Giving a gift to "cover the cost of the meal" please explain this to me...

WOW! **BLINKING** deer in headlights look!

It is certainly a common "expectation" in many larger cities to cover the cost of your plate and it IS the case in my family circle (and I'm originally from Toronto, Canada where my relatives still live, so you cannot generalize an entire country). It is NOT an etiquette "rule" though! Someone made this up at some point, and it has stuck. I find it ridiculous. You should not be using guests to make money or to pay for the cost of the reception. All gifts should be accepted graciously. Guests should give what they want to give and what they can afford.

I typically give money for the wedding (between $250-$400 from me and FH depending on relationship to the couple) and a gift for the shower. What I give has nothing to do with cost per plate.

I am still thinking about this- it has really irked me! I bet the coworker/friend of the bride told this to CatGrayVintages' MOH because obviously the bride was complaining about it and may have asked the coworker to say something. Doesn't matter if the dinner cost $100 or $200 a head- having an expensive wedding does not mean you have class.

Whether it is the norm to cover your plate shouldn't matter, this new trend of voicing your disapproval of a gift is absolutely disgusting. Be gracious, and keep your mouth shut!

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, If I'm attending a wedding alone I would give $100, $150 if Darrin and I are going together. Not only was the co worker who confronted your friend acting so rude, but so was the bride, complaining to mutual friends! Rude!

Yeah, it sounds like the bride was complaining to the co-worker about the wine gift - totally out of line and RUDE of the bride. Your friend should not take her to lunch at all. And the co-worker that actually had the nerve to criticize the gift needs to be smacked!! That is so wrong.

We've had a few people call FMIL to ask for estimates of how much they should spend/provide as a gift. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. If I was in this for the money I would have just had a courthouse wedding, no way would I expect people to cover what we've spent.

How about I just stand at the front door with a sack and have my guests deposit their wallets and valuables in it as they walk in.....

Also, to me, covering the cost of your plate means giving $100 or more if you choose...It does not mean having to give $400 because they had a wedding they couldn't afford.

I'm from CT and yes it kind of is the norm to cover the cost of your plate, but you don't ask how much someone is spending, around $100 is pretty standard per plate here, but you can tell by the venue, if it's a really nice, swanky place then it's more then $100 but I've always been told to cover the cost of your plate if you can, if not just give what you can and it's basically you give gifts at the shower and money in a card at the wedding, I have never been to a wedding where actual gifts were given at the wedding.

It's defiantly a east cost thing. Every wedding I have gone to u give minimum 100 per to cover ur plate

That is exactly it Dloves. Why do you deserve MORE money from me simply because you CHOSE to have a more lavish / expensive wedding. If you are paying $250 per plate, that is your choice. It does not mean that I am required to pay for your lavish choices.

And in some cases, the parents pay for the wedding! So why does the couple "deserve" more money when they didn't even spend any? It is all just gross.

Your co worker needs to mind her business. Also, I think it's ridiculous that guests should cover the cost of their food. Guests can give you a gift if they want...it's not expected. If they can afford to just give a nice card...so be it. It's not bad ettiquette to not cover the cost of your plate.

Ift he gift should be the cost of the plate, shouldn't i write the check to the parents? Sorry.. Screw that. Its a gift, all are appreciated.

I really like the 'give as you are moved and able'-- I think that sums it up, perfectly. Sadly, just as people now find it OK to ask for cash (money dance/honeyfund, 'no boxed gifts', etc) many couples now have the ridiculous idea that guests should give a gift to cover the cost of hosting them.

That's crazy. I'll be the first in my my family not having my reception in the church social hall and that is just because my social hall doesn't hold enough people (big families). So there is no way ppl could estimate their price per plate based off venue. And if someone asked me, I'd be confused about why they were asking!

What a rude bitch! I can't believe she would talk to your friend like that. People are unbelievable!!

I don't think it matters where you're from - saying someone is rude for not giving you the gift you expected is what's really rude! A gift is a gift and the recipient of said gift should be thankful they got anything at all!

FH told me we should expect people to give us a gift to cover the cost of the meal...I was floored. I had never heard that before.

Well see, that is what I thought. If the parents are paying, which is a massive gift to the couple to begin with, then anything they will receive from the guests is just gravy money. I fail to see the logic in believing that since your dad just dropped $20k on your wedding that you should receive $20k in cash at your wedding in the form of gifts...I don't know.

This is definitely now how things work in the South East. I guess we're more south than east here because cash gifts are not as common (especially among older guests). When people my parent's age were married cash gifts were hardly ever given. Now they're getting more common, but not at all expected and certainly not scaled to match the cost per person. I am so sorry this happened to your MOH. I would have been mortified. I think the gift she took (considering the relationship she had the with the bride) was PERFECTLY acceptable.

Sounds like the bride was just being greedy. that sucks your friend was put in that situation.

Ok so correct me if I'm wrong. So let's say its a $100 plate wedding. So a family of five would be expected to give a $500 gift?

This has to be by far...the crappiest thing I have ever heard. Seriously. If you want people to cover the price of their plate at your wedding, then you had better be up front about it and expect people not to show up.

Sheeish! This is BEYOND offensive. Turning your wedding into a "I gave this to you...so you must do equal or better for me" ... this is totally why I also hate most holidays. This idea of obligation when it comes to gifts.

If a gift is an obligation..it is no longer a gift.

I am very sorry for your friend =( ...but glad she has not had to talk to her since they moved the girls office. Ugh.