Honorary Bridesmaids? Yes or no!

I've been thinking about this all day. The line where you say you can see what she's talking about makes me so sad. I can't. She's wrong. Her thought process is horrible.

OP. At this point it's not even about the wedding. Fuck her as a friend. As a PERSON. How dare she? Because you're black?! Congrats, you've just seen her true colors. You must be beautiful for her to be so intimidated

Nahhh nahhh nahhh, she doesn't deserve your niceness. No need to spare her feelings, she is not your friend. I understand that you probably feel really close to her, especially if she was your MOH. But she clearly does not have the same positive feelings towards you. This is a blessing in disguise, you don't need that racist asshole in your life. You will surely be soooo much better without her. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

ETA: I am still boiling over this ish. "It’s not an easy subject even though l see what she is talking about." Please, PLEASE, PLEASE do not internalize her racism. There is NO way to justify this. I have been in weddings, in which everyone was black except for one BM who was white. It didn't look weird or odd. It certainty didn't take attention away from the bride. Her reasoning is nothing but filthy racism. Know and remember that.

She can take her "honorary BM" and shove it right up her ass where it belongs. I'd nope right out of that friendship OP. You do NOT need to be treated like that!

Oh no, reading @RaeGin's last comment, I just noticed @OP said she sees what the "friend" is talking about. Noooo, @OP, please do not blame yourself or try to rationalize that racist's thought process. You should not apologize for your skin color, your hair, or anything that makes you you. Please do not internalize her horrible comments and start to self-loathe. And please don't try to change yourself to "fit in" with people who don't look like you, especially those who don't value you.

I would let her know you know, and tell you not only are you reconsidering the bs honorary BM position, but reconsidering her friendship. Weddings sure do bring out the worst in people sometime.

Ohhhh hell no! I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Drop this racist person from your life altogether. I'm appalled that she thinks the focus will be too much on you bc you're black and that she think you'll make her pictures look bad. Vomit.

No. What!! Oh hell no. Tell her you won't even be attending as a guest. She does not deserve any more of your time or energy. Ugh this seriously boils my blood. I'm so sorry.

I haven't read the responses but omg that's tacky. Please just say no and move on.

Wow, my mouth is still gaping wide open after reading your update and scrolling through everyone's responses afterwards. please follow the advice of others and tell this girl to fuck right off.

What the fuck? If that was my "friend" she would know EXACTLY how I felt about her and her bitchy racist comments. I wouldn't even try to spare her feelings, because she doesn't deserve that courtesy. She lost that a long fucking time ago. Tell her to go fuck her herself, and find a new honorary bridesmaid. How does she still have 8 bridesmaids when they know she's saying this about someone??

Also, it really breaks my heart that you're saying that you see what she's talking about. What she said is COMPLETELY wrong. Your skin color is perfect, and it does not mess anything up. She's just a dumbass who doesn't deserve your time of day. I hope all of her bridesmaids drop out. I mean, she wanted to be the one to stand out the most anyway and thought a different skin color would take away the fact that she's the bride, so she can just stand alone then.

No that's a BS job. That's what your maid or Matron is for

This incredibly vindictive part of me wants you to go and wear you own wedding dress, eat and drink an obnoxious amount, and when people side eye you tell them you'd be in the wedding party but the bride is a racist, and then leave after dinner without bringing a gift.

But yes, everything about her reasoning is unconscionable. You seem like an extremely patient person and a great friend. Leave this asshole alone and devote your time to friends that reciprocate

ETA: I originally called this idea petty but am changing it to vindictive, because honestly I think that is what your friend deserves.

I would say no thank you to the honorary bridesmaid offer. That's pretty sad she is acting that way but you should still go to the wedding.

Oh hell no. After that racist ass comment you need to end ties with her. She obviously doesn't care about you. I suggest also cutting off any of those mutual friends that were okay with that. Shame on her

Update?

Update is at the bottom of Page 2

Seriously @Vanessa? I am hoping you just haven't read the comments or the update, because there is no WAY IN HELL she should even go to this piece of shit racist bitch's wedding!!

OP, do not let her affect the way you see yourself, and please do not try to "see what she is talking about" or however you worded that. You were made the way you were supposed to be, and are "you" for a reason. Please do not let some racist asshole change the way you think, and do not try to see her side of things, because she is SO DAMN WRONG!!!!!

In this day and age, there is absolutely no place for racism in a friendship, and hopefully it will be going away completely everywhere someday soon.

Decline the "honorary bm" position

Then decline the "best friend" position in her life.

Don't be ashamed to let people know about how disgusting her actions are and let everyone know about it.

I like the idea of going not letting her know you know attend the wedding as a guest I would just go to the reception not the ceremony, eat and drink a ton on her dime, and of course leave no gift. Maybe leave her a card saying "thanks for not including me in your wedding only because my dark skin would ruin your photos. You're such a great best friend. Have a great life."

Man what a fucking bitch. I can't. But whatever you do, cut her out of your life.

FINAL UPDATE (l guess)

We met yesterday night. She stays at my place 2-3 times a week since her job is closer to where l now live with my husband.

She said after l asked, “l am extremely disappointed in you. You more than anyone else, should have understood me and not try to make me the bad person by putting me in such situation.” She said it was extremely hard for her to make such decision and she tried to include me as much as she could without having to hurt me because she truly and sincerely loves me as different to them all l can be. But now, lm getting up in her face questioning her, when l should know noone else would have ever offered me the friendship she gave me here. She said none of our other friends would have ever talked to me if it was not for her (which is a bit true) or asked me to be the honorary bridesmaid at their wedding, and worse a bridesmaid or MOH (that is also kind of true. Some of our friends got married last year and early this year, but l was not part of the BP which is okay because we talk but are not really close).

The reason l say l understand what she meant in my previous post is because l met her and was living before my wedding in a town where l am a “super minority” (like back when l was in college, out of 140 students in class, l will be the only black or in a campus residence of 600 approximately, it was 3 of us). My family lives in Grenoble, France. Others talk to me, but they have their closed group which l am not really part. They will talk to me when they feel like it or ignore me when they do not. Little things like when we have to carpool, it will be like “oh the car is full. Sorry.” But in front of the professor when she asked why l missed a class because my car broke down, it will be like, “why didn’t you ask us?”. Or things like: we are doing a tour by class groups. I will ask “guys, l will go to the restroom and will be back soon,” l will come back to an empty spot, look around forever and then call to hear, “we thought you left. We all left already. We each thought the other told you we were leaving” Or going together carpooling to supermarket, they will forget me and go home. That girl is the only one who really hangs out with me and sometimes involve me in their group activities (which she also mentioned). So of course l want to hold onto that friendship.

At my wedding, my other bridesmaids were my 2 stepsisters (who are actually mixte) and my cousin.

So she left my house upset yesterday night and said she will let me reflect on how l am repaying her and decide whether l ever valued our friendship.

She gave the example of my wedding. She said my outfit was entirely white and the table linens were all white as well. I love blue and green, but didn’t have anything of those colors on myself or on a table being different by having a green or blue linen. Why? Because, it will mess up and ruin the uniformity. It didn’t mean l loved those colors less on that day or in general. My underwear were blue (she knew because l bought them with her), but it was something l had underneath where noone else could see them, but me knowing that l was able to somehow include one of my favorite colors probably made me happy. That was me showing my love and the importance of that color even though l had to do things a certain way to fit a specific standard which is wearing all white and having all white table linens.

Some of our friends called and texted me today saying l should just apologize and that they were surprised l was not understanding her point of view since l know her so well with her obsession with even numbers, perfection, uniformity, etc. (she is a bit OCD).

With all that, should l back down and just call her to apologize?