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Should i break up if boyfriend's mom doesn't like me?

Kris, on July 19, 2024 at 7:04 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 10

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My long term partner of 4 years and I had a huge fight that lead to him threatening to break up. He's done it maybe 5-6 times over the course of our relationship. I'm very insecure about my age and my fertility.

I'm in my late 20s now, 3 long relationships later I've never been any closer to getting married and having a family. My relationships don't go past the four years mark. I thought this time it would be different, we really clicked but I was never comfortable with his mom. We had a really rocky start where she was really unhappy I spent too much time with him. That really made me questioned our relationship but I thought I could win her over. I never had problems with exes' mom's in the past. But she and I just never clicked, eventually we were civil. He has been trying to mend things ever since.
A few months ago we finally talked about moving in together and I was absolutely thrilled to know he had such a thought. We were long distance for 2 years and I thought this would be the much needed step for us. I asked him about marriage but he didn't want to get married until we moved in together for a while. But out of no where he damped that thought, he didn't want to go to inspections for rentals. Then it was radio silence on the topic.
In our recent argument (which I admit is partly my fault) he that lead to a break, he admitted his mom disagrees with us moving out together, she said its a waste of time and he's too young to marry. In the argument he finally revealed he wants to get married around 30. What made me upset was throughout our relationship he started by not specifying what he wanted and he kept coming up with these requirements that must be met before an engagement but they're always changing. I really loved him and I was even fine with waiting. What I couldn't put up with is his constant change of mind, his mom's opinions and threats to break up.
But I still think whatever choice I end up making I'll be regretting forever and I may never get over him. If anyone has any stories to share or advice please do. Thank you if you read the whole thing.

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Yreka, on July 29, 2024 at 12:03 PM

Super December 2022
LM · on July 25, 2024 at 10:59 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through this. Four years is long enough to know if you want a future together. Red flag if he says he doesn't know because he's using emotional blackmail and threats to make you conform to what he wants. Toxic partners make the other insecure. He keeps the power to make all the decisions. Also, When you marry, you marry the family.

I don't have personal stories of regret for any exes because honestly I don't remember them. They weren't right and I was better off being independent. Now that I'm truly happy and secure in a different relationship, I'm focused on us. Memories of anything before don't matter... Please just trust yourself. This may take practice with small decisions until you're ready to make bigger ones. Good luck.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on July 25, 2024 at 4:19 PM
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I see some red flags here, to be honest. Breaking off the whole relationship mid-fight is one of them, and this seems to be a pattern with him. That's emotional blackmail, and his way of getting your compliance. The fact that his mom doesn't approve seems like the least of the issues here. I'm sorry, that can't feel very peaceful for you.
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Savvy November 2024
Yreka · on July 26, 2024 at 12:23 PM
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I've been in relationships where I didn't like the way I was treated, and I was very invested in the person and how I felt about them. I stayed and tried to change things and find the completely great relationship that meant to much to me, even though I was miserable and the problems were taking a toll. Sometimes I ended it, sometimes the other person did, every time I had a fierce longing and the end was painful, FOR A TIME. Sometimes a long time. But I have gotten over everyone I thought I could never get over.
Anyone who keeps moving the goalposts will probably never marry you. And he's not telling you honestly what he wants. The changing "requirements," some of which are things that he wants you to do, plus when you fight, he threatens to break up (instead of wanting to work with you to fix it), this all sounds like him putting various rewards and penalties on what you do. And 5-6 threats to break up in 4 years? That also tells you he doesn't want to commit to this relationship. If he does marry you, you will be married to the same instability and fear. Exactly what you said you couldn't put up with.
When someone says "I don't want to now, but I will want to someday," and especially if that "someday" keeps moving, either they are deceiving themselves or they're lying to you.
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Super January 2024
Andrea · on July 26, 2024 at 9:28 PM
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Your problem isn’t his mom, it’s him. He needs to be honest with you about what he wants. I would ask him to go to couple’s counseling with you to see if you can both set out your wants and needs and see if you can make them match.
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Kris · on July 27, 2024 at 9:33 AM
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Thank you Andrea, I'll see if he wants to do that.
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Kris · on July 27, 2024 at 9:34 AM
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I guess I never thought he was a greater threat than his mom...
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Kris · on July 27, 2024 at 9:37 AM
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Yeah, I had a feeling that was wrong. It made me really insecure and I mentioned it to him but he eventually started doing it again when things good rocky. Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective.
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Kris · on July 27, 2024 at 9:40 AM
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Your words are so kind, thank you for sharing. I definitely felt uneasy and recently even though I'm sad and I still want to see him...I am more at peace.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on July 27, 2024 at 4:42 PM
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I'm sorry to be the one to point that out. Take care of yourself, and don't settle for being treated this way.
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Savvy November 2024
Yreka · on July 29, 2024 at 12:03 PM
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You're welcome. I hope it is helpful. I remember so many times when I was in a relationship that had so many problems, but also so much I liked, and it was hard to walk away from the dream of fixing it and finally having only the good parts. Sometimes I walked away, sometimes I stayed in it for a long (miserable) time until the other person broke up with me. It is not easy to give up that potential.
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