Giving a gift to "cover the cost of the meal" please explain this to me...

I've heard of the cover your plate thing and I think it's BS. You don't invite people to your wedding expecting them to 'pay their way'. You invite them because you want them to share in your special day and witness the commitment.

What I give depends on how well I know the couple and my own financial situation, not how much I think the wedding cost per head.

I actually only heard of this concept recently myself, and I'm kind of northeast (northeastern Pennsylvania). When I was originally planning my wedding, I was going to have a traditional church ceremony followed by reception, and I was talking to my mom about possible honeymoon spots. At some point she suggested using the gift money toward it and that's when she said people usually give a gift that covers the cost of the plate. She also added a disclaimer that not everyone would be able to afford that.

Personally, I've never given a strictly cash gift. I've only been to a few weddings as an adult, and I gave gifts or a combo of cash and gifts. I've also never given anyone the equivalent of $100 per person (usually I give something worth $50, unless it's someone really close) but to be honest, none of the weddings even came close to $100 per plate. Most of them were around $40 to $50. The idea of $200 per plate wedding is insane to me, but I imagine big cities are a lot more expensive than here.

I find the situation weird for 2 reasons. First, trash talking your guests and their gifts is kind of rude. If you want to do it, you should keep it between you and your husband, not tell your friends or family, because that's definitely bad manners. And you definitely shouldn't say that kind of thing straight to a guest. Second, even if it's a common practice to cover the cost of your plate, you really shouldn't expect everyone to do it because some people just can't.

I also think you shouldn't expect a stranger to give you a big wedding gift. If I invited some new people from work to my wedding, I would feel pretty good about getting a bottle of wine. It's a little odd to expect them to give you as much as a friend or family member.

I think the whole concept is weird, myself. The point of a wedding isn't to make money, it's to celebrate. Even if you're paying for your wedding yourself, you shouldn't expect your guests to pay for your wedding. If you really can't afford it, have your reception someplace affordable so that you can.

It is a celebration and I will be very grateful and thankful for whatever I receive. I invited the people that I invited to help us celebrate our special day.

I don't know where some of the Midwest people are coming from because I'm in Kansas City and I've never heard of having to cover the cost of a plate. We always assumed $50-$100 gift (never cash) depending on your relationship or whether you were plus one.

Now that we're a little older and better off financially, it goes up from there, but the cost of the plate was never a factor.

Your friend's co-worker should've kept her mouth shut - how rude! I wouldn't be surprised if the bride used her as an indirect messenger though.

Despite only knowing her for 2 weeks, I think by accepting to go to her wedding, she could've paid a tad more. I do think the region has some kind of relation. With Boston being a major city and having a higher cost of living (and higher cost of food), maybe a gift of $50 or even $75 would've been better. Having said that, if $20 is what she could only really afford, then that's that.

I've only been to two weddings before and only paid what I could at the time ($50 for one and $100 for the other). I had a plus one for both wedding. For the first one, I know I paid enough to equate to our meal. For the second one, I think it was $100 per plate, but I didn't know that, nor could I have afforded it.

I don't expect to make my money back, but given that we're only inviting 20 people, I hope I get more than a bottle of $20 wine.

I teach my children when they receive gifts they thank the person and be appreciative no matter what. If a child can do it I'm sure adults can as well.

A lot of guests will be traveling for my wedding which will cost them enough. I don't want their presents just their presence (hehe)

I can't believe that's actually a thing! It seems completely ridiculous and so rude. It's a gift, you chose to invite them surely because you love them not because you're calculating your wedding profit!

I grew up in ny hearing this and always wondered same thing- how guests supposed to know cost of plate. I had to decline couple of weddings bc I couldn't afford to go. No one ever told me pay what I can afford. It was always pay mjnimum $100 or don't go. Doesn't help either when you see weddings in movies like good fellas where guests give tons of cash to the couple.

I would consider this "common knowledge" in the Toronto area (Ontario). I always give minimum $100 each at a wedding, but typically the cost of a plate is more like $120-$150 these days so we try to compensate in the gift.

In your case however, this chick is super fucking rude.

1. You shouldn't "expect" anything as far as gifts are concerned.

2. Daddy's paying for the wedding so it doesn't matter if she "covered the cost of her plate" anyway.

3. It's one thing to be silently disappointed with a gift, but to gossip about her gift to other people and have them confront your friend to the point of embarrassment - RUDE.

The fact that this girl even invited your MOH to her wedding after knowing her for 2 weeks is ridiculous. I'm glad she moved offices and your friend doesn't have to deal with her anymore.

I'm from San Diego and had never heard of this sort of thing until last year. My best friend got married and her husband is from New York. They said There, it is customary to have an engagement party, (where guests give cash), a shower, (for actual gifts), and then also wedding gifts in the form of cash. That's three separate gifts. And, they said the wedding gift of cash is supposed to cover at least the amount per person. AND, all the guests are just supposed to find out how much through the grapevine. Very interesting. It is nothing like that in California. I think it's just a regional thing!

I heard of people expecting that, but I HIGHLY doubt it is an actual wedding "rule". IMO you invite your guests to be there to celebrate your love and support you. Yes, it's nice to receive a gift. No, it's not insulting to receive less than what you "expected" (if you expect anything to begin with). When we get married I will be extremely grateful for my guests taking their time to be there with us and celebrate. That alone is enough for me.

Plus, how would you know how much your plate cost? I usually give about $200 (I been to weddings only with FI, so we gift as a couple and that is just because we feel the couple could use a nice relaxtion shopping day or something nice to spend money on after the hectic process of planning a wedding). And to add we always are either family or in the group of close friends to the couple. So, we feel more open to open our checkbook!

The girl was rude and had no right telling her anything. I never been invited to a wedding by myself, let alone to someone I barely knew. If I did I would have probably either went off the registry or did the same and gifted a nice card with a not so much amount in a gift card (I hate picking out gifts. You can't go wrong with a gift card!) Especially if I was living in a new city by myself. You gotta think about your own finances. Can you really afford or be comfortable shelling out $100 to a person you barely know? My answer- no.

Hug your friend for me and tell her to ignore the snob. She doesn't know what she's talking about. She sounds like she's just a mean girl.

-XOXO

My dad used to say "You want to give a party but want me to pay for it???"

That being said, I always gave around $100 for the two of us. Lately JB has told me I am behind the times and we should give around $200 per couple. This is the midwest, btw.

I've gone to so many weddings in my lifetime. I am also from the Northeast. Nobody ever told me, but as I became older and realized how much a plate cost for a guest at the wedding, I do try to estimate the cost of the plate and add on $20-$25 on top of that. The last wedding I went to, once I received the invite, I researched the venue and menu and based my gift on the type of venue. For myself, I truly do not care about gifts. Like many posters wrote, I just want friends and family to be involved in our celebration for love and support and to celebrate with us our happiness. I wish I could find a tactful way to write on the invitations we don't want gifts, just their presence. I am sure there is some way I will have to look into that.

I live in Michigan and I've always heard that you give a gift amount that would cover the cost of your meal. Obviously, you don't KNOW the cost of your dinner; however, I generally give what I expect the cost would be- usually around $100.

That being said, it was EXTREMELY rude of your friends co-worker to make that comment to your MOH! And even MORE rude and tasteless for the bride to be telling people what other guests gave as gifts. Who does that? How tacky!

@jay, yes. If it was 100 per person and a family of 5 was invited, 500 would be the amount SOME would expect.

NoPurple - what if the bottle of wine was a really good bottle, or there was something special behind the meaning of it?

Anyway. We are giving what we can afford, to our friend's wedding in CT. I do not know the cost per plate and I would not expect the same for our wedding.

Yup it is kind of common ideology on the east coast, perhaps stemming from the fact that everything is so expensive here? Like for example my parents try to give more when my whole family is there vs just the two of them. Because to invite a family of 5 to a wedding is expensive! It seems this is highly regional like many other wedding traditions so I'm not sure you could blame someone from another region of the country who didn't know. Not to be rude and without the context, it looks really bad to just buy someone something for $20 for a wedding gift. People spend more than that on birthday gifts nowadays. I'm just giving some perspective on where this is all coming from.

So by following this logic, my cousin with 4 teenage kids is supposed to gift me enough money to cover 5 people plus the 2 GF's of her sons who will be invited? Yeah right, she is my MOH and barely scrapes by every month. I could very well end up helping to pay for her dress, and her daughters dress (college student at prestigious university on 100% scholarship). I don't care about that, I want them in my wedding. She can't even afford to help her kids with college on her salary, but is supposed to give me a few hundred bucks for my wedding? Oh please.

More clear evidence of entitlement.

Hold on to your checkbooks; in my area (not even IN NY, but NEAR NY), even the most modest wedding in a venue is going to be over 100, up to 250.00 per guest. The cost of going to a wedding is rising as fast as the cost of hosting one, and I know so many people that have gone to multiple weddings in a year; no matter how much they loved all these people, that's a serious dent in anyone's budget...

I think that 'cover your plate' thing comes from the same illogical thought farm as 'no white after labor day' and 'seeing each other first is bad luck". Someone's choice to have a giant, fancy, expensive dinner shouldn't have an effect on what you can logically give them as a present. And a simple, low key party at a little restaurant shouldn't make you gift them any less.

And I still want to hit that bride. Maybe if her cubicle mate knew her better, she'd have known not to go.

Growing up in NJ I always heard this and it was was expected to give a gift to cover the cost of your plate. Usually the shower gift was $50-$100 (or what you could afford) and then people would bring a card with a check of about $100 to the wedding. Equaling out to cover the cost of the invited couple.

Now I'm in NoVA and many years later in a different economy. Guess we'll see what happens!

PS. I don't expect people to cover the cost of their plate.