Getting married before the wedding.

@Bethyonce you do not necessarily exchange vows during the legal signing. This may be a difference between legal systems. For ours (Alberta, Canada), traditional vows are not required to become legally married. All that occurs for the legal piece is signing of paperwork and two declarations (which essentially say that you know of no legal reason you cannot be married and that you do intend to marry the person). So perhaps I just don't know the requirements in America.

As for what makes a wedding day, I think that is a matter of opinion. For someone who is religious, as I am, the day I sign paperwork has little to do with my wedding. The day I am married by a pastor in the eyes of God is my wedding. I happen to be doing both of these things on the same day. To me, it is the vow I make before God, not the paper I sign for the government, that makes the difference. Another person may have a different opinion. Clearly yours is that the day the paperwork is signed is wedding day. That's fair. No one should have to feel like their views are not valid, I just think that each person should be able to choose what they believe and what is right for them, not have something forced upon them.

@Alexa if you're going to lecture us about calming down, you might want to reply to the question being asked. Your response was irrelevant to the question asked by the OP, which was simply should she or shouldn't she tell people she got married early.

April it seems to me, IMO, that if by getting married you are endangering the lives of so many people, I probably would hold off on getting married. Just doesn't seem worth the risk

You can name a next of kin without being legally married. I'm not married and my next of kin is my FH kids right now. It's all just paperwork.

"As for what makes a wedding day, I think that is a matter of opinion."

According to the laws of the United States of America, insurance companies, hospitals, and work places, it's the day you sign the paper. That's why 10% of the population fought so hard for that right that so many others take for granted.

@originalkd it's not the marriage that would be endangering lives. I would never get married if it did. It's telling people on here why FH and I have our own reasons for having a courthouse wedding and then a church wedding that could. All I can say is it's due to military reasons, but for some people that wasn't enough. They need to know every little detail and I cannot give that information out so they just argued that it's invalid and stupid instead

In this instance, it's definitely a vow renewal, but I wonder what the time frame would be between someone getting legally married and having their wedding before the wedding is called a vow renewal.

I am in a special circumstance. I want to have a wedding wedding, but my fiance and I have citizenship in separate countries (US and Italy) and neither of us can legally marry in either of our countries because of tourist visas in the US and crap marriage license laws in Italy. We are going through the marriage visa process and we can't start it until we have a marriage certificate in hand. Our plan is to bureaucratically marry in Denmark (i.e. the Vegas of Europe) in November or December 2018 so we can start the marriage visa process and then have an actual wedding in spring 2019 in Canada since he can't visit the US without a tourist visa (which is impossible to get) until the marriage visa process is complete (ETA spring 2020 - it's a ridiculously long wait). I don't want to tell people who aren't close that we're eloping because who's going to drive or fly to Canada for a vow renewal? We can't have the wedding in my country or in his and no one would travel to Denmark to see us be married. We don't want to legally marry in Canada because it'll take too long to process the marriage certificate (which we need to start the visa process) and a winter wedding in Canada is risky weather and flight-wise. SO STUPID!

This is a big deal for us. We've been doing long-distance for 4 years and I know way more than I would ever care to know about marriage license laws in every North American and European country. As soon as we are bureaucratically married, we have to each head back to our own countries and we won't see each other until the day of our wedding and then we have to head back to our countries again until the marriage visa process is complete. -.-

I absolutely don’t think it’s any of your guests business if you choose to get married before your actual scheduled wedding date.

I’ve talked about this with my family and not a single one said they would care.

View Quoted Comment I absolutely disagree and don’t think anyone would get upset about someone doing what they had to do. They’re not lying to their guests if they get married beforehand and don’t tell anyone😮. Gasp. Why would you be upset if your niece got married in April when her wedding(big song and dance party with food and bar) is in October? She’s feeding you, and paying for you to drink for 6 hours. She’s hosting you. It is yours and your fiancés right to choose whether you tell people. And no one should make you feel bad about it or “your guests have a right to know.”

It’s not “being sneaky.” Because it’s literally not anyone else’s business. If you get hurt by this as a guest- you are way too sensitive and are overreacting.

I absolutely wouldn’t be upset if someone got married months before I went to their wedding. I wouldn’t even know. And I wouldn’t have to know. I’d still give them a gift regardless if they got married in October or April. I won’t give two gifts but still.

I just can’t understand why anyone would feel like they were lied to( I could only see this if it was like the bride and groom’s parents who were close to them) everyone else is not somehow entitled to that information . If someone asked, the bride and groom would likely tell them.

That would be like me getting into a fender bender and not telling you. It’s really not something anyone has to tell anyone. It’s not like the bride and groom owe anyone an explanation. If

It doesn’t matter. The day that the bride and groom recognize their wedding in front of all their friends and family


I’ve discussed this with many people in my adult life and they have all told me that they couldn’t understand why your family or guests would be upset as you’re hosting a party for them.

You do you boo- and Go ahead. Ask the people in your life if they care. I guarantee a majority of them don’t.

So the invitation to the non-wedding of an already-married couple says "Please come to the wedding of..." but that's not a lie? And I don't get to feel lied to when I find out they pretended to get married but it was all a sham? I certainly am "way too sensitive and...overreacting" because I would feel lied to and tricked (both of which would be true), and I would resent it very much.

No. You don’t. Because you’re literally calling their wedding a fake. It’s not deceptive, it’s not a lie, because it not the day the couple recognizes it as their wedding day. They should still get to have their party 🎉 as they’ve planned it. It’s not a sham. It’s their right to get married with or without your approval.

So no- you don’t get to feel lied to. I can’t believe you’d be upset over something that is none of your business. In order for it to be sneaky or deceptive- there sort of has to be malice. Which there’s not. If they didn’t think you’d judge them or make such a big deal about this, they’d tell you.

Are you the type of person who thinks your parents lied to you about Santa and the tooth fairy too?

I’ve talked to tons of adults and they all said they wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t care either and I really wouldn’t think to ask because it’s not my business that they got married out of convenience. It affects your life 0- so still don’t know why this would upset you.

View Quoted Comment Wow that is probably one of the few families where no one cares. Actually to me as soon as you invite any guests to your wedding it's no longer just about to you since folks have to fly, drive or walk to the event. In addition, folks flying across the country, taking time off and paying for car rentals and hotels have a right to know if they are witnessing a marriage ceremony or a reenactment. A lie by deception is still a lie. Unfortunately my family is dealing with this right now. Couple married last year and are having a "wedding" in July. It's causing issues because I know I can't stay quiet since they will be married almost a year when they have the ceremony. I had to put pressure so they would tell our parents. Ridamndiculous.

View Quoted Comment Your take is interesting. A deception is still a lie to me though. A lie by omission. Feeding folks gives no one a right to lie. Also those same folks may be using vacation days and are more than likely paying for hotels, flights or gas. So no you don't get to hide the truth!

View Quoted Comment Well that’s your opinion. It’s not your choice what someone else does and it is their right to celebrate or don’t. It is still not your guests business, like how much you make or spent of your money. I’m sorry you feel that way. Still not malicious or your business as a guest. You are celebrating their marriage. It’s irrelevant if they are paperwork legally married. That’s your right to be hurt- but in my opinion you’re absolutely overreacting. Have a lovely day. If this doesn’t feel right to you, don’t do it. But it is still not your right to be the wedding police. By the way, everyone I talked to said they wouldn’t care. So I guess it’s a know your circle thing then.

View Quoted Comment Interesting lying is ok for tons of folks in this situation- can you say gift grab- I want all the pomp and circumstance of a wedding even though I'm married-. Please do remember that the next time you are lied to. In short it's fine to hide the truth when a public display of a lie is told for many. These same folks have the absolute nerve to be incensed when they are lied to. Please!!!

Sorry, in my opinion (maybe not popular) is that the courthouse wedding IS your wedding. Like it or not, you are choosing for whatever reason to get married at the court house and that is your wedding.

I personally would be offended if I found out later that you were already married. I would feel like...this is a vow renewal, not a wedding. I would think...is this a gift grab? Why have a "do over" wedding. Was your marriage not based on love, so you have to have a show off party. There are so many reasons why people are upset by this type of thing.

Also, I can almost guarantee people will find out as it is public record and required in most Counties to be publically announced via local newspapers.

So what you want, but people have some serious opinions on this one. It ranks right up there with a cash bar. LOL.

Lol yes lying is good so be fine when you are lied to also. Folks no matter how you justify you lack of candor be fine folks will view your character differently in the future and that's ok. To quote Maya "when people show you who they are believe them"!!!

If it's perfectly okay to have a big do-over "wedding" and no guests will care the it's a fraud, you don't have to lie about it, do you? You can simply be honest and tell them it's a dramatic re-enactment, not a wedding--after all, no one will care. Except a couple of us, who won't go--and whose relationships with you would be damaged if you lied and said it was your wedding.