Sister and Stepfather--just Need to Know It's Okay--passive Aggressive Behavior

Okay, I want to see if I have this correctly. Your stepfather asked about the wedding, but hasn't confirmed, and this is causing consternation.
As to that, it is tough to know all the points. But if you have sent him a save the date, etiquette seems to demand you send the invite. Without his actual decline, any assumption can cause offense. This is one of those situations that just sucks all around. I don't envy you dealing with this.
Now, as for your sister. Ignoring the fact that she asked for certain events to happen and will not attend them, if she has told you she will not be at your wedding due to their flight out of Hawaii on that day, then I would think you can accept that as a decline. Simply tell her you regret she will not be there for your wedding, wish her well on her vacation in Hawaii. Do not let any other drama happen. If she is island hopping for the week before and allowing that to cause her to miss your wedding, you can't force it. The fact that she doesn't want to talk to her husband makes it seem as if she didn't want you to know. She may be feeling guilty. Don't let her guilt you.

View Quoted Comment Seats/bodies, what ever it is now that your sister isn't coming give them to your friends. I''m saying you want to invite two friends because you keep bringing it up.

Thats great they are understanding, send them information now.

Stop battling it out out with your family, it is not worth it (to me). This is causing you so much stress, or so it appears. Which I get, but lock in your 15 and move on.

View Quoted Comment

He did not ask about the wedding. He was included in the first rounds of emails we sent out to see if anyone could or would come to Hawaii. He ignored them and replied to the last one saying, "when you figure it out let me know" Then radio silence from him, but he has complained to my sister and stepbrother. Nothing to me.

My sister hasn't said she won't be there, but she said she is flying out on Wed the 10th when I reminded her that is the wedding date she told me to move it to Tuesday.

I want to just move on and not even send them invites officially but everyone seems to think that I need to. I'll just send them early to him I guess and like you say accept that she isn't coming.

Thank you

View Quoted Comment

Well people want to come and we want people who want to be there, but we are getting pressured because people need to request time off work and make plans.

I agree about battling with family, so you think send him the official invite now?

BTW, I have sent all of the small guest lists emails that say if they can't come because it's destination that we are fine with that and understand and we will gladly fly out to them at a later date to have a dinner or something. Nothing. My sister said, "I'm coming" and then last week dropped this bomb on me.

Sorry if keeping this post going but your step father has a girlfriend...which means he isn't married to your mom anymore which means your not related...are you guys still close or did he just start acting like this? If your close then i see why you would care. I think your doing the right thing by sending the invite, let them decide and if they dont come oh well enjoy the others there and enjoy being married.

View Quoted Comment That’s exactly what I was thinking... I was just married on Kauai on 4/7... watching the forecast, I called my planner and she said, we can postpone it til tomorrow, which it was forecast to rain that day too. So, we just pressed forward. It rained both days (this is right before the torrential flooding) so it wouldn’t have made a difference. I’m glad we went forward as planned.

View Quoted Comment

My mom died 14 years ago and no we have never been close. He's been downright awful to me. That said, my stepbrother and I are really close and him and his family are coming. Oddly enough I thought they would say no because it's 5 people, they booked right away.

View Quoted Comment

You got married in the pouring rain outside? I can't imagine anyone wanting to stand outside in pouring rain. But I've already addressed this several times---sorry, I know this is getting super long, but I never asked anyone to carve our Wed and Thursday---not one person. The wedding is Wed. We haven't mentioned rain to them, Thursday has always been optional.

I don't think that you are in the wrong for being so upset about the situation with your step father and sister. I would be very upset too. You don't need drama at your wedding, its your day! But i think it might make more drama to uninvite them, it could cause further upset for everyone. If your sister has said she won't be there than maybe just try letting it end there rather than officially uninviting her. And as for your step father, maybe try telling him you need to know now that you need to know. If he won't directly talk to about the wedding maybe find out from your brother or the people that he is talking to about it if he is planning on going.
It sounds like you have done a lot to try and accomidate for them already.

View Quoted Comment

Hi LB, just seeing your response. It came off rude, so sorry if I misread that. I know how it works.

I have also explained several times how it's cheaper, everything is cheaper there, hotels, food, gas, taxes etc..

Thanks for your replies. We have booked everything for Wed Oct 10th. The wedding, the dinner---it's booked for 15 people, that's all we can have. That's why we needed to know. Does that make sense?

If people can't come that's fine but the way they have acted and or handled it has been ridiculous IMHO, maybe you accept this kind of treatment more than I do, but I try to always consider others feelings when I am invited to things. If I told anyone that I would be there, then I wouldn't schedule a flight at the same time as that event-which is what my sister did.

As far as my stepfather, I think it's awful for him not to say anything. he could easily say, "I'm not sure we can make it, when do you have to know?" But nothing? I think that is rude.

I think that you and me have different definitions of what rude is---which is great actually, it helps me understand people's behavior, so I thank you for your comments. Really helpful

View Quoted Comment

Yeah I wouldn't officially uninvite them, I was thinking of just not sending them invites.

My sister actually said to me, "why do invites? You know who is coming, that's so stupid."

View Quoted Comment I would’ve never invited the ex-stepdad and his gf, especially since he’s not married to your mom anymore and his gf and you don’t get along. As for the sister? That’s just plain rude to plan a full week’s vacay with departure scheduled on your wedding day. Just rude. Screw her.

Shoot... I’ve been married over 2 weeks now and everyone has received the announcements. Radio silence from my 2 sisters and my mom only Facebooked private messaged me ‘best wishes’. That’s it. They’re just haters.

We just married next to a private waterfall in Kauai on 4/7. Every day, it rained. Our coordinator came up with a last minute rain plan of marrying at her friend’s fancy house overlooking Hanalei Bay... but I didn’t want to marry in some stranger’s house... so we pressed forward... sharing an umbrella... lol! It was sweet and memorable and it was just us so it was perfect. We’re having a luau house party in Phoenix this summer... the party plus the wedding and honeymoon is still cheaper than a full blown wedding in Phoenix!

just go for it on the beach!

View Quoted Comment And gas is definitely not cheaper in Hawaii... it was roughly $3.65/ gal 2 weeks ago...

View Quoted Comment

Umbrellas??? That is a great idea!! Didn't even think of that. I'm going to look for some cute white ones!!! LOL ...

CONGRATS on your wedding and I'm sorry about your sister---I am learning that weddings bring out the worst in people.

and yes to this

the party plus the wedding and honeymoon is still cheaper than a full blown wedding in Phoenix!

Same here insert Los Angeles!!! PHX is getting spendy. I lived in Scottsdale in 2005 it's getting crazy high there too, just like here. Would be amazing to have one of those big weddings there on one of the mountains, but yeah, reality.

View Quoted Comment

Hahahaha yeah and it's been over $4 gallon here for more than a month---it's cheaper there. LOL

Arizona is always cheaper, my stepfather sometimes is like, "gas is over $3 here" and I want to scream. LOL Los Angeles is getting insane!!!

View Quoted Comment Well then maybe you should’ve picked an indoor venue... I would stand in the middle of a hurricane if it means I could be married to the love of my life... a little rain won’t hurt anyone.
You can’t change the weather...

View Quoted Comment And Arizona is more expensive than where we live, Houston...
It sounds like there’s many standoffs in this whole scenario...
good luck!

View Quoted Comment

I would too!! Totally!! But I don't think guests will.

I'm loving the idea of umbrellas!!

View Quoted Comment Plus the hike up Camelback sucks!!! LMAO!

View Quoted Comment

Yes it is. I was in Houston for a conference and I took a Super Shuttle and people pointed out gas that was like $2 -something and complaining, this was 2015 and here it was $4/gallon and I was like crying. LOL