Need to know if I'm being being selfish

I agree 100% with the other posters. This seems really, really selfish. And why on earth would you have to include your nieces in order to include your future DAUGHTER in the wedding? Can you change your date?? If not, I'd definitely think about making her birthday party not a surprise and doing it the day before the wedding. But if at all possible, I'd suggest you change your wedding date.

Of note, OP mentioned that she and her FH met on 12/17. So unless they met at the birthday party of FSD at a younger age, her dad had missed that bday too. IMO you are being selfish OP and your FH is too for choosing this date with you then letting his mother pay for his child's dress. You are also prohibiting your FSD from spending her sweet 16 with her friends or her own mother (unless your FH's ex-wife is planning to come to the wedding) which is also selfish. Not to mention the fact that I imagine you will be celebrating your anniversary on her birthday for the rest of her father's life. You have set up a situation where you are going to force this child's father to choose between she and you every year on her birthday. If that's not an bad set up for a happy family relationship, I don't know what is. Either get used to sharing the attention on that date or change the date.

Everything about this reeks of intent... do you feel threatened by this girl? She's your FSD. She should be your FH's priority. Why is she being pushed aside here?

It's your wedding day. Understandable that it us her birthday, but please do not cave into mixing birthday and wedding events together. FMIL needs to have several seats.

Why aren't you paying for stepdaughter's dress. You should be looking at it as this is our children. I'm sure your FMIL was offended. You should never separate his kids.

Why on earth would you get married on your child's birthday!? Especially when it's her sweet 16! When you pick a date, you have to consider everything ALREADY happening on that date. Of course that child wants to feel special on that day, you are taking their birthday away from them for as long as your married. You are selfish from the jump, 100%

Is OP coming back??

You can say you love all the children equally and it could in fact be true. However perception is everyone else's truth. It is obvious that everyone here perceives this in the most negative light and in light of what this forum is, bride's and others supporting brides, you can bet your bottom dollar that if you aren't getting the support here, you can just imagine what everyone in your real life is thinking.

And your fmil is at the top of the list. We grandmothers will do anything within reason for our grown children but we will step in front of a bus for our grandchildren. You can say you're upset that F|MIL is doing something without asking................well she should NOT have to ask, nag or make you "cave" in to anything. concerning her grandchildren. YOU put her in this position, it's ALL on YOU. You have already sh*t in your nest with her. The only thing that will turn her around at this point is to change your date and to treat his daughter, ie her dress and every other expense (and being a responsible parent) the same as all the other children. If my dil had pulled this crap with my grandson last year, you can damn well count on one hell of a scene every day before and right up to the wedding. The whole world would have heard what I thought of my fdil every chance I got.

If I were your fmil, I'd be talking to my son every day about what kind of woman he was marrying because this is disgusting.

A birthday, especially a child's birthday, is a really sacred day. It's magical and exciting for them. It seems to me that this poor 16 year old is going to feel like her new mom is overshadowing her. So now, on her birthday is the parents anniversary and then Christmas right after. IMO on an anniversary couples like to get away and celebrate.

Well, now that won't really be a possibility because you have a daughter to celebrate too that day. I'm sorry, but i wish you would have considered your daughters feelings, I know how I would have felt as a 16 year old. Not too happy.

So my grandfather's funeral was on my birthday as a child. I don't remember what age. They threw me a small birthday party with cake and a few presents after the funeral. It was one of the best and worst birthdays I've had. So if my STEP-dad, Aunts, Uncles, and Grandma can put aside the fact their Dad/Husband was just buried to do this, you need to suck it up. You knew what day your FSD birthday was on. Its not like it changes from year to year. You can either change your date or include her on this day, making her feel like shes important to you and your future as a family. The way you speak of her shows that you don't treat the children equally. Im shocked that your FH hasn't said anything about this.

@FutureKL- I don't think OP will be coming back. Too many people giving the truth she doesn't want to hear.

What does your FH think of this? It sounds like something he should be handling. He should tell her the bridal gown is an inappropriate choice to wear at his wedding. I think a cake is fine, have the DJ play a birthday song, then it's over. Is your FMIL paying for any part of your wedding? If not, maybe just keep her out of the planning details, like don't invite her to any more dress shopping trips. Are any of the other children in the wedding party? If yes, then I think they should all be included.

Silver bells, silver bells...Santa Claus is Coming to Town...Oh, Holy Night...and someone's willing to cover the costs for one of his three kids to be in your wedding...because...yay!...December 17 rocks (and it does -- it's my birthday).

OMG...so much birthday noise on this thread. Can you dial it back, sweetheart, and behave like the parents of four kids (three of which are his and his alone)? Can you stop with the birthday girl/wedding party nonsense, because it's just ridiculous. Just deal with your wedding the way you should -- the way a mature, experienced woman would.

What's your question, anyway?

ETA: More drama, circa page 5! Nieces...more BMs...whatever. You know what to do. Skip the silly wedding party nonsense and just marry the man, for God's sakes. You can do that, right? Feed everyone else, give them a few free drinks, and nobody will give a shit about December 17, Christmas, or whatever else you're twisted up about.

Honestly, I didn't think my 16th birthday was special, but I know I'm not the norm. Talk to FSD and see what she thinks about the wedding being on her birthday. If she says it makes her uncomfortable, move the date. The last thing you want is resentment.

Honestly, you made this problem for yourself since you and FH set the wedding date for her birthday. Agree with everyone else -- you're being selfish.

I am extremely grossed out by this whole thing. Not only is it inappropriate that you planned a wedding on a milestone of a birthday but then you are choosing not to even have the birthday girl in your wedding party.

I am going to be a step mom of a beautiful young girl and she was the first person we asked to be in the wedding. In fact, if I had even mentioned to FH that I didn't want her in it we would not be getting married. I could not imagine not having such an important family member in my wedding.

This whole thing really sheds light on how you and your FH are as people and parents. It is extremely selfish of both of you and her father should know better. I feel so sad for this young lady and truly hope that your actions don't scar her for life and shame on your for making her feel anything less than important.

If I were you I would pick her up, apologize profusely, go buy her dress, and then plan for a cake on her ACTUAL birthday. You can surely carve out 15 minutes at your wedding for some singing and birthday cake.

Yikes. You sound more like the evil step mother from hell. That poor girl

How in the world could you think that scheduling your wedding on your FSD's birthday (much less her 16th birthday!) was ok? It's such an important one and the fact that you're more focused on keeping the date you and FH met doesn't show you love your FSD at all (also ew, you met on his daughter's birthday? Why wasn't he with her?). It's also your grandson's birthday if I'm reading your post correctly, so you're hijacking two birthdays! Were you not going to celebrate him either?! You say he has 3 kids and one together. You wrote "our son" will be the RB, but then you say "my son's oldest was born..." so do you have more kids or are you claiming FSS as yours but not FSD?

I don't know many adults who remember the date they met their spouses because over the course of the relationship you get new, more important firsts: engagement date, wedding date, kids' birthdays, grandkids birthdays, etc. Pick a different date or carve out time during your reception to celebrate the kids. Not sharing the spotlight, but actually stepping out of it. I'm not sure I've ever heard anything from a parent that was as selfish as your post is.

I mean, geez, I felt guilty for scheduling our wedding on my MOH's 30th birthday, but we sure as hell made sure to acknowledge it and celebrate her. What kind of person thinks their wedding is more important than their kids?

You've done literally nothing right when it comes to this situation.

Waiting for OP to come back...