Pre-marital Counseling??? Is it worth it?

I think it's worth it. Premarital counseling should help ensure that you and your fiance are on the same page when it comes to topics such as finances, having children, sharing housework duties, conflict resolution, family issues, intimacy, merging your lifestyles, and expectations for the marriage.

We are not. Everything marriage counseling would talk to us about is all stuff that we have talked about way WAY early on in our relationship and topics we often re-approach to see how we feel about them and make sure we’re still on the same page

We did not, but honestly, I wonder if you should talk to someone on your own. You shouldn't be unsure - or worried about marrying the wrong person.

We haven’t but we both see our own therapists regularly, which I highly recommend. I think I would recommend couples counseling though if you’re interested in talking about some of these issues together.

My fiance and I are getting married though a church, so they require it, and I think it is really helpful to make sure that you talk about certain things (financials, future children/parenting, values, etc) before you get married. My fiance and I were together 5 years before and talked about most things already, but there were still a few things that we don't align on, and it can be good to have a 3rd set of ears. The church mainly does it so that you don't rush relationships, but there definitely are people who have dated for a while where certain topics never come up in conversation.

We didn't go through with pre-marital counseling, but I think it's valuable to do. It all depends on you and your partner's goals for your marriage or values. Having a third party can help open up the conversation of tough topics.

Premarital counseling will make sure you're on the same page about kids, religion, taking in elderly relatives, etc. Things you may have never thought of. I highly recommend it, and you can do it for free via an Internet list of questions.


The 15 year gap, that this was your only adult relationship, him thinking you "love" your dad too much, a 36 year old dating a 21 year old are all red flags that you should figure out through individual therapy.

It sounds like you could probably benefit from marriage counseling if only to have an impartial third party help you both work through some major issues, especially since it sounds like you already have some doubts, that need to be dealt with before beginning to think about getting married. The age difference and the fact that you were so young when you started dating him plus the fact he doesn't like your relationship with your dad are big issues. The fact that your dad feels he's not the one for you shouldn't be overlooked. Parents know.

Ok it can be me and my fiancee are doing it too now they say that it can help in areas that you both may not know that you are having issues. A from what you just mentioned you need to get to the bottom of the problem besides the age difference. But it's not bothering neither one of you. This is a good way that you can talk about things that other may not want tell your future spouse. And it can help you learn how to talk to each other with some one there it may be easy for you both.Good luck

I think it's vital for long term success. There's a lot of things people don't talk about before getting married and it will also help you deal with potential conflicts down the line.

We're getting married in a Catholic church, so we had to go through what was essentially pre marital counseling. I think it was really helpful to open up the lines of communication between us and to address different topics, even ones we thought we had covered on our own. It sounds like it would be beneficial for you and your partner to look into some kind of either premarital counseling or individual counseling to work on the things that you've mentioned.

It sounds like you're /hoping/ that's what they'll tell you in premarital counseling. If you're not ready get married, that's okay! If you don't want to be ready, that's okay! If you think this isn't the right person for you, that's okay!!

🗣📢 You DO NOT need a counselor to give you permission not to get married! If you're unsure and questioning your relationship that is reason enough! The only permission you need is YOURS!

You are so young and marriage is meant to be the rest of your life. If that idea fills you with fear, worry and/or dread- STOP. Do not pass go. Do not feel guilty nor bad. It's okay to say you want to explore first, to live a little, before committing to forever!
My partner and I got engaged roughly 3 years in and married roughly 3 more years later (due to covid.) I never was worried or afraid he wasn't right for me. We didn't do premarital counseling. We have had many discussions on many topics, faced hard and strange realities together, and have extremely open and honest lines of communication. We didn't need nor want counseling. That isn't to disparage pre or post marital counseling, for many it is a way to gain tools they didn't previously have and that's perfectly okay.

Please know that I am not saying that your fiancé is a bad person, or necessarily the "wrong" person, BUT:

-I am in complete agreement with others in your thread that your fiancé saying that you love your father to much is A HUGE RED FLAG THAT SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED. In my experience, abusers will say things like this to get you to second guess yourself, and isolate you from family, friends, and other relationships in your life. A person who values you, and your relationship with your father would try to build better communication and understanding over time. Mind you, if you did tell your fiancé this point outright, they may try to seem as if they are going to try and put your father at ease for a while until you are married, and then revert to this mindset again.

-Please know that your fiancé is probably going to want kids sooner, rather than later if he hasn't already. Even if he may say that he is willing to wait, a significant number of people have a child or two by the time they are in their mid 30's, and especially in their 40's. He may feel more family or societal pressure, and may put it on you. There may come a point in time where you may feel that he has been able to have more "life experience" in terms of travel, school, etc. If you do have children in your early twenties, you may feel isolated in the sense that some of your peers are holding off parenting until mid or late twenties, or thirties. You may not have as much of a parental support network, or someone to relate to.

-A person who was born in the early 80's is going to have a far different perspective than someone born in the late 90's. Your fiancé may be closer to your parent's age, than your own, and may act more like a parent than a spouse unless you have the same values and outlook. Having this large of an age gap practically unheard of these days unless you come from certain cultures. The age gap may point to problems far beyond the surface in regards to attachment styles and prior relationship issues.

-Finding common ground with things as simple as what your experiences in school are going to be vastly different. How you interpret and react to events or life circumstances like changing jobs will be different.

If you do choose to go forward and marry, in my opinion, counseling is a must not only for yourself, and really finding who you are, but in addressing issues that I feel are not being mentioned in this post. It just seems as if you have built part of your identity around this relationship and have some milestones, but need a safe place and a good, neutral mediator to really analyze what is going on.

Best of luck. Please be safe.

Go to couples counseling! even if they say you shouldn't be together, they cant stop the wedding. Haha. Get these concerns addressed so you can figure out if your partners willing to work on them!

I think it's worth it. My partner and I went and some things came up that we didn't even know were issues (like me not changing my name). It sounds like you definitely have things to be discussed. A good therapist will tell you if they think marriage is a bad idea, but that's unlikely. They'll instead try to work you through any issues.