Sister and Stepfather--just Need to Know It's Okay--passive Aggressive Behavior

Stepfather: Did you have an RSVP date? Has it passed? If so did you call him to follow up on if he is coming? I don't really see that he has done anything *wrong*. Sure it'd be nice if he was more excited about your wedding, but not being excited shouldn't get him barred from the wedding.

Sister: Um Hawaii is expensive. Your sister isn't lying there. And her schedule is really none of your business (IE island hopping, missing the luau and when she wants to get back to work). Now her asking you to change the date is ridiculous but just tell her the date is what it is and you hope she can make it. Side note: IMO, asking your guests to carve out multiple days in case of rain is pretty rude. I had a wedding on the beach, if it rained we had to move it inside. That's life. I would never ask my guests to carve more time out of their schedule for mother nature...

IMO, based on what you've said, neither party deserves to be uninvited.

I didn't ask anyone to "carve out multiple dates" the event is two days, the day of and the day after. The wedding will be changed to the following day if there is rain. ". I had a wedding on the beach, if it rained we had to move it inside"----there is no inside. We aren't getting married at a resort, we used one of those Hawaii planners that meet you on the beach--there is no rain option--there isn't inside, if there is rain, it's moved to the following day. But we didn't ask anyone to carve out multiple days, we planned two days of events and were clear about that upfront and my sister is the one who insisted on the Luau.

I think there is a difference between not being excited and not even replying or saying you are coming? Don't you?

Also not barring, but since both of them have basically said they aren't coming and we need to know for other guests, I don't really want to include them anymore. No?

Hrm? Interesting perspective.

I think their behavior has been awful and yes Hawaii is expensive, but the point I'm making is that she clearly can afford it since they are going to Hawaii but just not for my wedding--see the post--they are leaving ON MY WEDDING DAY--MISSING THE WEDDING?? You don't think that is rude?

I'm honestly asking, because from where I sit that it extremely rude.

Also re: Hawaii--it's LOADS cheaper than if we had the wedding here, so for out of towners like them, it's less and there is no reason to remind me how much it's costing. We invited, come or not, but to make such a big deal about the cost and then come anyhow and leave on the wedding date and miss the wedding.

I think that's beyond rude. Maybe I'm wrong, that's why I'm asking.

DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING!! Ask them out right if they are coming, if they aren't committing then invite who you want there. Dont put up with the drama! This is YOUR day. Sorry but I see so many brides, me too, changing things for other ppl. It's not fair!

If you haven't sent out invites yet how do you know what's going on with your stepfather? Have you called to talk to him about it recently? I don't understand why you wouldn't invite him. You seem mad like you already sent out the invites and the RSVP date has passed and didn't get a response.

With your sister you should try to sit down and talk to her some more. She's your sister after all. You'll regret it if you have a little fight with her and don't invite her and replace her only to have her be able to change her schedule and come but then she can't because you replaced her.

Wait so you haven't even sent out invites and you're expecting people to tell you if they can attend? That's not how it works....

I would never book a venue without a backup plan....

I have called and emailed my stepfather he has not replied to anything. I am mad, of course I am. He doesn't even congratulate us? He doesn't say that he will come? Nothing---silence. So why invite him and the drama?

It's not a "little fight" with my sister, there has been no fight. She isn't coming--she has told me over and over they are leaving on Wed--my wedding day and they won't be there. So I think that I can move on to inviting friends.

carve out multiple dates- yes you did. The wedding and the luau.

So what happens when it rains both Tuesday and Wednesday?

ETA: Wed and thursday

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No I did NOT tell anyone to "carve out" anything.

We planned the wedding for Wed and the brunch and luau for Thursday.

This is a wedding with only 5 couples coming--SMALL wedding.

If people want to leave on Thursday and miss the second day, that is their choice, but my sister in my opinion should be there especially since it was her idea.

She is LEAVING on WED

I think everyone is missing that point.

We don't even arrive until late in the day on Tuesday.

Is this stepfather or father? If stepfather, do you need to invite him at all? Especially if it's been crickets from him and his girlfriend at this point. I would ask one last time just to say "hey making sure you are still planning on coming, need counts" to see if you get a response. If not, I'd use their spot for a close friend or someone else that wants to celebrate you and FH.

For your sister..... SIGH.... First of all it's extremely rude of her to act like this. She has NO right to be so demanding, especially if she's already been through the wedding planning process herself. She should be much more understanding and trying to help you not drive you crazy. I feel like you need to sit down with her, explain that half the things you setup are with her in mind and if she didn't want to spend some time together then you'll make plans that don't include her, but she can't be upset when she's not involved in those activities. Which, it seems like she won't care anyway if she's lying to you and doesn't want you knowing her plans 😒

Even though most people tend to cater to "family first" I'm a bit more cynical at this point in my life haha. I feel like if you don't put forth any efforts to support or encourage me, or have any interest in working in a relationship, why wouldn't I put friends I'm closer with first? Blah blah blah family is forever, but not really if there's no relationship. Before you uninvite, check in with each and replace if needed.

I wasn't rude. I was explaining why you're not getting the response you want. It's cause, that's not how inviting someone to a wedding works. A STD is not a call the RSVP, an invite is. And I had a DW it doesn't change the way that people RSVP, maybe just extends the time in which you do it.

Ahh I see, you don't have a venue. That makes sense. Also clarifies how Hawaii is cheaper than getting married in CA. I couldn't imagine that but thanks for the clarification.

What happens if it rains on the second day?

Be prepared for people to not agree with you here. I am not saying what either of them did is acceptable, but I do not believe what they have done justifies uninviting them. Can you just invite your friends so you have them there if you want them there? Why is it one or the other?

I am sorry that your family isn't as excited about the wedding as you'd like. I can understand why that would upset you. But UNinviting family is a big, possibly relationship ending decision. Is that what you want?

Its easier for you OP. But this is a lot on your guests. Show some understanding of what your asking of them.

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Thanks Erica!!! Seems that you and me are the only ones in this discussion that feel this way.

It seems that I'm being attacked, which I don't understand. I have called and emailed them both. In fact my sister and I have discussed this to death with the plans etc. She just told me last week she is leaving on my wedding day, which I think is unacceptable.

The invitations are really just a formality at this point. Everyone is booked except my stepfather, including my sister but she is leaving on my wedding day--NOT EVEN ATTENDING THE WEDDING

How is getting married in Hawaii cheaper for your guests? Or is it just cheaper for you? I'm confused.

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What is a lot?? Have you read my post?

Asking them to be there ON MY WEDDING DAY???? WHAT???

My sister, who planned the luau and INSISTED that I have it, asking her to be there?? And she also insisted on a brunch or lunch the day after??

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The flights, the hotels, (airBnB, VRBO) are CHEAPER than here for them. All of them.

We checked everything before we did it.

It's WAY more for us as if we were at home there would be no flights and no resorts.

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Its cheaper for her, no venue, small guest list, the airline "discounts" actually end up funding the couples tickets for free.

Just because we arent agreeing with you doesnt mean we're attacking you.

So why did you come here if you weren't looking for different perspectives from people unattached to the situation?

No one is attacking you.

Family is really important, but if your sister has to leave, she has to leave. I don't understand. She'll still be at the wedding, which is the most important part, correct? Why are you up in arms because she said she needs to leave after for work?

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She said shes leaving Wednesday so she will miss the wedding.