Wasn't up to posting a BAM, and this is why....Update Pg 12

Slow clap for Rachel! She said it better than I ever could.

Money is such a stressor on relationships and though FH and I are young enough not to have too many debts I've been watching the effect it has on my parents. Make sure you get your finances and mortgage in check and then get to a counselor who can help. Did your husband ever experience financial issues growing up? Trust me that can mess with people's financial reasoning and a counselor may be able to help you get to the bottom of his reasoning and how to approach future finances

Wow. What a whirlwind of a thread. I manage all the money for FH and I, but I couldn't imagine dealing with an 8-month, clearly well-thought-out lie (confirmation numbers? really?). I hope you can find happiness again, OP, but I don't think it can be with this man.

So sorry OP! Keep us updated on what you find, only you can make the final call but I definitely would talk to a counselor and a lawyer before deciding either way.

There is entirely too much lying in his story to make any sense out of what he did.

I've read through most comments but not all.. when FH and I first started dating he was driving his parents car to get his younger brother from school. The roads were icy and was involved in a car accident that was his fault. (He rear ended a car who rear ended another one) FH family hadn't been paying their insurance (not sure about other states but in CO insurance is mandatory) from March of 2014 and the accident was in Nov. the car FH hit had insurance and we dealt with them so that's over with but the second car that was rear ended didn't have insurance and they sued us for 1.5 MILLION$. We've paid nearly 30K in lawyers, PI's, medical experts since April of 2016, they didn't win and settled for 3,500$ lol.. anyway, I have absolutely NO trust for FFIL whatsoever because he told FH that the car had insurance just the insurance card in the glove box was expired but the insurance was active. FMIL&FFIL have not paid a penny to help us. 100% us. FMIL claims that she didn't know the insurance wasn't getting paid, I asked her where she thought the extra money was coming from and she told me that she have a job so she didn't pay attention to finances. (FFIL is in the Air Force, FMIL has always been a stay at home Mom). I will never have trust or respect for them because of that. That showed me how much I love FH and because if we could get through that, there's nothing standing in our way. FH and I budget together, I pay all of the bills (joint accounts) because I always remember due dates and stuff a little bit better (FH always works more than I do) but we do retain every "invoice" or receipt we get if we pay online. Honestly this would be an end all be all for me. Not paying a mortgage can make you homeless, Negatively impact your credit for the rest of your life. This is very, very serious business. First, I would hope the 8-16K (depending on your mortgage) is still in your account and pay that ASAP.

Yes, I think the bigger issue even than the mortgage payments (which are huge) is where the money went instead. It went somewhere that he is still not telling you about. That's more concerning to me. Echo Lillybean, there is something huge going on here. I don't think I would end the relationship because of the financial issue, but I would require him to participate in counseling. Whatever he actually spent the money on though could be marriage ending.

I'm so sorry OP!

Yea I pay all of our bills so he has to put the money in my hand lol I don't trust men to stay on track with bills lol sorry this happened to you

Wow! Im so sorry!! This is terrible... I would be packing my bags and getting the hell out of there.

Elphaba - our ex's are similar creatures. It's scary.

This week alone my daughter has mentioned how shitty her father is with money. She's 12.

Even if the wedding expenses were getting out of hand... You do not lie for 8 months and say you're paying the mortgage. You say "oh shit fiance, we don't have enough to pay the mortgage this month bc we spent $600 on a wedding deposit and we also spent $400 eating out every weekend. We need to cut back until the wedding is over."

Wtf...

I'm just reading and reading this waiting for a answer. Again I'm so sorry and want to see a good outcome for you

There's too many details that are still missing to have any idea what the right call is here. What is definite is that he should have come to you about this immediately. What isn't clear is where the money went. Did he lose his job and was ashamed to tell you? While he still should've told you, that's definitely not the worst of the possibilities and could *maybe* be worked through in therapy. If it's any of the other possibilities (gambling, addiction, etc.), I'm not sure I'd be able to work through it.

I do agree with PP that saying he had confirmation numbers is a calculated lie, and does not bode well if you decide to try to move forward together.

Sage- Please come back with an update of how last nights conversation goes. A lot of us are invested in figuring out what happened here. Hope you're doing ok.

I'm also happy you came to the community for support. I'm sure you've read a lot of things that you really didnt want to hear. THe fact you listened and plan to take action (hopefully you did) says a lot.

SageTree, I'm so sorry you're going through this :-( I read all of your updates and all of the comments on here. There isn't much more I can add that wasn't said. I just wanted to echo that you should NOT blame yourself for this. You trusted your spouse, the person you trusted for months (years?) and planned to spend your life with. You are both adults and we assume adults take care of responsibilities that they say they will. This is not your fault, at all, for not "following up" on what he said he would do.

It's baffling that there doesn't appear to be any obvious transactions or withdrawals, that the money is just "missing". I'm wondering the same as others... Has he really had a job? Have both of your paychecks been the same? Have both of your paychecks *actually* been deposited into the account over those eight months? Does he get a paper check (as opposed to direct deposit) and would cash that and spend the money? If all of that was happening as normal, the only thing I can think of is that yes, unfortunately wedding planning and spending (and/or perhaps other life spending/splurging) got way out of hand and there in fact wasn't enough money for bills and expenses. None of that excuses the clear cut deception and lies. Even if he lied to "protect" you and didn't want you to get upset knowing you didn't have enough money to cover expenses, it ended up doing the opposite and put you in danger.

Were you able to have a conversation with him last night and go over the account and transactions? Did you get any answers as to where exactly the money was going and if/what he spent it on? I hope you got some answers. I strongly urge you both to go to counseling. He clearly has issues to deal with and you now have a lot of pressure and stress put on you that you need to weigh heavily and consider what's in your best interest moving forward.

Thinking of you, OP. Please don't blame yourself and please know we are all here for you.

Thank you all for all of the words. It is tough to read all of the comments, especially since I'm so hurt right now.

We did have the conversation last night. We went back to all of our transactions since he stopped paying.

1. He has a job and still has the job. He gets his checks directly deposited into our account.

2. There was no cash withdrawals, weird payment types, anything suspicious. I took the advice of Jenny and looked through everything.

3. He is not cheating on me, that I know for sure. We live together, my car has been broken down for some time, so he picks me up from work, we spend weekends together, unless he is with his friends, and I'm always with his friends wife shopping. He really wouldn't have the time to do so, and that I completely trust.

4. He does not have a drug problem. Like I said, I would notice this. I trust him on that as well.

5. We did ultimately find out where the money went. Our mortgage is small, but eight months adds up. When looking thoroughly through the transactions, I found where a big chunk went. My husband was in charge of the honeymoon. A lot of what was being spent on was this. Also, I have myself to blame for budgeting incorrectly on our wedding. We ended up going $3,000 over.

6. We decided that we need to seek financial counsel and both get more acquainted with budgeting correctly and spending wisely. We could both use this.

The only thing I can't get past is the lies. I'm really hurt and really pissed that he thought we didn't need to be a team on this one. We all make mistakes. I have made some mistakes with money (and obviously still do), but I wouldn't lie about it. We are supposed to be a team, and I can't believe he would hide it from me because he was embarrassed and scared (that's his reasoning apparently).

The blame for overspending on wedding/honeymoon is not just on you. Your partner has a role in that as well. And rather than lie about the mortgage because he thought you didn't have enough to pay it, he should have said "Hey, let's look at our wedding expenses to see if we DO have enough money."

Also, not everyone does know when his/her partner has a drug problem or is cheating. I certainly hope your husband doesn't, but to say "I would know" or "I would notice" is not always accurate.

I'm glad there doesn't seem to be anything crazy he's spending the money on, but it's probably a good idea to see his paystubs just to make sure all of his paycheck is going into that account. I still don't understand why he lied.

Sorry, that doesn't make much sense.

How much was your honeymoon? How much is your mortgage?

Obviously it's not a great feeling, but honestly, you NEVER truly know someone. He could very easily have a drug problem or be cheating.