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GrayCatVintage
Master October 2015

Giving a gift to "cover the cost of the meal" please explain this to me...

GrayCatVintage, on May 4, 2014 at 10:10 PM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 127

My MoH moved to Boston recently. She was invited to a wedding almost immediately after starting a new job. She wanted to make friends and she is very outgoing so of course she accepted. She barely knew this girl aside from the fact that they shared a cubicle at work so she just got her a card and...

My MoH moved to Boston recently. She was invited to a wedding almost immediately after starting a new job. She wanted to make friends and she is very outgoing so of course she accepted. She barely knew this girl aside from the fact that they shared a cubicle at work so she just got her a card and like a $20 bottle of wine. Fast forward to a month after the wedding. Some other office girl made a point of stopping by her cubicle to tell her it was "so not cool" for her to only give a $20 bottle of wine when the wedding was a $200 a head affair. We are from Indiana okay - no one aside from your parents or maybe your grandparents will gift you something costing $200. Most people rarely spend over $50 unless you are close. AND since when is it not proper to be a gracious gift recipient and since when does the cost per head at a wedding dictate the monetary amount of the gift? How do you even KNOW the cost per head to base your gift value on? Someone explain this to me please lol

127 Comments

  • MissLulu
    Expert September 2016
    MissLulu ·
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    That is BS. I had never heard of the gift being enough to cover your plate until recently. I think it's absurd. You are at no obligation to even give a gift (though it's bad etiquette not to), let alone giving that much. That is just crazy.

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  • Ashleigh
    Master November 2013
    Ashleigh ·
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    I'm from NC and have never heard of this rule. Some of my guest did not give a gift at all and our highest gift ($350 check) was from my husband's former boss. I knew I would never make my money back on the wedding and I was completely fine with that. It's a wedding, not a fund raiser. We received about 25% of the cost of the wedding in money and gifts. I wasn't offended by those that did not give me a gift. Our closest guest had to travel at least an hour and most traveled for 3 hours. Them being there with us, was the best gift I could have received.

    That was so rude of the bride for discussing the gifts and completely out of line of the coworker for mentioning it.

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  • Rachel DellaPorte
    Rachel DellaPorte ·
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    It sounds like the bride was left in a better position because your friend attended and didn't decline. It's pretty obvious (given the short window between invitation and wedding) that this was an attempt to meet the minimum the couple paid to host. Had your friend declined, the bride would have had an empty seat and food she paid for that was never served. At least she received a lovely bottle of wine (which I'm sure she'll enjoy) and her money was not wasted on food that ended up in the garbage.

    Beyond that, speaking ill of gifts received is never acceptable. I feel bad for your friend. I wouldn't want to work in this type of catty environment.

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  • Annie
    VIP March 2014
    Annie ·
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    I would much rather have a $20 gift and the presence of my guest rather than someone declining the invite because they couldn't afford the gift.

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  • Abbiell
    VIP October 2013
    Abbiell ·
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    I agree that it was way out of line. While it may be expected in some places, a couple should be grateful for any gift and expect it graciously. As for when the parents are paying, I've seen here on WW, a couple of brides whose parents are paying and the couple is paying the parents back with the money they get as gifts.

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  • Katydid
    VIP May 2014
    Katydid ·
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    I read through the comments and it really just seems like everyone has arrived at the same conclusion - that it was rude to expect a cash gift "to cover the cost of the dinner." The amount that people give to weddings is the part that is different, and obviously dependent on one's financial status and region.

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  • Danielle
    Super June 2014
    Danielle ·
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    I think that if a $100/$200 per plate is putting them or their family out, they shouldn't have done that. I think that's a ridiculous amount of money to spend for food for a large group of people, let alone when they invite coworkers they barely know.

    I'm from Kentucky, and we absolutely do not spend that much on an acquaintance's wedding gift. I wouldn't even be able to accept such a huge gift from anyone who isn't family, let alone demand one.

    On that note, weddings really bring out one's true character.

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  • M
    Super 0000
    Marbles ·
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    First things first... that girl was incredibly rude to bring it up to your friend, and the bride was especially rude by telling others how much you spent on a gift.

    Second, I have heard the "cover the cost of meal" thing before. In my circle, it was always given as a guideline. If someone was truly unsure of how much an "acceptable" gift would be, I would always hear the response "Well it's always safe to just try and cover the cost of your plate. Give extra if it's an open bar". Again, I have always heard this being used as a guideline. Bottom line is you give what you can afford. And on the receiving end, you are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS grateful for WHATEVER someone gives you. Even if it IS that terrible ugly lamp from Crazy Uncle Bob. You say thank you, and be grateful they cared enough to give you a gift at all.

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  • Abby
    Expert September 2022
    Abby ·
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    I have heard that the gift should at least cover the cost of your and your date's meals but the most expensive wedding I have ever been to was under $100 per person. Usually the amount of money I give depends on my relationship with the person and I take into account the amount they are spending. Most of the weddings I have gone to were in my small hometown where everybody knows how much each venue and caterer charges so you don't have to ask anybody the cost per head.

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  • 1MrsMarlow
    Expert July 2015
    1MrsMarlow ·
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    I have never heard of giving a gift or cash to cover your dinner. You might as well charge at the door. I would prefer to know that I need to pay for a $200 dinner before I RSVP to a wedding. We're not looking for any gifts or cash, just the company of our family and friends sharing our day. They can bring all the love they have.......

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  • rusticbride
    Master May 2014
    rusticbride ·
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    This is such a dumb concept to me. If you can't afford your wedding, then don't expect your guests to pony up the dough to "pay you back." That's so stupid. Don't have a wedding that you can't afford, and don't expect your guests to foot your bill.

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  • Jeleebeenz
    VIP September 2015
    Jeleebeenz ·
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    I never heard of this until I started reading forums quite some time ago. I like what Miss Manners has to say about it:

    Dear Miss Manners,

    This topic has recently come up and is causing much debate among friends. Please settle this for us. Is there a "proper" amount for a wedding gift? I have heard more and more people say that their gift must cover the cost of their dinner. Is this not just "paying admission" for attending the affair? My 25-year-old daughter (who has just recently gotten a job) is beginning to be invited to weddings of peers, and cannot afford to cover the cost of her meal.

    Gentle Reader,

    That this idea is widespread does not rescue it from being astonishingly vulgar and crass, for exactly the reasons you mention.

    Etiquette recognizes no such rule, Miss Manners assures you. It assumes, perhaps naively, that wedding guests are invited solely because their attending has emotional value, and that wedding presents are selected by the guests from within their particular financial means, solely to please the recipients.

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  • Katie
    Dedicated September 2014
    Katie ·
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    What the.... I have never heard of such a thing. This is absolutely ridiculous! You might as well charge your guests $150 at the door for showing up to your wedding. What a joke! Since when did getting married become your guests' financial obligation? Seriously, some people need to get their heads out of their asses. Maybe it's because I am a small town girl, but even couples that can afford to have an extravagant wedding should not EXPECT anything out of their guests. This just blows my mind.. a $20 bottle of wine would be graciously accepted as a gift at my wedding, let alone any gift at all. I am glad I don't live in a big city with this kind of mentality.. that's all I have to say!

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  • Ketusha
    Dedicated October 2014
    Ketusha ·
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    I am from NYC and yes this is very common here and not only for weddings. Usually we cover our cost of the plate. $100 is bare minimum for the wedding, however if someones wedding was $250 pp I would not give more then $150 per person. Our wedding is costing close to $170 per person but I am not expecting people to give that amount.

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  • winnipegwriter
    Master September 2015
    winnipegwriter ·
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    That chick is hella rude. Gifts of any kind shouldn't be expected.

    However, that said, here in Manitoba, we usually do cover the cost of the plate (whether intentionally or unintentionally). I always give at least $100 at a wedding (FH also gives at least $100) -- usually it's more like $300-$400 for the two of us and we are by no means wealthy. Most people give a decent amount of cash here.

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  • The Future Mrs. Gierman
    Super August 2014
    The Future Mrs. Gierman ·
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    Wow.. I invited people to our wedding because we love them and they support us. If this is the new rule, I want them to hold on to their money until after the reception is over. Then based on the meal, the booze, and how the evening turned out for them, then can tally my present.. wtf. I'm from Chicago and we were raised you gave a gift based on A) How well you knew the couple B) What they had given to you (I dont always agree with this) and finally C) What you can afford. I would rather have 100 people at my wedding that love me than 10 people just because they can afford it. I didnt make my guest list with the intention of my guests paying for my party. Why would anyone possibly spend more than they can afford in hopes they might get it back? Also I am assuming that my Canadian relatives will not give us a gift. They are sweet enough to buy airfare, take time off from work and travel to be with us. What happened to just saying thank you and appreciating what you get?!?

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  • Koch Bride
    Master September 2014
    Koch Bride ·
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    Its pretty normal in my family circle for people to give gifts with the idea of "covering the plates" in mind, however not at all expected by us. Do I know some people will spoil us? Yes. Do I know some people will just show up? Sure. I don't really care, its not the reason for having the wedding. Our wedding will be fully paid for and all wedding gifts will be used towards a down payment on our home.

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  • KTSmom
    Expert February 2015
    KTSmom ·
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    Yes, that coworker was rude. I think we all agree on that.

    As for the rest, where I live it is very hard to have a wedding reception for less than $100. per person with an open bar. And I believe that it's not a rule, not a law, just a guideline on how much to give as a wedding gift. Like someone else said, I look at the venue. Is it a church hall, a firehouse, a country club on the lake? How well do I know them and how much can I afford to give them? That all factors into my decision. Also, I don't think I've been to a wedding in over 20 years where anyone got gifts, they all get cards with money. Gifts and registries are used for the bridal shower. I'm finding out how really different weddings are across the country.

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  • Soon to be Mrs. Lightfoot
    Expert October 2014
    Soon to be Mrs. Lightfoot ·
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    I'm from South Texas and I have never even heard of this until WW. A lot of people don't even bring a gift and I am totally not offended by it. I don't know if its a Texas things or what? But mainly people bring a gift not cash.

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  • Maureen
    Devoted October 2026
    Maureen ·
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    I live in NY and have always heard "dont worry, you'll make ur money bk at the wedding". so when u keep hearing that and see weddings in movies ajnd tv where couples get tons of cash

    and gifts, it works on ur mind and u hope for the same esp when u go to weddings and see families generously giving $. with that said i know i wont come close to making my $ back. ive thrown parties before and not expected friends to pay, so i have to have same mentality with a wedding. wedding is a party, a grand together. instead of celebrating a bday party or anniversary, ur celbrating a marriage.

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