Wasn't up to posting a BAM, and this is why....Update Pg 12

I don't have anything else to add other than I am sorry. One month after being married, this is not something you expect to deal with nor should you have to. You will be in my thoughts and prayers! Please post an update when you can. We are here for you!

I hope that you will seek both individual and couples counseling to work through whether or not you should stay in this marriage, but I disagree with the posters who say that you should empty the accounts and make your own. That's a totally reasonable gut instinct in this situation, but you really need to speak to an attorney before doing this. If you decided to pursue a divorce, his attorney could use that against you. Please see an attorney to learn about how you can protect yourself financially while you decide if you want to stay in this marriage. Additionally, I would recommend pulling both of your credit reports from all three credit bureaus to make sure that you know about every last item on each of them. I know this is going to sting, but I would also recommend seeing your doctor for STI testing and demanding that he provide you negative test results for both drugs and STIs in case he's been struggling with addiction and/or having an affair. After the absolutely staggering level of deceit he's displayed, you are entitled to absolutely anything you need to verify the truth. If he refuses any of your conditions, I hope you have the strength walk away. I'll be thinking about you OP.

SageTree, I'm so so sorry to hear this. I've been in this position with my ex. I tried to find the missing money to no avail. It was just....gone. Years later, I found out that he was a serious gambler. I never had a clue, and we were married for a decade.

Please see an attorney. Your actual financial future is at stake.

I have been a cosigner on my sister's house when she and her husband got into financial difficulty. I did receive monthly letters from their bank advising me about the payment status. This may have been what happened with his mother getting the letter. Incidentally, same sister is just separating from her spouse, because of a very similar situation. Her husband spent their money and evaded taxes. Her credit is in ruins.

It's not uncommon. At the very least untangle any joint bank accounts/credit cards/loans that you have with your husband right now. Do not merge your finances or credit with him.

Please, please see an attorney!

Yikes.

so there's no surplus of money, the mortgage wasn't paid for 8 months so that's thousands of dollars....so either the wedding bills were actually more than you could afford or your regular income flow tanked. did he lose his job and he didn't tell you about it?

Omg!! 8 months??? I would be beyond pissed. That would definitely create some trust issues!

OP - nothing much more add other than you are in my thoughts. I'd be seeing a divorce attorney though.

No, I do not fault you because you married an adult. I would never expect someone to check up on their spouse to see if the bills are paid. That is part of being a responsible adult. It is one thing to admit you are not good with money and cede control to your spouse. It is something else to continuously lie about where the money is going.

This is a UO but I wouldn't be ringing divorce lawyers just yet. It all depends on what happened to the money. If this is a case of him being lazy with finances and you both spending beyond your means (weddings expenses could easily amount to the cost of 8 months of mortgage repayments) then I'd probably forgive him but make sure I was in charge of mortgage repayments from now on. If the mortgage money was spent on something insidious on his end (gambling, an affair) Well that's another kettle of fish. Unfortunately this is where the 'for worse' part of your vows is going to weigh very heavy on you now.

I agree, Natalie. We only have a sliver of the story and it's easy to jump to conclusions to where the money went. Now, I'm skeptical that it was an innocent mistake, I think the key is figuring out WHERE it went before deciding what OP wants to do. OP did say that there was nothing out of the ordinary in the bank accounts, other than wedding and some other spending she knew about. So, my question is, did his income change at all? Or did they just not keep a good budget when doing the wedding planning? Or is he taking money out and doing something with it?

Again, I am not okay being lied to for 8 months and that alone would probably be a marriage end-able offense, but we all have different limits. My heart just breaks for OP.

I'm so sorry sage. Unless he was having some of his money deposited into another account, I think it was just wedding spending getting out of hand. That doesn't make it ok to skip out on the mortgage and it definitely doesn't make ok for him to lie to you about it. It sounds like you're working on the immediate situation of catching up with your mortgage but I would suggest counseling. Things happen and we all screw up but letting it spiral out like this is not ok. He needs to find ways to deal when he feels like he's screwed, not just bury his head in the sand. He also needs to see that he wasn't protecting you from anything, he knowingly put you both at risk for losing your home and serious debt.

I definitely share the UO and wouldn't run to the divorce lawyers until i knew exactly what happened, and i don't think we have all the information. i'm not even sure OP has all the information.

yeah, this is severe. and it totally may be grounds for serious legal action, but this is a relationship that has been one way for...years? and now, all of a sudden, something is horribly horribly wrong and different. so yeah, i dk i just think theres more information to be had.

Obviously a situation like this would tank anyone's trust in their spouse. I'd like to say, though, short of all of the terrible possibilities of where the money may have gone, I can easily see how that much money can seem to disappear into thin air due to poor budgeting. I've lived that personally in the past, and that was without wedding expenses. It's so easy to do if you're not being purposeful with spending and saving.

If that ends up being the situation, I do think this is something one may be able to move forward from. Trust and budgeting would both need to be worked on.

However, if your husband did do something shady beyond lying for 8 months (which in and of itself is huge, even if he didn't have malicious intent or just felt helpless)...gosh, Sage, I'm so sorry. This is a terrible, horrible situation, and I can't imagine dealing with the triple-shock of dealing with a lying husband, being massively behind on mortgage payments, and not knowing where the money went. I'll be hoping and praying that the loan officer is merciful to the two of you, and for the best possible outcome for your relationship - whatever that ends up looking like.

'I'm really surprised how some people don't find it even a little alarming that OPs husband lied to her about not paying a MAJOR bill for EIGHT months. '

I don't think anyone has said it wasn't alarming but if affairs can be forgiven, then lies can be forgiven (even serious ones about finances.) Some may be willing to forgive, others may not but people shouldn't be chastised if they do choose to forgive & stay with their partner.

@Ephalba has a point - and I felt it too.

My ex husband is terrible with money. He makes money disappear so fast its sickening, and on nothing worth a damn to boot.

After my relationship with him was done, my credit was in the shitter. Like really bad. It has taken me several years to build it back up and it is still not even close to where it should be.

With that being said, my father is part owner of my home. FH couldnt sign for it on his own and my credit was not worth a shit. FH was aware of the whole thing during the buying process. Just because his mom is on the deed doesnt mean deception (unless he never told you about it and hid it, thats another story). Also, having mom on the deed isnt a bad thing. I do know if we got even a phone call or an inkling that it wasnt paid, id have an angry as hell phone call and I would regret being born by my father.

I do not know if this is a dealbreaker for you. Everyone has different sets of rules to live by. My brother's GF didnt pay their house bill and they lost their house. He is (unfortunately for them) living with my mother. they are still together. However after my ex not understanding the concept of money, I think it would be a dealbreaker for me.

OP, find out where the money went. I would not just go to counseling, but financial counseling. It really should be beneficial to both of you. I feel like we could always be better with money. I have a friend who works in finance and I ask him questions all of the time.

Also, always have an account of your own that H has no bearing on. You should be able to buy what you want without asking or having questions. My grandmother was a smart woman and told me this all of the time. She would send me money to put in it (unfortunately ex H knew her address/handwriting). She wanted me to protect myself if there was an issue. I actually didnt understand it until after he and I split.

Protect yourself when you are happy for darker times. It will make the darker times less dark.

GL OP. I look forward to seeing your updates. So far i feel like they are getting better than the original post. Hopefully that continues to happen for you.

This is not the time to blame yourself for trusting your husband. You have to dig deep and find the strength to discuss with him why he didn't pay and what he did with the money. Pray Pray and more Prayer. If possible and you want your marriage to work, catch up on your mortgage and express to your husband that the all bills should be automated so that you can have a sense of peace when it comes to your finances. Communicate with him so that you are on the same page

Sweetie my prayers go out to you!! Let me give you a bit of advice from someone in the finance industry.

1. When you're going over your bank statements make sure you are calculating separately your credits vs. your debits. That way you will know if you were spending more then you were putting in to justify his explanation of "we didn't have enough money"

2. Pay attention for anything titled "ATM withdrawal, Online transfer to checking xxxx, Telephone Transfer, payments" If the funds were transferred to another account it will always tell you the last 4 digits of that account number, and if it isn't one of your accounts then the money was transferred to an account you don't know about. That might be where the money is.

3. If you don't see any transactions titled that, go over your wedding expenses and see if you possibly went over budget and that's why there wasn't a surplus in funds.

4. If it says payments, click on it to get more info like which card it went too. Maybe he was spending wildly on a credit card and using the funds to pay his credit card balance down. Or a car loan. Whatever.

5. Go over credit card statements as well, not just bank account statements and look for the same thing. Except it would be titled "Cash Advance" not withdrawal. I would grab his wallet and look at every single card it has in there and demand to see statements for all accounts.

6. I would run a credit report for the both of you. You can get them online for just a $20 though Experian.com and just cancel your membership right after so you only get charged for one month. That way you see what is in your name and his. The credit report will tell you exactly what loans or cards he has open and what standing they are in to give you a better view of where he spends his money or if there's a loan out you had no idea about. Or if he has collections, whatever it may be.

If after all of this you find out where the money is. Depending on the answer to that question, get some counseling, see an attorney, do all options but make this decision slowly!! You COULD recover from this so don't make any rash decisions. It's your decision to make, only yours.

However in the mean time I do think some time apart would help. Maybe stay with your parents or a close friend for a few days to calm down and figure out your finances? Don't be afraid to reach out to the closest person to you! They love you and would be there for you, let them!

I wish you all the luck sweetie. Stay strong! We're all routing for you!

Wait so the money did come out and just went to other things? That's what one of your post seemed to suggest. If I'm incorrect, please set me straight. If the money wasn't there, why not? Where was it being spent?

I have nothing of substance to add. But I am truly sorry you're going through this. I can't even imagine.

That said- where the fuck is the money???

Ugh, I feel terrible for you. I'm so sorry this is happening.

I think you've gotten some good advice, and hopefully you can get some answers from your husband.

Good luck, please post updates! And take care of yourself!!

I won't speculate as to what the OP should do as far as her marriage is concerned, but as someone who's seen it all, I know what I'd do. Once she has all of the facts, in black and white, in front of her face she can either choose to live a life in which there is security and no fear when the mail truck pulls up outside of her home, or she can choose to believe a man (someone she's already realized is a boy) who directly lied to her for eight months about the security of their home.

His mother did not receive one piece of "weird" mail. She received quite a few certified letters from the lender. Did she sign for them? I don't know, but she received notices that there were certified mail at the post office that needed to be picked up. Did he go to the post office and pick them up? Probably not. Her phone call about "weird mail" was probably, more accurately, "This is the fifth certified letter I've received, and I think you'd better go pick it up."

And even if he did pick up the letters, what difference did it make? He wasn't paying the mortgage and he was lying to her face. Confirmation numbers? That discloses a deep level of deception. Unless the lender is a personal friend who's holding paper on the house and just made some increasingly concerned phone calls to the mother, it's quite obvious that eight months alerts any lender to start sending certified letters demanding payment. The fact that the OP mentioned the possibility of making payments is troubling. If this were me, and the money were available, I'd drive to the nearest branch tomorrow with a cashier's check in the full amount due. The money is missing.

This is BS, and it will likely be a much uglier story of loss and hideous stress 20 years from now -- when he's far less adorable and far more deceptive.

I am sorry. Not matter how this all works out this is an amazing learning experience for both you and your partner. I'm wishing you the best.