FH's parent's contributed to one son's wedding, but doesn't want to contribute to ours

Hi Vicki!

If they aren't offering money already, I would go ahead and plan to have the wedding without any help from them. For whatever reason, they have not or will not commit money to the wedding at this time. If that changes in the future, great.
Until then, I wouldn't expect much.

If they have not said "NO" yet then you cant say they wont contribute...it just seems like as of now they're undecided if they will/can help out. I would assume they'd gift you the same amount as they did for the BIL's wedding. I agree that's fair, but sometimes things are strange. You should just tell your FH that it'd make sense for him to just ask mom & dad if they think they'll be able to contribute, you do need to know so you can cut your list if need be. Otherwise I'd say create an "A" and "B" list. Leave the "B" list as the "maybe if we can afford/if we have help $-wise". That's kind of what we did. Or your "B" list can be people you invite after you get the can't make it RSVPs back....maybe ask for RSVPs to be returned to you 6-8 weeks prior to wedding this way you can still send out a second "B list" batch...hope this helps :/

Thank you ladies for your responses. I do appreciate your advice!

Its sad, but it happened with us as well. Fh father helped with his brother a couple years ago, now that its our turn he told us to go to the court house... As much as we want to ask, Its better to know we are doing it on our own without the help.

It's probably not favoritism. Finances change from year to year. They probably intended to help all their kids back then, but maybe something in their finances has changed to where they can't now. DH's parents paid for the alcolhol and bar at his older brother's wedding, but that was before the economy tanked. They are not able to help us or their daughter and her fiance with either of our weddings. His mom is especially upset that she can't help her daughter at all. Things happen. Perfect equal fairness isn't always doable. They are his parents, so if he doesn't even want to say anything than there is probably a reason, and you have no right to demand he talk to them or try to guilt them into helping you pay for your wedding.

I agree with Pan. Financial situations change. I am not sure that it has anything to do with favoritism (It might, but probably not). Just sit down an have the conversation with them. You need to know upfront so you can make changes now. If you have to make changes to the guest list, then so be it. If you are paying, its not up to his family.

As a mom of 2 older teens (almost 20 & the other 15) I'd have a coniption if either of them EVER came to me and said you Paid/Did X for him and not for me. And God help the girlfriend that put them up to it. So honey, really take heed to that advice - you will set a life long wedge between you and your inlaws if you continue down this path that most Moms will never be able forget, forgive yes, forget no.

So I'd forget about the money and plan your wedding within your budget. In the event they do give you a check - put it in the bank and use it for a house down payment or something other than the wedding.

Been there its hard ... ans painful.. but we live with it

I personally wouldn't cut from his side only. As you said "fair is fair". It's not Aunt Edna's fault so why should she be cut.

I also agree with Marie that you will drive a wedge and after a few years resentment sets in and if you are "at odds" now, it will only get worse.

As stated above, plan the wedding you can afford. If you are given money by his parents that's icing on the cake. Don't ask for money. Please.

Don't ask for money. But don't cut only his side either.

I understand how that feels. My DH has 3 younger brothers and his mom just about paid for ALL 3 weddings, yet barely had anything to do with ours. Granted she is not working but from what I heard about the other weddings, she "did what she had to" to get the money but his step dad didn't even come. It IS favoritism in this case because she has ALWAYS treated his little brothers like they walk on water. We just planned the wedding without any input or help from any of them and it seems that your FH wants to do that as well.

Don't go around him to ask for money (asking for money is just plain RUDE) and talk to them when he clearly doesn't want you too. That would be disrespectful. Do not cut just his family because his parents wont help either, its unfair to those family members that want to be there.

I wouldn't ask either or force the issue with your FH. Plan to what you can afford. I believe it's been said on these boards several times before but even when parents promise money things can happen and for whatever reason they aren't able to come through. If with out their help you need to cut 20 people or go with buffet vs sit down or do only beer and wine vs. open bar do that. It's not worth starting a marriage with conflict between you and your inlaws. Plan for marriage not for a wedding.

I am the mother of two girls. The ex hubbie and DH and I are covering most of our daughter's wedding. She and her DH are also contributing to some of the extras. I also have a 17 year old daughter. I hope we are in a position to do the same for our 17 year old. However, finances can change.

I also strongly urge you not to get involved in this situtation. As Marie, who is also a parent of older kids mentioned, this is your FH's job, not yours. It will drive a wedge. There could be many reasons why they have not offered and it is not your place to find out why. Pointing out the possibility of favoritism to your FH does nothing but stir the pot.

I also think to delete from his list is just plain rude. Delete from both lists equally.

I totally understand your frustration~ my FH's parents contributed to his bro's wedding but "can't" for ours although they are in the same financial situation, they just felt his bro had less $ so they *needed* to help, & they seem to think our wedding is superfulious. But, my FH does not want their help, in any case. I wish they'd offer to help w/rehersal dinner or the alcohol cost maybe... but I do not count on it.

As far as your guest list goes, the deciding factor of whener, when and who to cut fall into your budget. And believe me, I KNOW the pressure family can put on us to invite all family members far and near, close and practical strangers. In my case, my fh's family is literally about 12 ppl (including him) and mine is in the hundreds, I have 4 parents (w/my step's) and each of them comes from large families and each family has about a million cousisn, aunts, uncles, I have 8 grandparents still alive and most of my great aunts and uncles are still alive & have (cont'd)

Countless 2nd cousins who are married and have theier own children who are also gerown, married and have THEIR OWN children.... my family is stupid big. And though it's been my family helping w/the cost of the event, my dad is paying for the location and food, my mom bought my dress and all our stationary, it's been MY family who is cut- but that's cuz I HAVE family to cut. Where my FH doesn't.

If your family is smaller, then it doesn't make sense to cut your family equally w/his. It's not about their lack of financial help~ it's about what YOU can afford. Good luck~ I know it stinks to feel pressure from family w/guest list stuff.

I agree with the others I would not ask. It's his parents and he knows best. At the end of the day you don't know their financial situation or past history in regards to helping out their children in it's entirety. My parents point blank told me they were more willing to give me more money towards my wedding than my brother because over the years they've had to bail him out of his own stupidity numerous times. I think if you even count they wedding they probably have still spent more on him and he's younger than me.

As an adult it should be obvious life isn't fair...

Cutting guest lists is very difficult- when FH and I first got engaged- we did not know if either side of our families, or both, would be able/willing to contribute.

What we did was give each family a certain amount of people they could invite- just to make it more "fair" - we knew there was no way we would make both sides happy with any arrangement, but being able to explain that this is what the other side of the family is doing made it more justified. it ended up working out really well for us, and cut the guestlist quite a bit - we didnt need to invite neighbors, friends, who FH and I do not know that well because the family knew the guestlist could not get out of control.

I, myself, would never ask my parents or FH parents if they were contributing financially to our wedding.... make the plans as if they are not contributing and I agree that cutting only his side is setting up for a bad relationship with his family.

I have no idea how much my parents contributed to my sisters wedding, nor FH's parents contributions to his sister's wedding... those details don't matter to me. We will be planning our wedding ourselves....

My step mother mentioned that they might "have a little something" to contribute. But I told FH, until that money is in my hot little hand, it doesn't exist. The bonus to paying for everything yourself is that you can make all the decisions yourself! How many threads have we heard about "my mom wants me to invite so-and-so" or "my FMIL wants this centerpiece and I hate it", the list goes on and on...and it's mostly because said family member has contributed money and feels like they should have a say.

That being said..plan what you can plan...invite equal (or as equal as you can) from both sides, and if they chip in some money at some point, then you have extra honeymoon cash! =)