Wasn't up to posting a BAM, and this is why....Update Pg 12

So your mortgage payment is $400, $500+ a month? At least? So after 2-3 months when you saw you had an extra $1k in your account unaccounted for, why didn't that raise red flags?

I'm not saying this is really on you. Obviously you love him and trusted him and thought you could take him at his word. But when all this extra money started appearing out of no where, how did he explain that away?

I'm so sorry, I can only imagine how hurt you are. Did he explain why he stopped making payments?

What did he do with all the money that was supposed to be going towards the mortgage?

If my FH skipped paying the mortgage for eight months, we would have a 10k surplus. How do you not realize you have all that extra money laying around?

ETA: Assuming the money just sat in the account and he didn't spend it...which is an entirely different issue.

OP, take care of yourself first. If you are struggling with depression, get help. Then decide if it is a deal breaker for you or not. Then, go from there. One step at a time.

The house is in my husbands name.

What in the actual fuck?

That's a complete deal breaker- that's dishonest and lying- and fucking bullshit?

why the fuck was he lying to you?

I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm still a bit confused - where did the money go? Did he use it on something else or put it in a separate account? I can't imagine someone would think it was okay to not pay the mortgage for 8 months because they were worried about money....that makes no sense to me. That obviously will only compound a problem, not fix it.

I pay the bills, but DH has access to everything and when I do something "weird" (move money from one account to another or something), I always tell him immediately.

I would be VERY upset if DH didn't do something for 8 months he said he was doing every month but I truly hope you guys can work through this. At the very least, it seems pretty evident you need to take over all the bills.

Don't you dare blame yourself! That is a huge problem in itself! You trusted your spouse to handle the payments, you shouldn't need to check up on him that it got done. Sorry, but that comment you made really sent me over the edge- in NO WAY are you responsible for checking up that a grown man has taken care of his responsibilities that he told you he would handle.

This would also be marriage ending for me. He's fucking with your credit, he's fucking with your shelter, he's fucking with your life. And for what??? Did he give any reason as to why he didn't pay??

OP you aren't answering the big question that multiple have asked. Where is all the money that should have gone to paying your mortgage?

1. Is the money available in the account to rectify the situation at hand or has it been spent?

2. You need to figure out if this is something you two can get past with counseling.

This would be a huge deal breaker and there are red flags everywhere. 8 months is a long time for this to go unnoticed.

Thank you guys. I don't even know what to do. I didn't see any surplus, which has me even more upset and worried. All I know is, I'm henceforth in charge of the payments. But, even so, I'm so heartbroken over the lies, I don't know if I want this to be my home. I can't believe I was so naïve and didn't take a stronger hold of our payments. I'm mad I didn't notice. I'm so hurt because of all the lies. I love this man... but this is killing me.

There are a bunch of things going on here, they lying part, the trust part, the statement going to his mother part and of course the money part. AND the house being only in his name part.

Do you deserve part of the blame? Unfortunately, yes you do. ETD; a little bit of the blame.

I don't really know where I would go with this....trust is everything in a relationship, and none of this really adds up.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this so soon after being married, but if you choose to stay, you need some serious counseling and you need it fast. And he needs to clean up the payments ASAP.

I 100% agree with Lillybean it's not OPs fault and it would be marriage ending for me as well.

I'm a hawk with our money, so I would notice if extra money was sitting in the account and not being pulled for the mortgage or if other money was being pulled to a different account each month. I'm just surprised I guess it could have been hidden for so long. I guess I AM assuming you have combined finances, since you say you take care of everything else. Do you guys have separate accounts?

I definitely agree with counseling being in order and working on communication skills.

Thousands of dollars are just missing? Does your husband have a gambling problem he isn't fessing up to?

Celia, no she does not deserve part of the blame. She shouldn't be expected to mother her spouse or have to check that he did his family tasks on top of having to take care of her own stuff. Marriage is a partnership, not a supervisor-employee relationship where your work needs to be checked to make sure it's done.

OP, emergency marriage counseling. TONIGHT. Contact a LMFT and get in- this could be just the tip of the iceberg.

Is the money still in the account?

The fact that there wasn't a surplus is a giant red flag. I mean how do you not want to at least try to pay for your mortgage every month? Does the thought of homelessness and a tarnished credit score not scare him?

It's definitely not your fault it happened, and if he was taking the money out and the house isn't in your name there's no way for you to know. However, if the money never came out of the account then yes, you should have realized something was weird and pressed harder than "did you pay the mortgage"

You might also want to talk to a lawyer in case there are more debts out there that as a couple you are now responsible for too.