Sister and Stepfather--just Need to Know It's Okay--passive Aggressive Behavior

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"we honestly can't afford to do anything more than a wedding on the beach"- then you should have just had a courthouse wedding in your hometown instead of making this huge affair for your guests, which, based on my own research isn't much cheaper. As of right now, a round trip plane ticket to Los Angeles from where I live is $350, a round trip ticket to Hawaii is $800 (for October, I picked a random week in October) it's also a much longer flight so I could assume your guests have to take more time off for travel than they would actually spend at your two day event. Even though you say you have discounted flights I doubt they're a HUGE savings.

"It's fine if people miss because of rain."--except, they can't miss if they are already there? This makes no sense. So if it rains both days you won't get married? You'll try again the next day after your guests leave? This all seems totally unplanned and unpredictable. Not knowing which date will be my wedding day would drive me crazy as a bride and a guest.

The gas may be cheaper, the hotels may be cheaper, but honestly the travel gets me. Living in CA its easier to hop over to Hawaii than it is for people who live more inland. Seems like this was only the truly easier option on yourself and you made it out to seem easier on your guests when its still a DW no matter which way you spin it.

But also, for a two-three day trip, whats the price matter THAT much? $1 cheaper for gas? How much are people driving? Apartment prices don't matter. I know you were trying to make a point but Hawaii is a bunch of islands in the middle of the ocean, it makes no sense that it would be too much cheaper than LA.

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I don't want people to agree, but to be polite I guess.

I value opinions, like yours.

It's fine if people miss the brunch and luau---honesty we don't care at all.

My sister is missing the wedding. Her flight is on Wed---she already told me that I'm selfish because we won't change the wedding date. She won't show up.

So why not invite someone who wants to be there?? That's what we want to do. Because it's Hawaii we have to give people the chance to plan, we can't wait until Sept and then invite friends.

View Quoted Comment I am with you also. I would not change a thing. I think it is very rude for your sister to come then leave the day of the wedding. So technically she is come as a vacation to island hop not for your wedding. I would not deal with their drama and move on.

I do want to say that I do sympathize. My sister didn't show at my wedding and my dad missed the ceremony because of poor planning. It sucked. Invite them and if they don't show then you know where you stand. It's better to know now and you won't give them any ammunition for further drama.

No one scheduled multiple days for a wedding to take place in case of rain. I understand being upset at your sister because she should’ve left Thursday morning but you can’t expect people to leave two evening open for your wedding because you don’t have a rain backup. That’s not a thing and isn’t done it’s not about someone not caring about other’s feelings. You get one day for your wedding and that’s the day that’s on the invite/std. if I had to fly to Hawaii for a wedding I would be spending the rest of my time doing what I want not leaving it open because the bride and groom didn’t prepare for weather

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Yes it is a destination wedding.

We asked every single one of the 10 people we invited if they could come to Hawaii. They ALL said yes-except my stepfather.

Lots of people get married on the beach--sounds like it wouldn't be right for you if you need the rigid predictability of an indoor wedding.

Yes if people leave the day after, they might miss it if the weather is bad. That is their call. We will get married there no matter what.

This isn't a HUGE AFFAIR LOL that made me snort my coffee out, it's a teeny tiny casual beach wedding with 5 couples (now 4 since my sister isn't coming)

If we got married here, it would still be a destination wedding for people to come here.

And BTW if you spent $800 on a plane ticket and $100/night for 5 nights in Hawaii that's $1300.. if you came to where we live and spent $350 on a plane ticket and $200/night for 5 nights that's $1350---still higher and food, gas, car rentals, shuttles, etc,sales taxes etc- all higher here.

So no matter what everyone we invited, our families had to travel.

View Quoted Comment So other posters opinions aren't valued?

Honestly, people are being polite. No one is bashing and people are offering their unbiased opinions, which you voluntarily asked for.

It's fine if they miss the other events? So then why mention the luau in the post when talking about your sister? You're obviously annoyed. She isn't right to call you selfish, though.

You can invite others, but you should still send a formal invite to your sister (even if she can't make it) since she was sent a save the date.

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Our wedding is on Wed--you think I'm being unreasonable to ask that she be at my wedding?

That's ONE DAY not two or more.

View Quoted Comment The food in Hawaii is more expensive. Have you ever been there? They have to import almost everything.

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I only mentioned it because it was her idea. It's fine if she can't come to that. We don't mind at all, I was just sharing that she was planning and now she is leaving the day of the wedding.

Of course I'm annoyed at her. LOL

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Yes and it's not more expensive. It's either the same or cheaper than here. We spent a lot of time pricing restaurants and such.

But again that's not the point . Come here, come to Hawaii for others it's still a destination wedding.

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All posters opinions are valued--sorry didn't mean it that way.

Everybody on this website is geared toward “proper etiquette” but honestly screw that. Proper etiquette doesn’t exist anymore. Yes it is rude of your sister to pull something like that. Saying it’s too expensive but being willing to island hop. It’s obvious where you and your wedding stand in her life. As far as the step father. I wouldn’t have even sent a STD. Mine is still married to my mother and he’s not invited at all. If you don’t want him there, or decide you have 2 other more important people don’t send an invite. Like I said, screw etiquette. Come up with some excuse or tell him straight up why you didn’t send one. Can you tell I’m over the drama and etiquettes of a wedding?

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No one scheduled multiple days for a wedding to take place in case of rain. I understand being upset at your sister because she should’ve left Thursday morning but you can’t expect people to leave two evening open for your wedding because you don’t have a rain backup

Hrm?? Didn't do this.

We scheduled ONE day. Wed.

We have events the following day--that are optional--like the Luau and brunch--if it rains on Wed, that all gets canceled and if people miss the wedding then it's fine. We only want people to be there on Wed--the wedding day. That's it. That's all I asked for. I wanted my sister to stay that extra day--just my sister-so we could spend that day together and it was her idea. She doesn't need to get back for work, she is taking the entire week off and the week before. I know this for a fact.

Yeah I've got a few questions about this because some of it isn't making sense.

1. When was your "I need an answer by now if you're coming" date? You said invites are just a formality? It also makes things official. Maybe your dad wants to see something official to start planning.

2. If you're having a wedding on the beach and having a small dinner at a restaurant after, what numbers do you need and why? What planner did you have to change to adjust and add your dad's GF? I've been to so many weddings here that hired those planner packages and there are no chairs involved (it's a public beach!) so what numbers do you need to know? Are you paying for their accommodations? Or their seats for the luau? Luau tickets can be purchased the day of.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I was born and raised here in Hawaii. And I don't know if you hit the jackpot on finding accommodations and whatnot but I can honestly tell you that it would've been cheaper for us to fly to the mainland and get married there instead of here at home because, yes, everything is way more expensive here. Besides, there are people that prefer hotels to BnB's or VRBO's because of liability, so you can't really say it's cheaper based on pricing that can vary because it's privately owned.

Also, I don't think you have a right to be mad at your sister for not being able to attend a luau that you planned. Yes, based on her suggestion, but nobody forced you to make that plan. You made it on your own accord and, although it sucks she can't make it, you should focus on spending the time with the guests who did instead of holding on to that.

Okay, thanks everyone... so here is my next question.

Since all of you think I still need to send her and my stepfather a formal invitation.

Can I send it early? I know proper etiquette says one month before, but we really want our other friends to be able to plan if those two people (which is 4 total with spouses) drop out. It's not fair to make them wait until Sept.

And I DO APPRECIATE EVERY COMMENT. Being on this forum has helped me and changed my choices on several things. Thank you.

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I'm mad at my sister for not attending the wedding not the luau. The one we are going to sells out in advance, but yeah that's not the issue, it's always been an option.

The planner we are using got a permit for 17 total--so 15 including us and 13 guests--that's the one we chose.

If you're having a wedding on the beach and having a small dinner at a restaurant after, what numbers do you need and why?--we booked a table for 15 total--that was a hassle--more than that and we'd have to rent out the place.

My sister always uses AirBnB--it's cheaper. Trust me. Yes many many many places on the mainland are cheaper, but not where we live, it's not. We are staying in a resort which is about the same as we'd pay here, others are staying at places that are all under $200/night even hotels.

So your sister has officially told you she is not changing her flight and she will not be at your wedding. Invitations have not gone out. Just save the dates. So you send her a (momento) invite knowing she has already told you she isn't coming. If you have another friend to invite in her place, then do it! That's what you wanted to know, right?

I also don't understand why you need a head count, but regardless you should go ahead and send the invitations. It is completely normal to send invites for DW's early, so I would do that and then see what your step-dad and sister do.

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Yes that's what I wanted to know and it got off track.

She's not coming.

But also we only ordered 10 invites LOL