"By excluding our children, you have chosen to exclude us"...

@Karen M that is brilliant!!

I can't believe how many people are siding w the stepsister. it is JZ and her fiancé'swedding. It is not about what iis most convenient for each and every guest. Nor should it be. JZ shouldn't be bullied by her wicked step-sister into shelling out an additional $400 for her wedding bc it is what is most convenient for her stepsister. Next you will want her to pay their travel expenses too.

My two cents:

You never have to explain why children in your immediate family can attend and others cannot (it's a given). While your response to her is lovely and very well written. It really should not be difficult to explain the exception to others (if need be).

Your sister (or step-sister) should feel completely comfortable with being completely blunt with you about her feelings about absolutely anything (but especially feelings about excluding her kids). Her words are, indeed, hurtful but they are true for her and representative of her hurt feelings. If a woman can't be up front with her sister, of all people, then who can she be up front with?

Also, it's just considerate to allow out-of-town guests to bring their children. And I like the idea of having them at the ceremony and then sending them off to the babysitter with the little ones in your wedding party; it's a nice compromise.

This could make or break your relationship with her. All the best to both of you

If allowing kids at a wedding could make or break a relationship then id be cool with the relationship being over. Of all the petty things. We didn't invite kids to our wedding. Nobody died.

IMO if it was that big of a deal to her, at the very least she could have picked up the phone and called you. Writing a letter is ridiculous.

I think your wedding sounds fabulous. I don't understand why she would want to bring kids to that type of setting. People are crazy.

I actually dont see where the letter was rude. maybe thats just me. but she said sorry they wont be there. and she said her kids were looking forward to it.my girls love weddings and have for years. they like dancing and getting pictures taken and all that stuff. its not like going to a bar. its a celebration of something to me family should be there. but in your case where the receptionismaybe you can have different food (like a pizza or something) for the nieces and nephews. I dont think its worth losing family over 1 day.

Unfortunately it's really par for the course with adult only weddings. Some people get really defensive about their precious perfectly behaved angels..She does have a right to be upset, you kinda have to expect it in this situation..But the whole guilt trip part was totally unnecessary lol. I did invite children to my wedding but we only had like 9 there so it wasn't a big deal; plus they left early.

I don't have kids but I do think I'd be uncomfortable being so far away from them..what if there was some sort of emergency?

Wow I'm probably going to get railed here but I disagree. I think immediate children of siblings should be an exception but everyone's entitled to what they want. I also wanted a "mostly adult" wedding but my brother has two kids 11 and 9 and they are both coming and also in the wedding. I can't imagine telling my brother my niece and nephew can't come. He probably would have declined to come also. She's obviously hurt thus the letter and the kids are hurt too. I extended any immediate family with small children that they could come so the max possible kids would have been about 8 and I would have had a kids table if that were the case. Luckily I'm having a late wedding (7:00) so most decided to not bring the smaller ones. My cousin who is also the photographer is also bringing her children 8 and 10 so there will be four total and at least they will have playmates. Guess it's up to you but I can understand while they're hurt. And I don't think she was nasty, she's your sister so she can be blunt.

I just don't understand why people get so upset about this, decline if you don't want to go without your children. People don't throw fits when their children aren't invited to other adult parties that aren't weddings. Some birthday parties are family events, some are adult only. Period.

The letter you wrote back is perfect. I wouldn't let it affect you at all I mean I'm sure you knew people wouldn't agree because that's how it is with no children being invited, and it's your wedding they have to respect your decision period. I would just brush it off and send her your response.

I might get alot of heat on this. But i have to agree with your sister. I honestly couldnt have said it better. Family is family. I too am having an all adult reception butttt i am inviting my immediate familys young children. Tbh its two kids, your only niece and nephew really?? Come on its true how would you feel if you were not invited to your sisters wedding. And also shes traveling across the continent, i would not feel safe leaving my kids behind. Im sorry but i feel like your wrong. You should invite them i dont care how much hate ill get. But im a firm believer in my family comes first. Good luck

But I think the point is not whether or not her step-sister felt hurt. The point is that she didn't really react to it well. If I was in OP's shoes, if my step-sister had called me and talked to me, I would have told her HER kids were an exception. But writing a passive-aggressive borderline-biotchy letter was not the mature way to respond. If you have a heart to heart talk and THEN feel like your sister let you down, maybe a letter is appropriate, but pick up a phone, people! Talk first, THEN be upset.

I think the sister was way rude. Like JZ said, her FH also has young nephews and nieces and if they don't get to come I don't see why her nephew and niece should be allowed. Some events are just not for kids. I don't think the stepsister should guilt OP by saying the kids really wanted to go. As a parent, it's her job to find the right way to explain it to the children, not just blame her sister.

My opinion is your step sister is rude. I also do not understand why people are siding with her.

....Here is the bottom line, and its my opinion you can hate it or like it. Since it is your wedding (and this goes for anyone paying for their own wedding) and you are paying for it, then you get to choose who may or may not be allowed to be at said wedding.

....The day I spend money on an event and someone tells me who I can and cannot invite (since I am paying for it) it will not be a good day....for that person.

I'm sorry they feel that way.

oh well

I have kids and think people like them are ridiculous - if you want my 2 cents :-)

Do you know how many times I was not invited to family weddings as a child? My parents still went without us and we were fine (we live in NJ and my entire family is in NY). I can't believe that your SIL and Brother cannot leave their kids with someone they know. Do they have friends of their own they trust? Do the kids have friends they can stay with for the weekend? This is ridiculous! Stand your ground. Your response is perfect. Let the onus lay on them for not coming. No means NO!

This is your wedding, your dime, and you don't have to put up with passive aggressive behavior from your relatives. I'm sure they do other things without their kids, and their expectation that someone else's plans for their wedding should be altered to accommodate them and their kids is self centered and rude.

Sweetly tell them you'll miss them and move on.

Wow... I understand their stand point for a split second before I just blow them off entirely for this awful response. It was your choice to have children and that means there are certain things you cannot always do. You did what is etiquette wise appropriate by only including the parent's names on the invitation, and you didn't blatantly write on your invitation "No Kid's Allowed" in some variation, and they're still upset with you. I like your response, and after that, I'd just forget that note ever even happened. From what it sounds like, there are plenty of parents in that exact situation on your Guest List, and they haven't made a big fuss about it.

She needs to take a chill pill! Let it roll off your shoulder like water. If she is going to be that snotty you don't need her at YOUR wedding anyways. She would just be a party pooper and no fun to be around. Instead of thinking of it as such a horrid thing, she should of saw a positive, like a nice little get away for her and her hubby, Well whatever! It's your wedding forget her and have FUN!!

I thank you all for your posts. Seems we all have strong opinions!

We feel we definitely made the right decision based on the following facts:

*Its at a rooftop lounge, not a traditional ballroom.

*Its not a sit down dinner, rather a gourmet 6-course petitie entrees meal (served at 8pm)

*We can't "simply" make an exception as it will offend the other parents of our neices and nephews who are ALSO flying in from out of town

*There is no child menu ($200 per plate is a bit much for a child)

*No one should dictate to another whom your their guest list should be

*After that letter, I am certainly turned off by the disprespect

*We replied with a respecftul response

*We (My FH and I) are hosting our own wedding, therefor.... (you know the rest)

^^ I agree with all of your reasoning and logic!

Your reasoning is appropriate and they can get over it.