Sister and Stepfather--just Need to Know It's Okay--passive Aggressive Behavior

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Well my sister isn't coming--she has already said that. She is leaving on my wedding day. She is asking me to move the wedding, which I can't even if I wanted to. We fly in the day before, it's not possible.

My stepfather hasn't said that he is coming at all? So it's not uninviting-as someone pointed out, since we haven't sent invites yet at all.

It's either or because we can only have 15 total there including us.

Have you sent invitations (paper) beyond emails and calls? Maybe your stepfather is waiting for a formal invitation? If you have called and emailed and haven't gotten a response are you sure he is receiving the messages?

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Yeah we won't see her at all and I'm upset because she said she can't afford it, and clearly she can It's passive aggressive?

View Quoted Comment Ah, I gotcha, I missed that part. Still, she's flying out to celebrate? It sounds like she's making the effort that she can.

Sounds to me that this is more of a family issue and less of a wedding issue. Was your relationship with your father good before the wedding? If not, why are you surprised he is acting this way? If yes, then I'd confront him and ask why hes been distant. If you haven't sent invites you can't expect people to give you a solid answer.

As far as your sister, yes, its rude that she made it seem as if she was excited about the wedding and the luau and then went and turned it into a vacation for herself and her family without worrying about attending your wedding. I wouldn't move the date, but I also probably wouldn't have picked such an unpredictable event space. What if it rains both days?

When do people need to book travel by/when do you need to know if they're coming? 6 months is advance is far, what if someone loses their job? Or has to move? Life is crazy and I would never RSVP to a destination wedding this far in advance. Does your whole family live on the west coast? I live on the east coast and Hawaii would be very far and expensive for me.

Wait until you absolutely 100% need to know, then ask them if they haven't gotten back to you. If they can come, great, if not, oh well. It's still your wedding day and you can only bend so much for others. Don't let this be the hill you die on.

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Yeah he is because he's been talking to my sister and stepbrother about it.

View Quoted Comment You sent save the dates. Anyone who receives a save the date is essentially invited, as it would be very rude to not send someone an invite after sending then a save the date.

You said stepfather.. what is the dynamics there? Sounds like you aren't even close so why did he get two of the 15 slots.

You aren't being attacked. You asked for opinions. Everyone answered your question. Some agreed with you and some did not.

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We do have to know already, we have already had to give numbers etc. But yeah I totally understand what you are saying.

This is just family and one couple who are coming--they have already booked etc.

"I wouldn't move the date, but I also probably wouldn't have picked such an unpredictable event space. " we honestly can't afford to do anything more than a wedding on the beach. It's fine if people miss because of rain. If it were me I'd make sure to have at least a day on each side of a wedding like this just in case. But I always think of others' feelings first so that's just me.

My family does NOT live on the west coast, which is why it's actually cheaper for them in Hawaii--a lot cheaper. Flights, hotels, airbnb, car rentals, gas, vrbo, everything is cheaper in Hawaii then where we live in Los Angeles. But that's not the point, the point is that my sister complained about the price and then like you said, turned it into a vacation for herself.

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He didn't officially from us, but my sister and stepbrother told him about it and so we sent him the save the dates and emails to be polite. I wish I didn't but I can't take it back.

She's allowed to spend her money how she pleases. It does suck though.

Strange you say that, I know someone who lived in Hawaii and everything was 3x normal prices.

Since you aren't having a formal reception and you aren't booking a location do you really need to know who is coming yet? If you are just going out to dinner after the ceremony can't you wait a little for the final numbers?

Maybe your stepfather is waiting for an invitation or isn't sure yet financially? If you are close and have a good relationship I would try to figure out why he's responding this way.

If you haven't done so already I would send invitations to everyone you sent save the dates to (if you need them to RSVP now).

I think there's a deeper issue here that you haven't told us- and you don't have to.

But don't "uninvite" them because they aren't responding the way you want them to. Yes- it's incredibly irritating that your sister can't make it to something SHE insisted on. Why you did something that someone not getting married dictated is beyond me, but now it's booked so there's no use harping on that.

Sucks that she is going to miss the wedding, sounds like, but I'd still send her an invite. For all you know she will be able to make it after all.

And no one is attacking you. I see people on here saying that ALL THE TIME. Just because someone disagrees with you on here and states their opinion without a at the end of the post doesn't mean they're being rude. They are being upfront and honest and giving you their opinions on a question you asked.

If you just wanted people to agree with you, you'd best not say anything, because not everyone will 100% agree with you.

OP, I hope everything works out for you. I really do. I don't wish anyone on here to have a bad experience with their wedding. But I think you need to take a step back and remember 1- this is one day. It's stressful and important, but to you. It's not going to be as important to ANYONE else, regardless of relation.

Again, sounds like there's some other stuff going on here. Sit down and talk to your sister and your stepfather. Tell them how you feel nicely. I'm sure you'll be able to work everything out.

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It's not though compared to here. Everything is less than Los Angeles. AirBnBs are around $125/night in Maui right there on the beach--gas is about $1 less than here.

Point is though, if they came here it would still be expensive. We are three times normal prices LOL

Gas over $4/gallon, studio apts $****/month, food etc.. AirBnBs in my area start at $200/night..

View Quoted Comment In other words, he did officially receive a save the date. You sent it. That makes it official.

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What are you doing for the reception to thank them all for coming?

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Yes exactly, I did make it official, but he hasn't responded at all except for that first thing about letting him know and complaining to my sister and stepbrother.

We have friends who want to go, so I think that at this point we'd rather have them come.

But I guess you are all right that I can't do anything about it with him. We just want to give others who want to be there time to plan.

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We aren't having a reception. We are taking everyone out to a dinner the night of the wedding.

View Quoted Comment So when did it become a requirement to respond to a save the date?