Need to know if I'm being being selfish

@A.Magill, the other 3 of our children do not live locally, so she met us to try on dresses.

@OP If you already have a party planned, just tell FMIL that.

I have to say that it's a little weird that you guys planned your wedding for her birthday. Mine is Dec 22 and my mom and step-dad were Dec 28 and that weirded me out (I was 10, so give little me a break, I obviously got over it). As a kid with so many changes going on, she may be a little hurt and feel overshadowed, like she doesn't matter. 16 is a BIG birthday for a girl (at least at the time) and that may really hurt that all of this is happening "to her" (she doesn't really get a choice) on her sweet 16. Just some devil's advocacy from her perspective.

The ball gown and the photographer are too much, and yes, I would have her birthday party before your wedding so that family doesn't bring a bunch of gifts for her to your wedding.

I do however have a real problem with the way you are talking about her, OP. You should NEVER have to "cave" to honor her as your bridal party and you sure as hell shouldn't be having someone else cover her cost. She's a 16 year old kid! As previously mentioned, she didn't choose to have her biological parents split up. She didn't choose for you and her dad to get married! I find it pretty awful that you are talking about a child this way. So what, she's not genetically related to you? She's YOUR kid now. YOU chose to marry a man with kids from a previous relationship. You knew that going in.

@Peggy, yes it is a special day. That's why we were going all out for her surprise birthday.

Popping in to say I agree with Sarah about the way you're talk about your FSD.

Yes, I do think you're being selfish, but not for the reason you think.

I think it's extremely selfish to not want your future teenage step-daughter in your wedding, especially when the other kids are (with the exception of the son, who apparently was asked and declined). You don't see how hurtful that is to your step-daughter when her siblings are in the wedding and she wasn't even asked until you were literally guilted into it? And then you're making her grandmother pay for her dress????

Very, very selfish.

And I'm in the group who also think it's selfish to have your wedding on her 16th birthday and then not want to even acknowledge it. Have her party after on another day, fine, but her actual birthday is on December 17th and that's the day that's special, but you want all the attention only on you because of all the days in the calendar year, that's the day you chose to get married. You could have chosen any other day, but you chose her birthday. No, your FMIL shouldn't get to use your photographer, but change your wedding date or accept that you need to make her feel special on that day too. Sweet 16 is a big birthday.

UO-I don't think the kid picking out a ball gown is a big deal. No one will mistake her for the bride. Let her wear what she wants and will feel comfortable in.

I cannot believe you told your future mother in law to pay for your soon to be step-daughters dress and I can't believe your FH let you. You should not have planned your wedding on her birthday, she probably thought it was cool not realizing it would be about her birthday. She's a kid. You should be planning for the attire for all of your children at the wedding. It seems to me that you should have planned to have her in your bridal party without being "guilted" into it.

She doesn't need to have a Birthday cake at YOUR wedding. You already planed to have her party a different day.

@Sarah, first off. I love all of my children.. EQUALLY. The reason I said caved is because we had already chosen how our kids would be involved and if we had her in the BP, I would have to have my two nieces that I am extremely close with.

I know I already posted it, but the cruelest thing to me is that you asked the other kids to be in the wedding, but you excluded this one. So not cool. I can't believe her father was okay with this situation. That's just terrible.

@TheBestieEstie but you don't. They aren't your children. They are your nieces and nephews. You can have a small wedding and make it clear that your kids are going to be in the wedding and no one else's. That's perfectly fine.

ETA: to say you had to "cave" to allow her in is the problem.

@Elizabeth, maybe you misunderstood me, or maybe I stated it wrong. We didn't ask any of the children be part of the wedding party until we agreed to have the bday girl as part of the wedding party.

Elizabeth just covered exactly how I feel. Yes, you are being selfish. You should have originally asked your FSD if you asked other siblings and it's weird as fuck to choose her birthday as your wedding day.

Weddings don't need to be on a special day because whatever day you are married on will be special.

I'm sorry she shouldn't be in a wedding gown and she shouldn't have photos taken of her, that's your wedding and your day. Talk to FH so he can set his mom straight

My FH's niece's birthday is the day before our wedding, and we're having a cake at the rehearsal for her. It's literally NO problem to share attention with someone also celebrating.

I also think it's telling that your oldest future stepson didn't want to be a part of this wedding.

OP- you could have avoided all of this by not getting married on this child's (milestone) birthday. I understand that you are throwing her a party, that's fine, but it doesn't entirely make up for the way you are acting, imo.

I just think it's so weird you planned your wedding for her 16th birthday. That's a huge rite of passage for a child.

These kids are going to be your step children, you need to make an effort and treat them how you would want to be treated. You keep calling her the bday girl, when she is your future step daughter.

I get you have a surprise birthday planned for her but obviously she doesn't know that!

I'd seriously consider changing the date if you can. Like maybe the 16th?

Yes you are being Selfish. This from a bride who's FH has two adult children and we have one. They should all be in the wedding and you should be paying for All of them.

@Sarah, I'm sorry but I disagree. I am extremely close with my two nieces and they would need to be in my bridal party. To say I caved might not have been the right word to use but, we had already decided how things were going to go. My daughter will feel special, I am sure of it. I love all my children. My rant was more of my FMIL demanding things from me instead of asking.