Getting married before the wedding.

Do what you two think is best for you. Maybe alter the phrasing in the invitations. "Please join us for the holy/religious/what have you union of whoever and their snugglebear" that way it's not the lie that people are fussing about AND it conveys that this is what the two of you view as your true wedding.

One of my closest friends (she's actually a BM in my wedding and I was one in her's) got married legally before the actual ceremony. The reasons weren't what hurt my feelings, what hurt my feelings is that she didn't tell me about it. I know that she didn't *have* to tell me, but it felt like she didn't trust me or something and I was really sad for a bit. I found out a year later that that's what she did and it wasn't that she got married JP that bothered me but that she didn't feel like she could tell me for some reason.

I wouldn't actively try to hide it if this is what you're planning. Especially not from your nearest and dearest.

When you sign your marriage certificate you're married. Whether that be in a courthouse or a religious building. Anything outside of that is a vow renewal.

And as far as the legal aspects it doesn't matter if you have a religious ceremony if you do not sign the legal document and perform their requirements you're not married in the eyes of the law which govern. Which means if you need to make medical decisions for your significant other you can't, you need to add them to your insurance policy or vice versa you can't.

I also think it's unfair to get married and lie. If I found out my fiancé had to deploy tomorrow and we decided to get married the day we had our "insignificant" courthouse wedding would be the day we got married and we would celebrate it as such because once he's my husband I'm claiming that.

Some people I know did it for personal reasons; my best friend had to do it because her husband was in the military and they were getting deploy to Japan, so they had to finalize some paperworks. 6 months later they had another ceremony and reception for their family and friends, and despite them already getting married, I personally didn't care, because I was just that happy for them. You don't have to explain anything to anybody.

My brother got married legally last April I think? It was a couple months after they announced their engagement. His wife is Mexican and they wanted to start the legal paperwork earlier rather than later because she had just lost her job and was here on a work visa. She's an engineer but unless she found an employer willing to do the work visa paperwork, she was going to have to go back to Mexico. It would pretty much duck to have the woman he wants to marry, in another country while planning a wedding. So they just went to the courthouse and did the paperwork. They didn't tell us they did that and we all were looking forward to the huge Mexican destination wedding they were planning, saving money up for it, etc. Then the immigration investigation people or whatever had to investigate whether they truly loved each other or if it was a sham green card marriage (most definitely not!). They had to tell us they were married because we all had to write letters to the government detailing specific examples of how we knew they were actually in love. It was crazy, we had to notarize things and expedite things and provide proof that she had spent the holidays with us, etc. etc. If you've ever seen the the movie Green Card, they actually do all of those things to check it out. Fast forward- they are both Catholic and her family is very traditional and unhappy to discover the two of them were living together. So, next week, we're all going to Mexico to celebrate a traditional Mexican wedding in the Catholic Church and have a huge Mexican party on the beach. It is definitely not a vow renewal, and it definitely made sense for them to get married beforehand and not tell people for practical reasons. Yes, there are some people who think it's dumb and aren't coming because they are already married, so what does it matter?" but those close to the couple understand that this wedding is more meaningful and they want it to be witnessed by their friends and family.

Here's my two cents, like I said before:

I will come to your wedding.

I will also come to your vow renewal.

But please be transparent about what it is that I'm witnessing.

A wedding is the day you actually get married. Anything after that is a vow renewal.

I really don't understand why you would want to start your marriage on a foundation of lies, and people aren't stupid: they'll figure it out. Whether it's via Aunt Margie who has a love for Ancestry.com (which will alert people that there is a new public record on you!), or people being confused when you celebrate your anniversary in December after a couple of months of "marriage."

The best analogy I've seen for this was one another user came up with once: what you're doing is like getting pregnant and having a baby, but since they weren't born when you wanted them to be, insisting on having their birthday several months after they were born. Just because you tell everyone they were born in July instead of January doesn't mean that on all documentation the baby didn't leave your womb in January.

People get pissed at being lied to, over the principal of it. If I attended your vow renewal and didn't know it wasn't a wedding, and found out later that you lied to me, I will probably never have much to do with you. If I'm not important enough for the truth, you're not worth my time. I don't care who you are.

I worked with a lady who took off work to go to a wedding of someone in her family. They kept their kids out of school, her H took off work and they all went to the wedding. They get there and at the reception someone mentions to her that their sweet little nephew has actually been married for a year they just still wanted the big ordeal of a wedding. She was furious because she had been lied to, because she was obviously not important enough to know about the actual marriage, and because their kids had missed school for a fake wedding. They took their gift and went home (along with several other friends and family members who were pissed off). It caused problems for awhile!

"It is definitely not a vow renewal, and it definitely made sense for them to get married beforehand and not tell people for practical reasons."

What does this even mean? If they're already married, it IS a vow renewal.

My cousin dated her husband for 6 months then married him when they visited Hawaii in a private ceremony. They announced they were engaged just before their trip. One of their grandparents was a witness to the wedding and ended up blabbing about it on social media. My whole family was pissed because she said they were getting married sept 2017. A lot of them won't be coming now because why go to a wedding, spending 100's of dollars when 1. It has already happened 2. They kept it a secret from the family. The dude is nice and all but no one knows him. They're military so we understand the short relationship/marriage but there's a bid in my family to see if they last.

Not reading the comments but why would you lie to your friends and family? I would be really offended as a guest at your "wedding."

I've known some people to pull it off, but so you really want to risk it? For example, what if your child finds your marriage license and asks questions? if you tell them the truth, they may tell their cousins and it will spread through your family.

Here we go...

@elizabethk I'm in no way dismissing the courthouse wedding as not being married. If you read what I wrote I stated it is legally a marriage and then technically a vow renewal later.

@meetthebrowns God is present everywhere. He is absolutely present in the courthouse. I said in my post I support and respect everyone for their own opinions and views and am not bashing or trying to take that away from anyone. God is wherever anyone wants him to be for those who believe in him. I was simply stating for me and my FH we prefer to have it in a church. Neither of my brothers had theirs in a church and it was still lovely, sacred, and holy. For that user on here that got married in a courthouse that's great for her, congratulations. You cannot say one thing for every person. I was just saying what we were doing and how we saw our own wedding and marriage. I never said all religious people have to do what we are doing. I'm not naive. I know there are several religions and different views and I respect that. If they have different beliefs then they should do what their religious beliefs tell them to, not mine. I never said they had to do what I'm doing, nor would I ever want them to if its not for them.

We told our families we were doing a courthouse wedding and they absolutely took over and completely changed how we wanted it to be. We ended up canceling it due to everyone thinking it was their wedding. We talked and decided we still wanted to have one (due to multiple multiple reasons that I won't get in to on here) but are not telling anyone. We may tell them after the fact of the courthouse wedding, but not before. I am posting on here to support OP and tell her how I specifically felt about MY own. I was not bashing anyone else or taking away their special moment from them. You cannot set one rule for all weddings. Stop being so hurt over something that was never said and do what it is that you want for your own. You cannot tell someone how to have their own wedding just because you wouldn't have yours that way.

Sorry if people for some reason took offense to my earlier post, but it was strictly to show how I view my own wedding and only my wedding. If someone gets married in a court and that's all they want, then great. I support them. If someone gets married on a lawn then great I support them. If the couple getting married believes God is present at their wedding in a mall, then fabulous I will also believe that and support them.

April, I still don't understand. If marriage is only religious, why get a courthouse marriage at all, if you don't believe in it?

I'm not caught up yet, but to the poster who said "Legal details don't matter"....nice. Really.

Tell that to all the same sex couples who COULDN'T get legally married.

OP: Why not just tell them? I mean...I wouldn't be pissed off if I found out after the fact, but I would definitely be trying to figure out why you lied and kept things from the people you're supposed to love and care about.

Call it a marriage celebration, but its not a wedding if you're already married.

April:

So...why bother getting married before you have your big religious ceremony?

Seems like a waste of time and money...plus...isn't lying a big no no to god?

@samtoine2017 I didn't say I don't believe in a courthouse wedding. I have said multiple times I believe it is still legally a marriage. We are doing it for reasons I cannot say on the internet due to military OPSEC which I think has everyone a little more confused not being able to actually understand why we are doing it.

@yasmina getting married before is actually saving us several thousand dollars rather than wasting money. We are not lying to family and friends. We are telling them about the courthouse, but not until after it happens. When we originally told everyone about it they all wanted to be there for it and completely changed how we wanted it and none of them were paying for it. We do not want anyone there for it so people will not have to come to two celebrations, I think that would be asking too much. Like I just said to samtoine, I cannot legally tell you why we are doing it which is adding confusion to it all. (damn you military) We do plan on changing the title on our invitations so it will not say wedding. We understand technically it is a vow renewal. Also I like how you worded it as marriage celebration. I may use that on the invitations, thanks.

I personally wouldn't care- but some people really do.

I actually got married 7/1/16 due to the fact my employer was changing out benefits and my step son would not be eligible for the free college because under my new insurance they do not count step children- if we got married before 8/1/16 he would be grandfathered in. We decided it was best for our family and their future to be able to give my son and my step son the same opportunities especially FREE COLLEGE EDUCATION! So we told our families and we did it! We are still doing our vow renewal on our 1 year anniversary 7/1/17 which was already picked out way before this change came about. It is not a secret everybody knows we are married and no one has cared. They are all very excited and say we made the right choice for our family. I don't see why you need to lie about it- i would think if i lied about my marriage i was ashamed and i am most def not!

Do what's best for you and your family but i would suggest not lying about it. Make a decision and stand by it. People won't care if you are honest with them.

"To us, marriage is a religious celebration. Therefore we do not consider the courthouse wedding a real wedding as yes, it is legally a wedding, but not in the eyes of God."

So I'm still confused on your reasons for having a "fake" wedding. I'm not saying don't have one, I'm just saying marriages in some form probably existed before current day religions, so that's not actually how that works. But I also understand that you are not going to change your beliefs because a stranger on the Internet pointed that out, and am not trying to tell you to.

I just get frustrated with all the rebuttals of "because God said so" but, I'm thinking with the new guidelines that religion might be off limits.? (Does not make sense on a wedding forum, but okay) so if I need to I can edit it out.