Need to know if I'm being being selfish

Everyone always says you just get one day. Well you also only get one birthday. I don't think you should have picked her birthday to get married. She gets one day. Your future children gets one day. I think it's shitty of your FH to agree to that date and it's a slap in the face to her since you're planning such a big event that originally didn't even involve her.

For all the reasons listed before me, OP you are being selfish AF.

Yes. You are being selfish. This reads to me as a pissing contest. This comes from someone who just got married and gained an amazing bonus daughter. I came into this marriage with 4 children.

Had it been up to DH & myself we would've eloped. Seeing the looks on our children's faces and hearing their excitement about "our wedding" and the party that would celebrate the "official" joining of our families...$20,000+ later...our family had an amazing joining party (Reception) and DH & I had a beautiful ceremony with all 5 of our children in our parties.

I am sad for you OP. I am sad that you chose a day to overshadow your bonus daughters special day. I am sad that you seem pissy (the way it reads) about including your children. This would be different if it was just you & FH but it's not. It's a family.

I am sad that your FMIL feels it so important to acknowledge such a special time in your bonus daughters life that she is showing out on your day. But you & FH put her in this position. I know you mentioned a surprise party that you are hosting but it doesn't seem like FMIL knows about that.

Good Luck OP! Combining families is hard work. I wish you the best as you start that journey.

You know the story of Cinderella? That is what i think about when i read your post. If you do not want the rest of your guests see you as well as the evil stepmom, you need to make adjustments. She needs a cake, some time with your photographer, an amazing dress ( that you pay for) and you should share the spotlight at least for sometime with her.

Thinking back to my rebellious 16 year old self. I probably would have protested the whole thing and not attended just off principle.

Your FSD is already way more considerate than you, OP, in this situation. You should take a page from her book. She is willing to set aside her own Birthday to attend her father's wedding despite their exclusion of her. She sounds like a great kid and I don't even know her.

Why would you not have your future step daughter in your BP? Also kind of lame to plan it on her birthday but then be upset about her wanting a moment to celebrate that-especially as an adolescent...

I couldn't imagine what that girl is feeling. Sounds to me like she's used to being excluded. If she doesn't feel that way now she will soon. Every year she will feel rejected as I'm sure you will see the need to celebrate your anniversary instead of her birthday.

You are going to be her step mother, it's time for you to grow up and realize the world doesn't revolve around you. Act like a parent.

I honestly think it's pretty weird that you decided to have your wedding on her birthday. Why couldn't you do it the weekend before? I'm sorry but you are causing a lot of trouble for yourself.

As a future step daughter to my dad's amazing soon to be fiance. Yes. You are EXTREMELY SELFISH. Shall I repeat myself? You are being ridiculous and if my dad's fiance was acting like this you can be sure I would be telling my dad exactly how I felt. And I'd bet a lot of money that my dad would tell her to get an attitude adjustment or find a new husband. Hunny you need family counseling.

I think your FMIL is just trying to send you a message and you are not getting it! Ball gown, cake- she want her big birthday and I'm almost certain that she mentioned something to the grandmother (I know I would). Sweet 16 is a special birthday, so why are you ruining it for your FSD? Start the marriage right, and move the wedding date...

I really don't think getting married on her birthday is a big deal at all. It's a BIRTHDAY, and if the bride and groom wanted to get married on the 17th because it's the day they met, and Christmas is their favorite time of year let them. She is a big girl and should be happy there is a party on her birthday, (even better because she doesn't know there is another one planned! How awesome to celebrate twice! I'd have always been thrilled if I were invited to a wedding on my birthday as I have always loved getting fancy! )

Also it's the day they met, how very fabulously cool. FH and mine is 13th of October as we met the 11th and it's the nearest Saturday! I do think it is strange not having her in the bridal party originally but thats your decision. FMIL has no right to intrude though, telling her she can wear a white ballgown (Not cool, even if I were the birthday girl, I'd be like it's the bride's day). Are the bride and groom not allowed to get married on the 17th because it's her birthday? if they wanted to wait to have it on another weekend that is like 7 years. Also not fair to the bride and groom. I do think the photographer thing is a little, eh. It's also not a big deal to mention it happens to be her birthday at your wedding either and how happy you are to celebrate it with her!

Pepeto was here.

@Stephanie, most teenage girls would not be happy with their 16th birthday being used for their dad's wedding..I know as a teenager I sure as hell wouldn't have thought it was cool. She's not wanting her FSD to get fancy.. that's kind of what she's said...

Also, most parents wouldn't actually think it's cool to plan their wedding on their child's birthday.

A lot of the concern is the OP doesn't seem to talk about the FSD very nicely. She actually comes across that she's inconvenienced by it being FSD birthday, and could care less about it being the FSD Birthday... there's so much more I can say, but it's like beating a dead horse.

ETA: words lol

Maybe having it on her birthday isnt such a good idea...cause its causing her to kind of take over your day.but at the same time its her birthday so you cant be mad..she's thinking of ways to celebrate her birthday and make her day special..not a problem but it wouldn't be happening on my wedding day....my advice change the date

Okay, so there are several reasons why you're being ridiculously selfish.

First of all, the original date DH and I wanted was in September - unbeknowingly to me At the time - my MIL's birthday. We nixed that day so fast because it would've been so self-centered to take away her birthday when there were several other options. My MIL was a very difficult woman during the planning process and I know a lot stemmed from her feeling like she was losing her son. As much as I felt she was overstepping and being rude at times, I could've never taken away her birthday and rubbed salt in the wound by planning our wedding on her birthday. Now, imagine you are a 16 year old girl who already has so much going on, who doesn't seem to be treated well by her FSM, has so little that she can truly call just hers, and that gets taken away. I can't imagine how hurt she must feel. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Change the wedding date.

@Kate- I come from a large family. We had "birthday month" parties. No one got their own. I never got my very own birthday DAY until I turned 30. And my friends did it for me. Birthdays are a big deal to me, even still.

To PP - I know it was confusing to read, but OP actually said that None of the children were going to be in the wedding at all, until FMIL stirred the pot and FSD was then invited to be a BM. After that was when OP and FH asked all the other kids to participate, so no one was left out. Now, they have the ring bearer, etc.

Still think Grandma played you, though. Grandmas aren't stupid, but maybe passive aggressive.

Yep, Pepeto was here, and left. Another zombie thread?

Ok, everyone obviously needed to read the whole thing first, literally everyone.

One the wedding shouldn't have been planned on someone's birthday, that's rude and distasteful whether it's family or not. This is why, because every year your wedding anniversary is going to fall on that kids birthday, no one wants to share their birthday with another celebration, and as a mother you should be considerate about the kids.

Now the ball gown, the over bearing MIL and the birthday cake are to much, but tell everyone that. And tell everyone you have a birthday party planned for the kid.

I think it's terrible that you're having the wedding on her birthday. She's a December kid so she literally has to spend the entire month being overshadowed by the holidays and now she will have to also be overshadowed by your anniversary being on her actual birthday! That's just my opinion though

I really hope that the assumptions we are all making aren't right... but it's really not looking good.... if we are right then please seek some counseling to work through any issues you may have towards your future step daughter. My dad married a woman who was fake and acted like she cared about me but she was just manipulative and conniving and I saw through it. And I was younger than your fsd. She's not dumb and if you do have any bad feelings then I'm sure she can sense it. It was a really bad decision to make her bday your wedding day. You should REALLY consider moving your date. Put yourself in her shoes. It's wrong. This is not how you should start a life with someone and not a good foundation for your new family. I repeat, please consider counseling.