If you’re recently engaged and dealing with stress over your wedding, you’re far from alone. Planning is a lot of work, not to mention the relationship fights that can arise over satisfying both sides of the family and ensuring that everything happens in time for the main event. So, if you and your partner are fighting more often than normal, don’t worry too much over it. Experts agree that it’s not only normal to argue over the countless nitty-gritty details involved in planning your big day, but it’s expected.
Audrey Hope, celebrity relationship in Los Angeles, California, has seen her share of I’ve had many sessions with couples right before the big day. “The energy heats up before you take vows and make a huge life commitment, so the time is very fragile and vulnerable,” she explains.
The good news is that this, too shall pass, as they say. Of course, fights and arguments will continue to be a part of your relationship as a married couple (just wait until diapers and daycare dropoffs are in the picture!), but what feels like this intense period of drama involving the wedding will fade and all you’ll be left to remember is the beautiful day that was so special to you and your loved one.
In the meantime, don’t be surprised if you and your partner get into some of these relationship fights in the months leading up to your big day.
Research shows that money, more than anything else, including chores, children and work responsibilities, is the hottest topic for relationship fights—and engaged folks are certainly no exception. In fact, this is the time in your life, aside from perhaps when you purchase your first home, when you’ll be spending the most amount of money—so there’s even more to fight about. But this is a good thing, according to renowned divorce attorney, relationship expert and author of The Pre-Marital Planner, Vikki Ziegler. “Every couple should argue over money—how they save or spend, how much they want to earn, what type of house they want to buy, how much to invest, whether they should buy life insurance or long term health care, etc.” she says.
If you and your partner already live together, chances are you’ve had these relationship fights—the ones over the irritating little things. “Whether it’s how he leaves his socks around all the time and expects you to pick them up as if you’re playing the role of the maid or how you leave hair in the shower drain, these are important issues to iron out,” Hope says. “If they’re bothering you, these little issues will expand and only become greater if they’re not dealt with while they’re still petty problems.”
Planning a wedding is a balancing act and one that involves not only you and your partner, but your friends and family. Whether it’s an argument over how many people should be invited from each side or who will pay for the DJ and the florist, you can expect at least a few fights to arise over the wedding itself. “As long as you tell your partner how you feel and communicate respectfully, the fighting will fade as your wedding date draws near,” says Ziegler.
Even though the two of you are coming together to become one family, during the engagement period, you’re still each a part of your own family. This means his relatives might get on your nerves and yours might get on his—it’s inevitably going to happen at some point. “Be gentle and kind about it, but don’t hold it in, or the family matters might meet you right on wedding day and ruin your wedding!” urges Hope. Instead, be brave and discuss your honest feelings. “If his or her mom is condescending and mean, tell them—gently.”
Especially if you have bridesmaids and groomsmen who have to cooperate in order for your wedding day to go smoothly, you better believe that at some point one or several of them might cause some relationship fights between you and your S.O. “If either of you have friends that annoy, or who are rude and inappropriate, then you need to state your case without asking for the other’s opinion,” advises Hope. “This is your truth and it must be stated and handled so there is no fuzziness over any bad treatment from friends.”
When there’s so much being demanded from both of you for the sake of the wedding going smoothly, it’s no surprise if it makes your work life more hectic. For example, one or both of you might have to stay late a few nights to make up for the days you had to take off to go visit with wedding vendors. Ziegler recommends discussing the boundaries of your work path along with your terms so that you both understand your feelings and the needs surrounding your schedules. “Fight about why you want to be with the person, not because they have to work, which will make it easier for the hard working partner to want to come home and not stay even later at work.”