Getting married before the wedding.

Yes you posted what I said, which also proves I did not say I don't believe in it, so I'm still not sure where you're getting that. I was stating it is not what my FH and I believe for OUR wedding as I stated at the very beginning "to us." I was not saying I don't believe in it for all weddings and that it is not valid for anyone else. It is absolutely valid. A legal document comes with it and we will be married as I stated it is a legal wedding therefore I obviously have to believe in it. If I stated I didn't believe we would be married after it then you could absolutely ask how/why I don't believe in it. As I stated previously, I cannot tell you online for the exact reasons of us having a court wedding first so you are going to have to stay confused on that. I'm not asking you to change your beliefs either. I'm asking you to respect what we have chosen to do and respect how we see our own wedding. We want a church ceremony with a reception to follow and our family and friends to be there. We do not want a court wedding, but as I have said multiple times, I cannot tell you why we are doing it. Life happens, please respect that we are very clearly in a different situation than you. My religion is not just a current day one and marriages came about after my religion was established and I'm also not sure why you would make a point to even say that as I never once mentioned what my religion was for you to say marriages probably existed before my religion. I also find it kind of shallow that you get frustrated with people believing in God in different ways than you would if you do believe in God (not sure if you are atheist or not so I cannot say you do or do not believe in God. Also if it is against the new guidelines to call someone shallow I will edit it out). I did not say that you had to do your wedding a certain way because of what I believe. I did not post this to start a religion war - that leads absolutely no where except back and forth as we are doing because clearly we don't agree. All I ask is to please respect that our situation is different than yours. Thank you.

I get so annoyed with this question and I really do see both sides. BUT, I do not understand why you can't get married in December, let everyone know, and then just have a reception in September. Everyone will still be happy to celebrate with you, without you lying to all of them. I literally do not see the point in having a fake ceremony.

Why are you not telling anyone? In reality, it's lying.

Good god people need to calm down. It's 2016, practicality trumps traditions. For a lot of couples being legally married makes life much easier. For example, I'm getting married in a courthouse in 2 weeks and having a big wedding next year in my hometown. I currently live 5500 miles away in a different country. By marrying my fiancé I will be treated as a native and no longer restricted to my student visa. My parents can't afford a last minute flight here. Getting married legally here is easier for us than having to get married in the states and then go through the headache of proving we are married here. Lots of couples marry legally for similar reasons, insurance reasons, financial aid reasons..I've heard so many different reasons that all made sense. My parents would be crushed if they couldn't attend the typical wedding and reception, as would a lot of my friends. If they don't want to come because "ugh but they're ALREADY MARRIED!" Then I don't really want them there. It's a celebration of a marriage and how often do you actually witness a signing of a license at a wedding? You do you. We are telling our close friends and families and will tell others as it comes up. My cousin and my parents both legally married before their celebratory weddings and no one cares.

Coming on a public forum and refusing to cite the reason for why you HAVE to get married legally next month, and then openly tell everyone you are doing it in secret (aka lying) is opening a huge can of worms.

Let me ask you something... if you are religious, what does your religion say about lying? Because that's what you would be doing.

Maybe just say "vow and ring ceremony". It seems like people are splitting hairs here. I've never seen anyone sign a marriage certificate. For all I know they were all married long before I saw them say "I do". Who cares?? I want to see someone say vows to another person. The second time does not make it less emotional or special in my eyes. And receptions are fun!

Did OP ever say why she was having he courthouse wedding early or did I miss that?

Six pages and the OP never came back?

This issue always ends up with people addressing different scenarios, which is really unhelpful. Lots of people don't care either way, so informing them has no effect. Not informing them has no effect. Ok, so they are taken care of whatever you decide to do.

Lots of people have no issue with a couple getting married at the courthouse, and then having a second ceremony with big party afterwards, as long as you are aboveboard with what is going on and what they are invited to. So telling people is the best thing for this group.

A small subset of the above group discourages having that second ceremony and party at all. Most of these folks actually say they just wouldn't prioritize the event they would a wedding, so they may be more likely to decline the invitation if they have to travel or have other commitments. So telling people is the best thing for this group.

One group where it doesn't matter if you tell them or not, and two groups that should be told. That's pretty easy math.

I don't see anyone saying that a couple who gets married for insurance, immigration, deployment, imminent death of close family, what have you, should never have another event to celebrate their marriage.

Get married, send announcements immediately, then send an invitation to a "vow renewal"or a "celebration of marriage". No one has a problem with this, at all. It is all the secrecy and lying that bugs people. There might be some good reason for it floating around out there, but I have never heard one. Note: I am referring to a good reason for the LYING, not for the marriage. Neither OP nor April [NOT APRIL, SEE BELOW] , nor anyone I have ever heard or read about has offered an explanation for why lying is necessary. They always go dark when asked about that, and that gives rise to a lot of speculation that it is related to presents. Which would obviously be revolting.

EW: I am Catholic and you are misstating the church's stance. If someone had a legal ceremony, in a courthouse for example, they would not have a wedding in the Catholic Church to get the marriage fully recognized. They would go through the process for convalidation because a wedding has happened already.

Also, the legal aspect is very important so you can recognized as next of kin. If you aren't legally related to your significant other then if something happens to them you are not the decision maker. You might not be able to see them in the hospital or even be allowed to make funeral arrangements.

I am refusing to tell people why we are getting married this month because

1. I would get arrested

2. It would danger my FH life

3. It would also danger the lives of the others in the military involved

4. It would ruin my FH career

To me neither of those sound like a good idea. If you are not military you may not understand that there are things you cannot tell people. We also do not HAVE to get married. We are not in an arranged marriage. We are not lying like I said. I said we are not telling people before we do it because we don't want anyone to come, but are telling people after. That is not lying as they will all know before the one in 2018 so no it is not what I'm doing.

I agree, April, and I will edit my post accordingly. I think we all get the idea about why you are going that route. Your first point was not clear as to your intention to tell your guests after the ceremony, so that is what had me confused. BTW, as above, no one has an issue with what you are doing. You guys feel you have a compelling reason to get married earlier than anticipated, you are intending to tell everyone immediately after (there are a lot of beautiful announcements on the stationary sites), and you are intending to be clear on the invite that you are married already. Perfect! I think that the wording of your initial post misled some folks, including me, to think you were keeping it secret after the ceremony.

I'm not sure how this turned into more about me than OP. I am not the only one who has mentioned doing this yet everyone is so concerned with how we are having our wedding. Please focus on her questions and her wedding rather than mine.

@alwaysms apologies for not stating or making it clear we were announcing it after. No worries about editing, I really do not mind.

@April - then you might want to change your avatar and change your name to something other than your first name, no?

April, what you are doing isn't even what people here are complaining about. The issue is lying / secrecy. Since you are telling people you are married BEFORE your 2018 celebration, you are not lying. That isn't the same thing. Your initial post really wasn't clear about that.

I find it interesting that a lot of people on here are calling your wedding a "fake" wedding. It isn't fake, don't let that get you down. Often the paperwork has to be dealt with separately from the actual wedding day. For example: people who have a destination wedding outside of their home country (and sometimes even within their home country but out of province/state/etc) often go through the legal process in advance, this ensures that the marriage is legal. You don't hear the guests complaining at the wedding that they aren't actually signing the paperwork there. And of course there are lots of people that believe it isn't a marriage until preformed by a religious leader, which does not require the paperwork be completed then.

I personally would not find an announcement necessary. That said, you may wish to tell your closest family and friends.

If you get married early then yes you should tell people because you are planning for a vow renewal then,not a wedding. Also you give up the bridal shower/bachelor/bachelorette parties, otherwise you are being gift grabby. And if you hide it from people then that is sneaky and people will find out and will be more upset about you hiding it from them than just being open and honest.

Ms.Almost a Wife: Nope. People are not calling it a fake. People are saying that the date that they exchange vows and become legally married is their wedding day. The celebration after the fact is just that. If they exchange vows again, it is a renewal. Not that hard to understand.

Welp. My FH was in a wedding 2 years ago where the couple got legally married in California but later in the year had their ceremony. The bride told us the day before the wedding. I honestly didn't feel any type of way about it. I can understand why some people would be annoyed, but I just don't really care. I'll probably be there either way.