Wasn't up to posting a BAM, and this is why....Update Pg 12

The OP has already said that she doesn't know where the money went and she didn't notice any surplus in the account. He is doing something else with the money.

Yea....I don't see how OP is at fault. She trusted her partner to do something, there wasn't a surplus of money, so she thought he did it. I don't follow up on everything DH says he does - I trust him to do it. If it were me, I'd go back through the accounts for the past 8 months and figure out where that money went and how things haven't added up. There must be some evidence in the accounts of where the money went since you don't have a surplus of money.

But, most importantly, counseling ASAP and figuring out WHERE that money went and what he's doing with it - gambling, drugs, just setting it aside, etc.

Again, I can't imagine going through this and my heart aches for you.

I don't think it's 'mothering' to keep track of finances that effect both partners, but I don't know that any of us know enough about the financial arrangement they have to make a call.

If there is no surplus in the account, that money must have gone somewhere.

But honestly, who wants to play detective in their marriage?

If the money is gone, it's a much bigger concern, I think, to find out what he did with that money.

I know I deserve a part of the blame. I'm extremely mad at how childish I was to not notice this. I realize how much I need to brush up on keeping up the books. I know that I have a chunk in this... which kills me.

But, I can't believe this. The lies hurt. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Celia, she said she asked him if it was paid and he said yes, even had a fake confirmation number. So she trusted her spouse, which most people tend to do, and didn't think she needed to do any more than just ask. I don't know about you, but it's not a habit of mine to say, "honey, did you pay the mortgage this month? Yeah? ok, well I'm just gonna go look at the bank statement and call the mortgage company to double check, you know just in case!" You shouldn't have to do that in a marriage. So yet again, no, she's not at fault here.

You need to figure out where the money is. What was it being spent on? You need to speak to the loan officer today. Immediately. Like yesterday and figure out a game plan.

You aren't answering anyone's questions.

I second Alecia.

The money is not in the account. There has been no surplus....

I just want to cry.

Sage, don't beat yourself up. The important thing is that this gets unscrewed so you're not out on the street.

The next thing is to figure out what to do about his behaviour.

So where did he spend it? Have you asked?

Were you depositing money into this account to help with the mortgage?

Sage, the more I think of this the more I agree with OG Alecia. Divorce attorney, now. At least to discuss your options and next steps so you can make an informed decision.

Is it possible he has a drug problem? Gambling addiction? Does he owe money to someone scary? There is something huge going on here and you're held liable as his married partner.

@SageTree - another thing I would do immediately is set up your OWN account and make sure your income is going into that (and that he is not listed on the account). He clearly can't be trusted and you need to start protecting yourself ASAP.

Again, I would at least glance through the bank account(s) and look for any odd purchases or withdrawals. Try to figure out where that money went, as that may have a huge impact on what you ultimately decide to do.

Have the two of you sat down and talked about this? Have you scheduled a counseling appointment?

My heart aches for you. And I wholeheartedly agree with Alecia - this is grounds to terminate the relationship.

Wow, to be honest, FH's lies about money was my breaking point and what pushed me to postpone our wedding. It makes me feel a bit better in such a crappy situation to see others in that boat. WTH is running through the minds of these men, to feel it's ok to hide financial issues with us, If you forgot to pay a bill or the mortgage..TELL ME. If you are struggling with money..TELL ME. If you're overwhelmed and need help..TELL ME. It's so selfish and I feel like guys either truly forget, or get too overwhelmed and form an "out of sight, out of mind" relationship with bills.

OP, you've received a lot of advice and in hope you're feeling a bit better knowing you're not alone in a situation like this. I've had to take over all the finances for them to get paid full and on time. Not something I wanted to do, but it's helped and the resentment and helicoptering isn't there like it was. I also suggest he see a financial advisor (or you two go together) and a counselor, because the big thing here at the end of the day isn't money, it's honesty, and it's something he broke with you that he needs to earn back.

Is it possible that wedding expenses depleted the account, therefor he didn't have enough money to cover the mortgage and was afraid to tell you?

I 100% agree with OGA. It's time to seek legal counsel. This is huge. I am so sorry OP but you need to be logical about where you go from here.

See an attorney.

You need to find out where that money is going ASAP. That would be over 18k for us. That would feed quite an addiction of some sort. Unfortunately I think this is going to get worse for you once you figure out where the money was spent. Ask your husband.

And now that I'm clear the money is officially missing.

So- he says he was worried that he didn't have enough to pay- but what you DID have is now gone? That's some next level bullshit. Full deal breaker.

OGA- is fully correct- lawyer up- now. Get your own account set up- make sure you pull YOUR money out- get direct deposit to the new account. Find out where you stand on the house- is your name on the deed? or the loan - anything?

I'd be packing a to- go bag and making sure you had a safe space to get too.

I'm not recommending you do this in any capacity, I just think what I would do in this situation is drain that account, set up my own account, and leave.