Childfree By Choice? (life, not wedding)

I have a 6 year old from a previous relationship that FH is adopting and we dont want anymore. I can't understand why people think that is odd. And we have 3 couple friends who are all childless by choice.

I guess, for us, we just want to enjoy our one daughter, our money and our free time. And if that's selfish, then so be it. My best friend just had a new baby. He's cute but so much work! They can never leave their house or do anything! Of course, it's their third. And both of them, their stress levels are THROUGH THE ROOF. Just not for us.

Plus, we love the little one we have - and kids are so expensive! FH and I make good money, but between christmas, college, vacations, summer camp, we have NO idea how people afford more than one kid. Its a riddle to us!

I think it's funny how people assume if you don't have kids that you must not be able to. FH has 1 daughter from a previous marriage, but I have never had kids and espcially don't want to start having BAYBAYS now and he is great with that. We want to travel and experience and we just have other things that we want out of life. When I tell someone that I don't have any kids of my own, I am asked "What's wrong? Can you have kids?" I always reply - "I don't know, I have never tried" LOL

I envy the heck out of ALL of you! LOL!! (Mom of 19 year old twins here!)

Seriously, that is crazyness! I've been told stories from my friends whose relatives constantly badger them! Having a child = choice! All I can do is shake my head.

We haven't decided 100% whether or not we want to have kids. We know that we want to wait at least two years after getting married. We have talked about it and both of us could go either way. My Mom has already made it very clear that she thinks it's selfish to not have kids. I think it's more selfish to bring a child into the world when you can't afford it. Right now we are still paying off student loans and we have a car payment. Money isn't super tight or anything, but if we had a kid it would be a financial nightmare.

I go back and forth on this topic quite frequently. I can honestly say that I do not have that "mother instinct" or "ticking clock". I really do not know whether or not I want to have children. Sometimes I think I might one day and others I definitely don't, but I have never been at the "I definitely want kids" stage, so maybe we'll end up childless too. If you went off my Grandmother's clock, I'd be almost done with menopause by now (she was done at 30) so who knows what nature has in store?

Being newlyweds, that's one of the top questions we get now [well really for like the last year since we've been engaged too] :/. WE DON'T WANT ANY CHILDREN! We have both decided that that lifestyle is not for us. If in the future we change our minds, that's fine & we've mutually discussed this, but for now & any time soon, it's not happening! People look at me like I have three heads or look down upon me for that decision. I don't normally let it get to me, but I hate that the conversation gets awkward after I tell them no with a confident smile ;]

ETA: To the next person that tells me, "Oh it changes once they're your own," I want them to read this article.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/09/not-wanting-kids-is-entirely-normal/262367/

Why force an innocent life into a situation that doesn't need to be there?!

DH and I don't want kids. It might change down the road but I don't know. Sometimes I really get that urge to be a momma, but then I go to work and deal with 16 odd kids for 11 hours a day and it reminds me why I don't want kids. We always get crap from my mom and FIL because they have grandbaby fever, but I tell them they have other kids to get grandbabies off it. I'm one of 7 and DH is one of four.

Most of my married friends do not have kids. We live in DC, where expenses are super high and the schools are total crap (meaning you have to pay for private schools). So in our group you have one or two kids in our mid-to-late thirties and then it's closing time for the vag slide.

The thing is, I've never thought to ask people if they're going to have kids, because, 1. it's none of my business, and 2. for all I know, they're TTC and it's not going well, and my asking about it is hurtful. I don't know why it needs to be a subject of cocktail party conversation when people can open a newspaper and find literally hundreds of other topics to discuss.

When I am asked, I change the subject or say something like, "You're asking me if I'm having unprotected sex, which is inappropriate." Unfortunately, some people take it one level higher and feel the need to berate me about my age (I'm 35), how I'm "selfish" and that if I wait too long my baby will be "defective." Holy. Cow.

I can't imagine my life without children and it still annoys me when people start getting onto us about when we're going to conceive... Honestly, people ask the most personal questions! "How often do you try?" Um... none of your business, that's how often. I can only imagine how obnoxious it would be if I were also trying to explain that we didn't intend to have kids ever. Honestly it's funny how people think they can decide those things for you!

I think if you truly don't want a child, that is your choice! My friend (who is a female) doesn't want any kids...at all. Most people thought she was crazy, but I understand why she doesn't want any. I think people should respect your decision. Not everyone wants the responsibility and I feel it's better if you are your FW agree and not have one, then end up having one and despising it.

After reading this thread, I believe that it is the choice between two people if they want to have a baby or not. I have one that is getting ready to be 9 in two weeks and believe me I wish I have waited. I love my daughter with all of my heart but if I would have waited a few more years to have her I feel like I would have been better. Meaning that 1.)I would not have daycare,car note,and household bills all at once, 2.)More time to myself. Other people might always ask whenn are you going to have one or in my case another one but my thing is that these people don't have to raise them, you and your FH,H, or SO do. Also my daughter is at an age now where she have sleepovers and can entertain herself to where I don't have to watch her every minute of the day. I say do what makes you happy and F*** everyone else.

Hahaha! Your STEPsister said it might be hereditary? And she's a doctor? Nice...

"You'll change your mind" sounds like one of the top 5 most condescending things to say to anybody, ever.

I guess to me, my reaction would be different based on who's saying it and why. We definitely want kids but if we didn't, my mom would nag us about it for years. But that's b/c she spent over 10 years trying to conceive so she just wouldn't be able to fathom another POV, and also she would be genuinely worried for us that we'd regret it later. I'd react way differently to her genuine questions and concern than I'd react to a twxtwaffle at a cocktail party who asked about my uterus for no reason whatsoever. That's so inappropriate. Like Shannon said, why people ask about TTC in social situations is beyond me. In private among friends, sure. But in public? That woman could have just had a miscarriage. TTC should be in the off-limits social convo category with politics and religion.

I'm a little worried about this one. FH and I do want kids...eventually. But it's going to be several years. I swear if I get baby questions at the wedding, I'm going to turn to whoever it is and be like...FINE. I'll have one, you pay for all the junk it'll need, plus food, plus caring for it, plus deal with the various sticky/smelly substances that come out of it.

I really do like kids, but am happy with being able to return them at the end of the night.

Fh and discussed this when we first started dating (we are both not in our 20's and didn't have time to jack around with the wrong person). It was probably the single most important choice in choosing each other. We do not want children. It is a decision we both made long ago as individuals and then made again as a couple. I, too, have never had that mothering instinct and feel quite content with my decision to remain childfree. Our parents on the other hand are hoping for an accident to happen!

I recently had a discussion with my Dr about having a tubal and getting an incomplete hysterectomy. (Along with not wanting to have children my uterus has never been my friend) After a long discussion about my decision not to have children she made this statement: "The number of children to have is different for everyone. Some people's number is 2 or 3. Some people the number is 0. I would rather be here now talking about how to keep you from having a baby if you don't want it then

To be here with you pregnant and discussing what your options are from here."

People (including family) need to realize that having a child is not a right. It is a privilege. And not one to be taken lightly. It's a huge resposibilty that cannot be taken lightly. If you are privileged enough to be able to afford to have a child and care for it the way a child should be cared for...thats awesome. But no one should have a child "just because they can" or because it's the next step in life after marriage.

If you are childfree you should definitely read the book "Complete Without Kids". Great book!

Well, Bonnie, it *was* tongue in cheek. The fact remains that an OBGYN, presumably a trained doctor who was required to at least glance at something related to virtue ethics, would sling her BS input.

Oh, man, 30 seconds on Google yielded this gem. From American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists: http://www.acog.org/Resources_And_Publications/Committee_Opinions/Committee_on_Ethics/Ethical_Decision_Making_in_Obstetrics_and_Gynecology

-- quote --

Virtue Ethics

A virtue-based approach relies on qualities of character that dispose health professionals to make choices and decisions that achieve the well-being of patients, respect their autonomous choices, and the like (8, 9). These qualities of character include trustworthiness, prudence, fairness, fortitude, temperance, integrity, self-effacement, and compassion.

-- end quote--

There ya go, folks. If an OBGYN or urologist pulls the "You'll change your mind" stunt with you, point them to this.

My suggestion- start crying! Tears streaming down your face, talking about gynocological problems like uninhabital womb and how you just can't get pregnant... It seems to stop the questions for good.

We thought loooooong and hard about having kids. We have ultimately decided that we want to have them, but I totally understand those that choose to stay childless! I still fret that it's actually more selfish and irresponsible to bring kids into the kind of world we live in today, but mostly just when I'm having a bad day. I hope that we can raise our children to be responsible and accepting and that love is the most important thing in life, and hopefully the world will change in that direction. But I constantly worry about what having kids means and how can you do a good job, and make sure that having them IS the right thing to do. Ugggh second guessing again! It's tough, bravo to you for being decided!