Sister and Stepfather--just Need to Know It's Okay--passive Aggressive Behavior

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Thanks so much for replying.

Yeah my stepfather probably has no idea his actions are hurtful.

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I know but it's okay, it's helpful

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Thank you so much!

THANKS everyone!!! I appreciate it. I have a clear idea what to do now regarding both of them.

HUGS from behind my computer!!

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I get it, and sometimes it's difficult to convey their tone over these forums, which is why a lot of people instantly get the feeling of being attacked. Just remember they also are trying to help, and they may come off a little more stern, I've had my fair share of responses like this as well. Just take a deep breath before reading what they have to say again, and clarify any confusion.

That's the tough part about these forums- the more detail the better, because sometimes it is easy to jump in and point fingers towards information that's not known in the initial post. That is a little overzealous in my opinion, but I can see why they do that. A lot of posts on here are the same thing of people getting upset at others when the people they are upset with have done nothing wrong.

I didn't think you cared if other people missed brunch and luau, but you said your sister insisted on some things and now she doesn't want to come, which I understand your frustration stemming from that. I'd be irritated and frustrated too.

I'd still sit down and talk to her before sending out invites. It sounds like this is something that could potentially ruin your relationship with her, and unless it was already bad to begin with, I wouldn't want that to happen to you. Even if it was already bad, I wouldn't want to make it worse. If when you speak to her then she still says she isn't coming, fair enough. At least you stepped forward and tried to fix the situation, you know? People always say "be the bigger person" and I think a lot of situations like this are applicable.

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Thanks but she's already said that she's not changing her flights so she is missing the ceremony. There's nothing I can do about that. I don't see the point of even sending her an invite, but I understand why others think I should.

This has nothing to do with the day after, I was just trying to round out the situation so people understand that she was really all for it for a while.

It's like one person said, she really is just using my wedding as an excuse to go to Hawaii, since she made the decision to fly home on my wedding day.

A lot of posts on here are the same thing of people getting upset at others when the people they are upset with have done nothing wrong

Sorry-but I disagree--my sister has done a lot wrong. Booking flights to leave on my wedding day is wrong, especially after making such a big deal about cost-she clearly has no problem spending the money.

For your stepfather, it sounds like you need an official notice to him. He said to let him know where & he'll be there. So, I would just send him an official "Due to needing an exact headcount, we need confirmation of your attendance". Then, if he doesn't reply to that, send another email, confirming he won't be coming. As for your sister, that's super pretty of her. She got mad when her husband told you the truth. It sounds like she backed out, after she helped you plan the luau. Crappy on her. I'd be super pissed, too. Since your wedding is small and everyone seems cool with the 2 days, I think your plans are perfect. Listen, it's your & your FH's day. It's what YOU GUYS want. Everyone coming should respect that and be 100% supportive of whatever you guys want to do. Due to family issues & me not being able to trust them not causing drama, I'm not inviting my father, mother, nor sister. The rest of my family and friends will be there. I feel zero amount guilt for my decision. I don't want drama & I want to ensure everyone has a good time. You shouldn't feel guilty about sticking to your plans nor cutting the drama out of your wedding.

I think everyone is going into formalities, but I think it's about family and being supported my family!!! It's ok to want family (sister) to be there and be support. We all need to feel important and love, specially on your special day! Is it so wrong to think your family would put you and your day first. But that's not happening and it's disappointing and it personally makes me sad! Listen to your heart about this all and do You! Stephanie

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Thanks so much. Yeah it's hard.

My two cents… You have to invite them. They are family, and yes, they are being frustrating, but I would not invite somebody for the behavior you described. You definitely need to set a date and stick to it though! I feel like you saying that your wedding is one day or possibly a different day has open the door for your sister to think that your date is flexible. Set the date, and get married rain or shine. Maybe have a back up plan for rain?

But my sister is the same way, and honestly, she is just the kind of person that needs to have something to complain about. She did the same thing when I got married, and I told her how things were going to be and that was it, and she decided to get on board and be a part of it instead of being a whiny girl in the corner.

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Well he didn't say he would be there, he just ignored the emails with the details.

Thing is, he hasn't offered to help pay for it, or even host it in Tucson (which I wouldn't do because I don't live there and my mom has died so it would be too painful to me)----so in my mind, he has no right to be upset with us for having it in Hawaii----not even sure if he is upset beyond what I have heard from my sister and stepbrother.

My sister is really petty etc. It's sadly typical of her.

This isn't entirely relevant but I PAID FOR HALF HER WEDDING. Yes HALF OF IT. As well dropped everything and flew to AZ for it even though I was slammed at work on a film, AND PAID FOR HER WEDDING NIGHT AND DAY AFTER HOTEL in Tucson (where they lived, but I wanted it to be special for them)... AND bought them tickets to Disneyworld for their honeymoon because that's where they went. So, her not even being there on my wedding day is a HUGE SLAP in the FACE.

As well to those saying it's okay if she has to get back to work---I totally get that---but she doesn't. She could have just as easily taken the 5 days off that included my wedding day, but she chose not to.

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This is incorrect "You definitely need to set a date and stick to it though!" you have misunderstood.

there is ONE WEDDING DATE. ONE not two. The events on the day after were always optional.

We have NEVER SAID that it's possibly another date. No one knows that the wedding will have to move due to rain. NO ONE. It's NOT on the wedding site, it's not on the invites, the save the dates or any communication.

The date is Oct 10th--that is the date.

She is flying out--LEAVING Hawaii on Oct 10th.

Set the date, and get married rain or shine. Maybe have a back up plan for rain?

The backup plan is that they move it to another day. It's always this way with this type of beach wedding. We also could potentially have it in the hotel we are staying at, like in our room or something and then do photos at a later date... but this has never been brought up.

Everything says Oct 10th, everything and she booked her flight to leave on Oct 10th in the afternoon---BEFORE our wedding.

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My apologies. I thought you had said that your stepfather told you to let him know where you're having it and he'd be there. I must have misread. I still would send a last confirmation email, then a "Sorry you can't make it" follow-up if he doesn't respond. That way, he knows you are sticking to deadlines and his P.A. game isn't going to work.

As for your sister, that's extra crappy of her. I would just let her do whatever she plans on doing, since she's clearly going to anyway. I would confirm plans in a general, business-like email, letting her know the same thing. That you both mean business and you're finalizing plans with or without them. Your minds are clear, your stress is lowered, and everyone wins, ya know? If she's unhappy, she has herself to blame. Remember, this is YOUR day. Not hers. Not your stepfathers. Yours and your FH's. Do what makes you both happy and forget the rest. While, yes it's only one day, it's one very important day that you've spent months planning and you deserve to be recognized and center of attention. I would take today to get all of the anger out (you certainly deserve to be angry) and then start off tomorrow with a fresh mind and decide to get down to business and focus on your big day. I think your wedding plans sound amazing! I hope you both find your love of planning again.

(If it helps, we're paying for ours by ourselves, too. My FH's parents may help with some of it, but we're trying to do it all our own. Before my parents found out they weren't invited, they never even implied they'd help with anything. Not even dress shopping, ideas, anything. Please don't feel like you guys are alone in financing it all yourselves. It can sometimes be very overwhelming and you feel like everyone else gets help, why can't you guys. I've certainly felt that way a time or two. It's not fair, but the way I look at it, it becomes solely our day and we get to decide absolutely everything. It will all be 100% our way. Maybe try looking at it like that, so the family drama doesn't take over. I'm sorry you guys have to deal with this.)

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No apologies needed, this is confusing even for me. He was just passive aggressive after I sent like 5 emails with all the details and the wedding site he replied--"when you figure it out, let me know" that's it. That's all he has said to me about the wedding.

And yes to all of this.. t's not fair, but the way I look at it, it becomes solely our day and we get to decide absolutely everything. It will all be 100% our way.

It's EXACTLY how we feel, we are paying for it, so they don't get to say anything. LOL

THANK YOU

I agree with you on several points, but you could never convince me that Hawaii is less expensive than LA. As someone who travels very very often, Tuscon to LA is less than $200 usually and AZ to HI is typically $700ish. Once you get outside of LA proper, accommodations become predictably in the $100+ per night range at perfectly decent hotels. It's way more expensive to eat in HI than LA.

That said, who cares? Your destination wedding could have been in Europe and cost 3x as much and it would still have been fine for you to do that. You don't need to take into account anyone's budget but your own. Of they couldn't afford to come then they would miss it. If my sister came to my wedding destination and not my wedding, we'd probably go years without talking. That's so unacceptable. Your stepdad sounds like he could be PA/rude or could just be oblivious. Call him and ask him directly if he's coming. Or call the girlfriend.

I hope your sister does the right thing and changes her plans.

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Well it is. You can argue all you want but it's more expensive for us and our guests to have it here where we live. You are making statements that aren't true and I'm not sure why. Cheap hotels near me start at $200/night, cheap-run down ones. Cheap art AirBnBs start at $200/night and those are studios. Last time my sister came here she stayed at an AirBnB 45 miles away because of the price and it was still over $150/night. Please don't talk to me like I haven't done the research.

Our resort isn't even $700/night. Our flights to HI round trip were around $400 each Hawaiian airlines is and we got the extra room seats. The other airports are about the same that our people are flying from.

My family isn't in Tucson--just my stepfather---my sister isn't. We would NOT have the wedding there. I am not from there, nor do I have any desire to do that. Again, he didn't offer to pay or help so why would I do that. *** and as someone who has driven and flown to Tucson more than 100 times it is usually between $200-600 round trip. It hasn't been less than $200 since the 90s, except for those rare cases when SWA has sales.

Food is cheaper in HI than it is here-maybe not groceries, but at the resorts, restaurants food trucks etc. Yes it is. For example, last night my FH and I got a quesadilla (split it) and one glass of wine and one rum & coke and it was $48----before tip and that's average here in this neighborhood and I'm not in Beverly Hills.

My point in bringing that up is that because of the cost of hotels, food, gas, tax etc it is cheaper in Hawaii and like I already explained to someone even if flights are higher the cost of everything else is the same or less.

We did take in the budget, trust me, we went over everything, and like you said, we want it there, it's our wedding and honeymoon, we chose Hawaii---no one is forced to come, but then just say that, right?

Call him and ask him directly if he's coming. Or call the girlfriend.

I have called him, he doesn't pick up, he doesn't return calls or emails. The girlfriend hates me.

Thanks for replying I appreciate it.

Take the two seats from your sister and invite two friends. That's b-listing which is considered rude, but clearly it's what you want, so go ahead and do it.

Yes, it is odd more than anything that she scheduled the trip like this. I'm sure that is hurtful, but keep it moving and now you know where you stand with her!

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How is it rude when we have friends that totally understood that it was a destination wedding and we were only inviting immediate family and they have been asking to come?

There are no seats so to speak and my sister isn't coming. She has made that clear so it's not taking away from her.

Also it's not "clearly" what we want, none of this has been what we or I want.

View Quoted Comment Don't bother send an invitation then. Yes, you sent a STD, but at this point why have this bad juju at your wedding. Just know this is the end of the relationship with them. I would leave a VM and write a letter and tell family who speaks with him that he is no longer invited, just so he can't say he didn't get the VM. Is it rude? Sure, but this is causing you more stress than it is worth.

Don't bother send an invitation then. Yes, you sent a STD, but at this point why have this bad juju at your wedding. Just know this is the end of the relationship with them. I would leave a VM and write a letter and tell family who speaks with him that he is no longer invited, just so he can't say he didn't get the VM. Is it rude? Sure, but this is causing you more stress than it is worth.

Thanks, I don't know what to do. It seems like probably the best thing is just send it early, but never mind even inviting anyone else. We are looking at options for a local engagement party here--but like I said it's expensive, more than our entire wedding to even reserve part of a bar with no food here, into the thousands.

THANK YOU