Also I believe the reason FMIL is being so pushy is because your FSD went to her grandmother and told her how pissed she is about the whole thing. IJS

Ok I'd say hell no to the ball gown and all the birthday photos. That's not what your photographer is there for...def talk with your FH about this and hopefully he'll be on your side. This just sounds like a mess and I'm sorry you have to deal with it :/

However, I also agree that it kind of sucks for her to have to share her birthday with your anniversary...

FFS, YES you have been extremely selfish about this whole wedding. PPs have said well. You are acting like the child in this situation. Your FMIL is only protecting her granddaughter from her new evil stepmother.

I don't feel sorry for you. You made your bed the second you chose her birthday as your wedding day, and now you get to lie in it.

You may think going all out for a bday party will make up for it but you are celebrating your anniversary on her birthday for the rest of her life. You have permanently taken her special day and turned it into yours. You couldn't have waited a few more days?

I mean, you could sing happy birthday to her and have a little cake for her at the wedding reception. I would nip the ballgown in the bud.

But really, I would never plan my wedding on an immediate family members birthday. First of all, it's just kinda rude (even if they say they're okay with it, just be courteous that it's their day too..). Second of all, you run the risk of problems like these.

I don't think I would have had my wedding on a big birthday of one of my kids. Sweet 16 is a thing. Since you did do this, she will be your step daughter, carve some time out of the day for some special recognition.

Just my two cents.

1. I think it's odd that you are getting married on the day that his oldest child was born. I know you met on that day but what will you celebrate first on that day? Your anniversary or his child's birthday. I think that day should be special for his child so every year on December 17th can be THEIR day...not YOURS.

2. YOUR wedding day is YOURS. No, nobody else (not even his or your child) gets to wear a ballgown, have birthday cake or any form of attention on that day. But then again, that wouldn't be an issue if you didn't pick the same day to get married as his child's birthday.

3. Why are you so rude about not having his child in the bridal party? She should absolutely be a part and you should pay for it. You are marrying her father. Would you make your FMIL pay for your own child's dress? Please treat your stepchildren as if they were your own children.

My children are all over 19 & my FSS is 21 they are all in the wedding & are covering their expenses. There was no question if our children would be in or not. We asked them and they accepted. My mother got married when my sister & i were 15 & 16 and we were her bridesmaids & my SS was the Jr bride. Kids of Bride & groom is a no brainer.... Blending families is hard but make her welcome.

I'm also sad for this girl originally being left out of the wedding, especially since you are including your bio kid. I could be way off but since you left her out but are including your biological child in wedding, the fmil could be over-compensating with all this stuff, just to make the daughter feel included or possibly that it's her day too. I don't think getting married on someone else's bday is a good idea but since you are, I'd recommend like others, to have her party before your wedding so you can separate the two events. Maybe try talking to fmil about all this as well, it just seems like she's trying to make her grandkid feel like she belongs, but she (I would hope) has to see that she's going too far because a ballgown and photographer is way too much to give her on your wedding day. Good luck. Edit* I really can't wrap my head around this. How could it have ever seemed like a good idea to have your wedding on her bday, and on top of that, not have her in your wedding. Yes it is selfish and cold.

Yes, you're being selfish. I feel sorry for your step-daughter. It's obvious that you're not keen to have her involved. FMIL is trying to soothe her feelings by buying her a pretty dress and etc.

I totally agree that your FMIL is overstepping boundaries!!!

I think it might be nice for your step daughter to be a bridesmaid (or could do jr bridesmaid if that makes you more comfortable). That being said, it's yours and FH's wedding. You seem to be honoring your future daughters birthday nicely without it being the center of attention at the wedding. There's no need to make the whole day about her. Have the officiant say (or you guys if you're writing your own vows) about how the wedding makes this date even more special because two great things will be on December 17.

So to echo what almost all have said, yes you are being selfish and are setting the tone for the rest of your relationship with this girl and your FMIL.

Good for her for sticking up for her granddaughter. Do you really believe that every guest is going to forget that they are there for the wedding if a cake is served and the photographer takes a couple pictures of her with her cake?

So for the rest of her life are you really going to make her celebrate her birthday on a different day? Because it's your anniversary you are going to want to go out, just the two of you? She can celebrate on a different day right?

Not even going to touch the whole not asking her because you are close with your nieces. Just to say they are your nieces. This is going to be your daughter.

I'm thinking you should really, really, REALLY reconsider your wedding date. If for any other reason, for this one: 360 other days, 360! You can have a Christmas wedding in June if you want. But not on any of your kids birthdays. You have got to see now that your wedding date decision needs more thought....allot more thought.