Candace Cameron Bure /submissive wife

I read this a few days ago, and when I saw the headline, I was like, "WTF? No!" After reading it though, I totally get what she says. My opinions, however? I agree with her...in my current relationship. I have no problem doing this with FH, BUT he's a good man, he has his head on straight, and he takes care of things. He puts family first, wants to know my thoughts and feelings on things, and takes everything into consideration.

In my first marriage, this was impossible. He was weak, he was abusive, and he didn't listen. He didn't care what happened, as long as he got what he wanted.

To have the kind of relationship and "submissiveness" she speaks of, requires there to already be a strong, healthy, happy relationship in place, made up of two happy, healthy individuals who truly love and respect each other.

@Kate: Just read that last post of yours, and I totally get what you're talking about. There have been soooo many things that FH and I have discussed, and I've changed my mind about, or he has, because the other didn't like whatever it was. It wasn't a matter of "convincing" the other person. It was the fact that an opinoin was expressed, so whichever of us it was at the time felt exactly what you described: If they don't like it, why would I do it anyway?

You cannot always 100% make decisions together. You are two different people who have two different ideas/thoughts/beliefs. It's about having respect for the other person's opinion and knowing they also respect your decision,even if they don't always agree.

Submissive is definitely an incorrect word - I also dont believe that in the traditional marriage vows it should say that I will "obey" my husband.

I think that in any relationship there is a working dynamic - someone takes a bit more of a lead on certain things (typically based on knowledge of the subject) and visa versa

Neither my FH nor I are "submissive" to one another - nor do we "obey" each other - we have a mutual respect for one another and our decisions are 99.9% mutual.

I would never be submissive to a man - it leads to bad things, very bad things. I know from experience - the moment I let my ex run my life, I was torn apart, broken down and beaten to a person that I no longer recognized. I let him ruin me, my spirit and my life.

I got my independence back and since then I have been 100% better off. My FH respects my abiltiy to fight for what I want and what I think is right.

No submissiveness or "assigned roles" in my family.

Alot of the people who agree that a man should be the head of the house it is because of biblical reasons. If you are not a Christian or don't believe in God, you wont understand/agree with it.

Nel took the words right out of my mouth: "I do believe that people naturally fall into roles, however I don't think that these are set in stone. If I'm more experienced/naturally better at something then I usually make the final decision, if FH is naturally better at something then he will make the final decision. BUT, and this is a big but, we always ask each others opinion, and that opinion is always taken into account. Like Ab said above, it's about compromise and equality, not submission."

One of the things that FH told me he loves about me is that I'm not meek or weak...that I'm independent and have enough strength to push back when I feel it's necessary.

I think this all really depends on the dynamics of your relationship.

I think she's a moron. But if that's her thing, no skin off my nose.

FH & I are a team. We're equal partners. Period.

Yes, there are things that I feel more comfortable making decisions about (like saving money), and there are things that he feels more comfortable making decisions about (upkeep of the house). But we don't "submit" to one another. We discuss, we compromise, we respect one another. I would never be okay with letting him have "the last word" merely because he's the man, even though I do trust that he would have our best interest as a couple at heart. If that honestly, truly works for you, okay. But there is a history in many religions of subjugating and oppressing women, so I think any use of Biblical text or religious teachings should be critically looked at.

And I agree with Erin 100%: even if you *do* believe that there has to be one leader, why a man? I am naturally more "dominant" and assertive than FH, so shouldn't I be the leader? Why in the world should I automatically be kicked out of that role because of my lady parts?

@Erin: At least in my relationship, FH has that role because it's where we both want him to be. I have no problem with him taking on the "leadership" role of the relationship, because I trust him and his decisions. It doesn't mean that his word is law, it simply means that he is more of the assertive force of our relationship, and I'm 100% happy with that. Another thing is that, in many cases, forcing a man into a submissive role, especially if they are not happy to take it on, can make them feel emasculated, which can lead to relationship issues, depression, and other problems. I'm not saying that the man absolutely HAS to be the leader of a relationship, however there will ALWAYS be one partner or the other who has a stronger opinion/personality than the other, and this person will always be the "leader" of the relationship. Whether or not that causes problems depends solely on how the two in the relationship handle things between them.

Lets just clarify:

Submission: the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

Submissiveness: the quality of being submissive

Meekness: the fact or condition of being meek; submissiveness.

Weakness: the state or condition of lacking strength

No matter which way you try and explain submissive - meekness, weakness whatever you want to use...it comes down to the above.

Submissive is giving in to a higher, more superior force - I dont think my FH is superior to me...I think we are equals with things each of us excel at therefore balancing us out to equals.

I think if I remained in my role as a submissive - I would 100% be dead right now. I would have been killed by the dominant man in the relationship.

So, no submissiveness is not for everyone ... especially me

My mom used to tell my dad that she'd start submitting to him the day he started loving her like Christ loved the church. IMO they are both pretty unrealistic expectations.

@Samantha - FWIW, to us that means that he loves me unconditionally and would die in my place if he had to. that's not really unrealistic to us to be honest

ETA: again, our relationship is our relationship. i'm not judging anyone else's and FutureMrsP I understand why the phrasing is especially sensitive to you. no one should have to go through that :-(

I only read the first page of comments but I agree with Jessie's Girl, Tatiana and Paris, like Jessie's Girl, I know that in my first marriage, we had issues because we both wanted to control everything. There has to be some give and take in a relationship.

Being a strong partner (as opposed to saying a strong woman or wife, it's everyone) means being able to let go of somethings. It doesn't make you weak to submit to your partner's request. You just need to know what you feel strongly about and communicate with your partner. I think that with respect, "submitting" to your partner isn't about blindly giving in, but rather accepting compromise when needed and letting go of things that don't really matter.

Winnipeg asked if we can justify our beliefs without religion involved... but it doesn't work that way because I believe this is the way GOD designed my marriage to be. It's not because I am just floating along all accidental like and just decide to let my husband be the head of the household because I am too "weak" to do so. In fact, that is not it at all. I am strong enough to know where I am strong and where I am weak. I believe that God did not design women to lead a household or a family. I believe that because I've lived it. I've tried. It doesn't work. The man is the one God designed to bear the burden and the hardships. It is my job as his wife to give him confidence, support him, be his backbone. For without me, my husband cannot lead. So it is a partnership of equal portions. We just have different roles. Just as the car cannot run without gas, oil, engine, etc. It is all equal parts that all have to work together.

Jesse's Girl, the woman leading the household didn't work *for you*.

That doesn't mean that it won't work for other couples.

Jesse - just a question - and it is truly just a question from someone who is as non-religious as a person can get - I dont

Do you take everything in the bible 100% seriously or do you just take those principals you believe are correct and follow those?

I know many people who claim to follow the way of God and go out and do something that is so against the teachings of the bible that one might find it humorous.

I can't tell you a non religious reason either, because that isn't my perspective, but my reason for it having to be the man if there has to be one leader is because Christ leads the church, the church doesn't lead Christ

Kate and Ashley have said it wonderfully.

I get where people are coming from when they don't agree. I grew up seeing my dad treat my mom like crap. My mom was NOT submissive, she'd give him crap back, but she's stayed with him all these years and that I DO NOT agree with. Seeing that over the last 24 years, I have said I would NEVER put up with that.

My FH is a Christian and when I met him I started to learn more about Christianity, read the bible, did studies, etc., and now it makes sense to me. When I first learned about this submissive thing I was like hell NO. No man will ever tell me what to do. But that's not it in any way. It's not. You won't fully understand this unless you understand the faith, the reasoning, etc. My FH never tells me what to do, in fact I'm a bit more bossy than he is, but when it comes to our family & household, he will have the final say. I will leave it in his hands to make the best decisions for our family. And he will love me with

Has because that's just what is going to work for us.

Some of you ladies are probably already practicing this, without realizing it. I don't think it makes a woman weak, I just think she understands how their marriage is going to work best.

If it doesn't work for you, that's fine, but there is no need to tell someone it's stupid. Just go on with your day, because in the end it's their marriage, not yours and their marriage doesn't affect yours.

I also really don't like the word 'submissive' - it reminds me of the times when women were considered lower beings than men. As in the man is better, therefore he has the final word or his decision is more important than yours. I'd like to think we've moved past all that.

I sometimes think (and this is not aimed at anyone) that some people think that not being submissive means that you are a headstrong bi@tch or a control freak who always has to have her way (yep, I've met a few people who seem to think that that's what 'independent' means). It doesn't have to be all or nothing.