Getting married before the wedding.

Hi Maegan, who are you calling rude?

Thanks La Grosera for your response!

The friends I know who got married at the courthouse do not consider that their wedding anniversary. They consider the day they said the vows they wrote each other, exchanged rings, white dress, etc. their anniversary. To each their own. And I don't side eye my friends or family. Now that is rude.

One of my friends got married last summer( secretly, because she wanted to speed up her husband's visa process ) and then had a vow renewal this past August. No one knew except her immediate family. She told me the day before the wedding, others guests found out after the celebration. And to be honest, we didn't care that they got married a year before. None of her guests were upset that she didn't mention anything. But that was just us.

"It's not just a reception though from what I can tell. It's a ceremony and reception. Basically a wedding except the paperwork was done a few months prior. I get where you're coming from. I've just never seen anyone actually honor the courthouse wedding unless that's the celebration."

@EW it's not a wedding. It's a vow renewal. To suggest that a courthouse isn't a wedding or that anyone doesn't "honor" the courthouse wedding is insulting to anyone who chose to have a courthouse wedding.

@April you can believe that you're not having a "wedding" unless it's religious, but understand that tens of thousands of people fought long and hard for the right to be able to do the "paperwork" you dismiss.

Yes, tell people. Your loved ones will still want to celebrate with you, and you won't have lied to them or hidden your marriage.

@EW I say I would side eye because there's no need to hide it...I can personally attest to the fact that there's absolutely no need to hide being married beforehand. We had our COM and people were just as happy for us as they would have been if we'd put on the dress and tux and marched down the aisle. Nobody that has pitched the idea of getting married beforehand and keeping it a secret has given any sort of reason as to why it makes sense to do so. If there was a logical explanation behind hiding it, people wouldn't be irritated/angry/want to side-eye. The only thing I (as well as others) can think of is that people fear that they won't get gifts if they reveal that they're already married.

If your courthouse wedding is your one and only then yes I'm sure that's what you celebrate and that's great. I just said that the people I knew who went to the courthouse for other reasons other than that was when they wanted to get married didn't consider that their wedding. Yes legally it is a wedding, but emotionally it really wasn't. It was just a legality. I know 2 couples that did it and neither even exchanged rings.

And yes I know people have had to fight for the right to marry and thank God it's finally happening! There are people out there that got married without paperwork and it's valid. The emotional exchange of vows outweighs the legal just a tad.

I had a friend do this. I was one of few who knew they were married months prior. I didn't think it was a big deal that they didn't tell anyone.

The issue that people are trying to point out is that if the courthouse wedding is nothing more than signing some paperwork (which is highly dismissive of a number of marginalized populations), then why hide it? It's just paperwork, right? What's the big deal?

La Grosera, I agree with you in total. Also again, I suspect the people that are keeping it secret do so in fear of reprisal or that people won't take the event as seriously (ie attendance/gifts).

In my opinion, a vow renewal is perfectly OK. There's absolutely no valid reason to keep it secret. Once you've invited guests it does become their business. It's only a fake wedding when it's a re-do of vows made in secret.

I just don't get it. Have a big wedding or don't. A courthouse wedding is still very much a wedding. So get married at the courthouse in December or have your big wedding next September. I just think it's pointless to try to have both. Only one of them is a wedding

I'm not really sure why people would make an active effort to hide it. That's strange. My friends just never brought it up. If I had asked they would have told the truth but why would I think to ask? Just saying it didn't bother me but I guess I'm in the minority. OP just word your invitation differently. Apparently this will save you a lot of butt hurt people in your life.

EW, that's the point of this whole discussion.

She said she doesn't plan on announcing it. Nobody I know actually announced it. Does she actually need to tell everyone "we got married!!" Or can she just change the wording on the invite?

Lord have mercy @EW...that's what @Jacks has been saying. Just change the wording to reflect that it's a vow renewal and everything is peachy.

My sister in law did this and regretted it. They never ended up having their fake wedding and she wishes she would have waited.

She can simply invite accurately. Let people know what they're gathering to witness. That's it. Not hard. Unless you have a second agenda like avoiding reprisal from family or wanting more gifts/attendance. Why else would someone keep it secret?

And some people say it's no-ones business, but it is once you've invited people to attend. Similar to how we say it's no longer just your day when you involve other people.

I just went to a wedding where they "announced" that they were already married via programs. Was I shocked? Yes. Was I mad that they didn't tell everyone they were already married? No, bc I'm not the type of person to hold that against a couple. I go to wedding to support and celebrate with the couple, the legality of the ceremony isn't an issue.

Just know that some people will be upset if you don't tell them. But ultimately, it's your call.

I need that head banging meme.