Wasn't up to posting a BAM, and this is why....Update Pg 12

This would make me wonder what other mail he's having forwarded to his mama's house.

So, this just came into light last weekend. Since then, he called, with me with him, to talk to the loan officer to figure out next steps. We are in a holding pattern until they decide whether we will pay outright or pay in installments.

I didn't even think to ask where the money is, and now I feel more like an idiot than before for not even thinking of that...

I went through our bank account online to view what has been spent on. The only big expenses are our wedding items. I don't see any withdrawals of cash. It's the same stuff for him, golf, some beer purchases, but nothing that screams drug money, gambling problem, ect.

I texted him telling him I want to sit down and discuss. All I can see is our wedding expenses taking over our account. I also asked why his mom got the mail. Apparently she is on the deed.

I'm so mad at myself for noticing, for not being all over finances, for not brushing up on this further. I was good with money when it was just me on my own account. But, I think I've been letting him do more and not really thinking about it too much, other than asking if he made the payment, or noticing if it didn't come out.

I realize I have a huge factor in this as well. I want to learn to budget and finance better.

I don't know what I'm going to do about him though. This is so new to me... he's an amazing guy. So caring and thoughtful... but this is just hurting me so badly. I don't know if I want to divorce him or work through it.

Gymmie- Agreed, I would really be questioning the fact my husband was having mail sent to his mothers house. He's likely hiding more.

Did you guys not keep wedding and living funds separate?

No, one account.

Were you aware that his mom is on the deed? Is this a house you both own together or does he own it and you moved in? That still doesn't answer the question about why the mail would be going to his moms house. If the mortgage is for 123 Sesame street and his mom is on the deed for 123 Sesame Street .. the mail should still be coming to your home. There is still no reason for mail to go to his mom's address at a different location.

Clearly he is not caring and thoughtful, Sage. I'm sorry, but no one would ever do this to the person they "love". That much deceit would break my heart in two. I wouldn't be able to trust him again. It would be over.

I'm so sorry Sage. This is such a deep hurt and betrayal.

In addition to all the above PP have given, are you taking care of yourself? This is so sad and life shattering. As someone who also had a lying incident close to the wedding (but not nearly as big as this), somehow it changes how you view the one you love and I'm sure you're questioning why you married him. It's painful to see the ugly side, especially so close to a beautiful, happy day.

You don't have to make the divorce decision right now, but some time apart (except for when you're trying to solve your finance issues) might help clear your head before you make that mind if decision. Counseling (individual first, then couples if you decide it's in your best interest to work through this) can be really helpful.

SageTree - maybe it's not *as bad* as it initially seemed. I mean, for me personally, lying to me for 8 months about our mortgage would be the end.

But, giving the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was watching the money more closely, saw things coming out for the wedding, and thought that was important to you? Again, I keep coming back to him lying to you for 8 months though - I don't know how he thinks that is okay and if you CAN come back from that. But, if you can, perhaps he was just trying to let you have the wedding of your dreams and didn't know how to approach the lack of money for the mortgage. I think if that is the case, counseling is needed like today.

First up, figure out WHERE that money went. It may mean sitting down with a spread sheet and tracking every charge - maybe it went to the wedding? Maybe you both just overspent on other stuff? Or he took it out in small cash withdrawals? I think you just need to figure out why there was no excess in the account.

Next, decide if you want to move forward with this marriage - it could be when you find out where the money went, you do not want to stay in it or you may decide it's something you guys can work on together with counseling. If you decide to stay together, set up a budget and watch your account DAILY. That may seem extreme, but know where your money is going. Track what things you're buying, how much you're eating out, etc. You need to also fully take charge because it's clear he is unable to do it.

If you decide you want out, go talk to a divorce lawyer asap. As others posted above, you may be able to get an annulment.

Again, I can't reiterate how sorry I am. From an outsider's perspective, I would say run, but none of us know the whole story. Definitely look at all your options and decide what's best for you. Don't be afraid to talk to professionals (counselors, attorneys, etc.) if you aren't sure how to proceed. They can help you protect yourself emotionally and financially.

I absolutely cannot wrap my head around the idea that there was no surplus, no weird transactions, and he still didn't pay the mortgage.

Was he depositing less money than normal?

Are you okay? Yes that's hard but you can't completely blame yourself. He was a man you loved and was going to marry so you trusted him to not need to check up on him. I'm so very sorry your going through this. This will effect your relationship, but just depends if you want to work past it or if you'll be able to let it go.

Did you see paychecks coming through? Is he possibly pretending to go to work every day and hasn't actually had a job to help pay for these things? I don't see how the money isn't accounted for but you said there are no withdrawals.

I'm sure he's an amazing guy... but manipulative narcissists and sociopaths are too, in many cases. People never suspect the amazing guy for shady things. I understand wanting to think of the good parts about him, but the other posters are right- it's time to get mad.

Like...I know I make XXXX dollars a month, and that XXXX dollars a month is allocated to bills, because most months the bills are the same. If I have more than what I normally have leftover, it would raise alarms, especially if the MORTGAGE was missing. A $60.00 cable bill or something would be less noticeable but the mortgage?

ETA: Clarity

This is a little confusing.

So the wedding money was coming from that same account? Did you have savings/extra money to pay for that? Was he using the mortgage money for the wedding?

Otherwise, I agree with ELK. If there's no sign of outgoing money to strange places, then he was depositing less money into that account. That's the only thing that makes sense if there's not a huge surplus of money in that account.

Did you spend so much on the wedding that those costs could account for what is missing?

I am so so sorry you are faced with this situation right after your wedding. I don't know what I would do, but I know the first step would be separating finances and taking control of the bills. I can't imagine finding out something of such magnitude from my spouse, it would definitely be hard to trust them again.

ELK if your cable bill is $60/month, I'd like for you to share what company you are using, please and thank you.

I'm seeing a couple of situations here.

1. The wedding was not budgeted properly and no one took a second to say hey we need to stop for a minute and realign finances. Which leaves the lying about this for 8 months. That becomes the biggest issue next to the unpaid mortgage. Financial and relationship counseling to see if this is something you guys can get past. I honestly would get your credit report. Pull all your funds into a private account and change the information for your payroll.

2. There is more deceit than what is being shown. The fact that all mail for this was going to his mother is a huge problem and is covering for something. Did he not put money into the account like you were and was just spending yours? Are there deposit records on his part?

You need to find out what happened to the funds immediately. What was it spent on and go from there.

@Lilly lol actually we don't have cable! I was just trying to come up with a smaller example.

ETA: in all seriousness, is it possible that he thought to use the mortgage money for wedding expenses and that he'd pay back the mortgage with wedding gift money?

Something is missing here... There is no surplus of money... There is no cash withdraws nor big purchases (besides wedding), in that case Where is the money? Was there really not enough to pay the mortgage? Is his Direct Deposit less than usual? I think you need to take your bank statements to the bank and have someone dive into these statements with a clear mind because either you over spent from the wedding and didn't notice or he's swindling that money out of the account.

I think the key is figuring out where that money is. Ask your husband, but go through and check every transaction in the account for the last 8 months. As others stated, make sure his income is the same, etc. The money can't just disappear - it went somewhere and you need to figure out where.