livelaughlove
Dedicated August 2018

Torn

livelaughlove, on July 26, 2018 at 5:55 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8
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Hey guys,

So I get married next week! Can't believe it's finally here! We are doing a destination wedding in Jamaica. Smiley ring

I have been feeling a bit torn the past 2 months. I haven't talked to my mother in 10 years, shortly after my fiance and I met. I guess I am feeling a bit upset that I won't have my mother there on my wedding day. I wish I had a good mother/daughter relationship that most girls do. I find myself crying alone lately when I think about my wedding day and how she won't be there. My mother and father had a nasty divorce. She tried filling my head and my siblings head with BS about my Dad and their marriage. I always knew growing up they didn't have the best marriage, but figured since they were married for almost 25 years, they would be miserable together for the rest of their lives. But anyway, during their divorce process my mother and I had a really rocky relationship. I believe my mother may have a bipolar disorder too, which she has never addressed. Sometimes it is like walking on egg shells, because you don't know what mood she is in some days. She has no problem flipping out on you, especially in public, and I cannot stand that!

My mother and I are both stubborn people. I really don't want to be stubborn anymore, I am trying to do better. I was thinking about writing my mother a letter before I leave and mailing it to her, but I am still torn with do I really want to do this? As much as I do not want to be stubborn anymore, I am worried if I try to have a relationship with her again, once things get good, she is going to go back to her old self again? Not sure if I am ready for that.

My fiance cannot stand her either. He doesn't like how she has treated me in the past, before I stopped talking to my mother (theres more to the story). He said in the past he would support me if I wanted to talk to her again, but doesn't really know why, because she really hasn't changed. She hasn't talked to my sister in nearly 4 months, and my sister has no idea why, and my mother won't tell her either. Ugh! I hate this family drama! That is why I am so torn on what to do.

8 Comments

  • K
    Super September 2018
    Kate ·
    • Flag
    If you'd like, be the bigger person and write the letter. My father and I had a rocky relationship and haven't really talked the last 5 years and he died 5 months ago. And I'm having a really hard time with it because of the wedding. And if it doesn't work out, just know you tried. You put yourself out there and there wasnt anything else you could do. Because I wish I did more and wasn't as stubborn as him
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  • T
    Savvy June 2019
    Tia ·
    • Flag
    I 1000000% know what you are going through and reading your post was super weird because I feel like you know me lmao. I would write the letter. I feel like you would regret NOT writing it more than writing it
    • Reply
  • S
    Devoted September 2018
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I would encourage you to write her a letter, but before you do, I would suggest being crystal clear on your intention in doing so. (I don’t hear that in your initial post.)

    In order to have a relationship with her, you need to be very strong and clear in your intent, as well as healthy yourself.

    Good Luck with your decision - my heart goes out to you to be in this situation at all. Family drama is always hard to deal with, and weddings can bring that to the fore I know.
    • Reply
  • J
    Expert September 2018
    Jody ·
    • Flag
    If you really want to write the letter, you absolutely should. But do it for you and your own peace of mind, with no expectations of how she might respond. Also keep in mind, if she is suffering from mental illness (and from what you’ve described it sounds like she might be) her response and subsequent behavior may not be that of a “normal” person. People dealing with mental illnesses don’t think and react the way we want them to, because their thinking process is often quite different than our own. So, do it for you and for your own heart, but don’t expect too much, and set very clear boundaries with her if you do decide to have a relationship again.

    Fwiw, my mom isn’t coming to my wedding either- because she “hates that stuff and hates Las Vegas” and my FH cannot invite his father, who he was estranged from for many years but has reconnected with, because my future MIL will flip out if he is there-she still hates him after being divorced for 45 years!!!! Family, ugh. Lol.
    • Reply
  • Cheryl&rock
    VIP June 2019
    Cheryl&rock ·
    • Flag
    May I tell you something?
    It's very sad to read your post. It made me cry. I won't go into details but my mother and I had a very difficult relationship, at times hostile. She habitually lied, was a horrible mother, too painful to get into, favored men over her children, God the list goes on.
    With all that being said and much more, this is what happened.
    I hadn't spoken to my mother for some time. When she last called I told her " you're on your own" and hung up. A couple of weeks later I get a call from the hospital near her that she was septic, what did I want them to do!!! Parts of her body we're dying, she had overdosed. I made the decision to keep her from pain, but let her pass. I lived 5 hours from her and never got to say goodbye! Please excuse any spelling errors, I'm crying. I didn't make it on time.
    My guilt is enormous!!! I miss her!!! She was the woman who gave me life!!! She was far from perfect, but neither am I!! I would give anything to hear her voice, have her annoy me, hell piss me off, God to give her a hug!!
    Please don't let the past destroy your future!!
    She is wrestling with her own demons.
    I lived for 34 years with my ex..my youngest daughter has not forgiven me for divorcing him.
    Your post hit me from both ends, my mom and daughter.
    Please forgive her!! Don't wait until it's too late!!
    I'm sorry this was so long.

    • Reply
  • Cheryl&rock
    VIP June 2019
    Cheryl&rock ·
    • Flag
    PS:. One last thing, I pray my daughter forgives me and we can be closer again... It breaks my heart knowing she feels the way she does...
    My first post was as the daughter... This post is me the mom...
    The pain is hell losing in death or life someone you love so much!
    • Reply
  • PurdyAikey
    Super January 2019
    PurdyAikey ·
    • Flag
    So this is very similar to FH cousin (which I know is not in the same league as a mother) we decided to reach out to them, and they basically told FH that they hated me because I was terrible. (more to the story too, but this isn't the time for that) Anyway it was reassuring in way because I basically begged FH to at least reach out to them because at least we wouldn't have the what-ifs in our mind. Their response was we do not want to be invited to anything ever again, and now we know. You don't know until you try. Family drama is the worst!


    • Reply
  • R
    Dedicated August 2018
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    I'm so sorry your going through this. Reading this was like reading a page from my own book. My weddings next week too and as much of an awful relationship I have with my mother it kills me she and my brothers won't be there. Unlike you though I have no desire to be the bigger person. I think if you're feeling like you want to write a letter you should. You'll only regret it later if you don't. But I wouldn't have any expectations. Write the letter for you. Say what you need to. If something good comes of it than that's wonderful but if she isn't receptive you've done what you could. You've said how you felt and it's off your shoulders. Having rocky mother daughter relationships are so hard and can really bring out a lot of emotions during such important times in our lives. I know I've cried my fair share of years over the last year. Good luck and congratulations!!❤❤
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