What do I do? Doubts. Sadness.

There are a lot of concerns here, and many of the other posters have addressed them in very useful ways. I'm not great at counseling, so I'll spare you that. I'm the truckstop minister; usually bent on the practical side of things.

When you marry this guy, if you marry this guy, you marry his debt. That is not good, especially if you're smart with your money, which it sounds like you are.

No one, NO ONE deserves to be insulted, yelled at, cursed at or belittled. If either of you are doing that to each other; if a simple disagreement escalates to that, it's not a good sign.

And things will not 'change after marriage' magically. They'll be the same, but you'll be legally bound to them.

Take your time. Be very, very sure that this is right because as painful as it is to cancel a wedding, it's exponentially worse to go through a divorce.

Best wishes to you.

Yelling, screaming and throwing insults are a sign that his argument is about something else. I recommend on top of the anger management individual counseling for him to get to the bottom of how he communicates with you. You're in our prayers.

I don't know you, so take this with a grain of salt, but I don't think counseling is the answer here. Some couples can fight dirty and be fine 30 minutes later-- it doesn't sound like you want that kind of relationship. Some couples can "live in the moment" financially without worrying about long-term goals and financial stability-- it doesn't sound like you want to live like that. If counseling/anger management had made any kind of difference thus far, then maybe it would be worth your time, but I think you REALLY need to consider that maybe the two of you (despite loving each other) are not compatible, and maybe think hard about whether moving on is the right answer here. I just don't think things should have to be this hard.

Thank you for the insight ladies. @Rebecca--you are correct--We have been to one counseling session so far and the way the night ended was with our counselor suggesting that we cancel or postpone the wedding.

Of course, as expected, FH has been wonderful since the last session. He's claimed he's had a revelation and knows what he needs to do now to be a better person & FH. I am obviously hesitant but I do have to say that I am pleased with his new found language of taking responsibility for his actions. Instead of "you pissed me off which is why I am yelling at you" it's "I did x, y, z wrong and I understand that I've hurt you and no matter what the circumstances are, I have no right to treat you that way and need to work on myself to fix it."

I am hopeful, but trying not to be naïve. Again, it's hard being on the inside of the relationship and knowing that while he has significant flaws, he is truly a wonderful and sweet-hearted human being.

We have two more sessions scheduled as of right now so we will see how it goes. I've postponed any more wedding planning at this point. We have decided to still go to our meeting with our priest next week as well. Updates to follow.

Thanks again for the feedback everyone.

Good luck! Hope everything goes well for you, but unfortunately from my own personal experiences its' very easy to "change" for a year, but how someone truly is will always come back. I'm glad things are going better though.

You still have to face the money issues.

@Celia -- yes, I know... not sure how that is going to work out. He could start saving and being more responsible now and there would still be no way to know whether it would be sustainable for him or not. Hard to tell if any changes he makes will be temporary or long lasting.

And I agree @Emily.. which has been the problem before--he changes temporarily and reverts back to his "old ways". He has talked about how he truly dislikes these issues about himself though and wants to change them whether we stay together or not. Again, hopeful but not getting my hopes up.

OP - I know this is hard for you (trust me, I've been EXACTLY where you are now), but because I see so much of my past self in you, I do feel very invested in your story. I simply hope that my advice can help even one person can avoid the long and drawn out pain I endured. Therefore, I really feel that just postponing active wedding planning is not going to be enough. You need to truly postpone the wedding itself, and take any future date off the table. Having a "deadline" like a set wedding date will provide additional leverage for your FH to continue manipulating you into accepting what you have already determined to be unacceptable conditions. The "proof in the pudding" will come if/when your FH is still willing to work on his issues after you have taken the wedding date off the table.

@MHP Your gut is seriously giving you the full blown siren and you're trying to rationalize your way through the red flags.

Please take some time to yourself and dig deep into your heart. The constant "Things will change when...." and things not changing is showing you exactly how he will continue to deal with these problems. Circumstantial changes are a pacifier. He promises, you hope it will happen and hold on. That cycle needs to be broken and changes need to be made now or you are in for a lifetime of the same problems (or a gut wrenching divorce).

I have been in a relationship that eerily similar to what you describe. My advice, save your sanity and heart by letting go of this relationship.

I am engaged. My best friend is not. I was always the one in terrible relationships, all my exes would insult me and treat me horrible until I met my fiance who treats me like a queen. My best friend was always the one telling me to dump my loser boyfriends, now she is the one in a horribly abusive relationship. He insults her all the time. Looking at it from the outside in, I understand why she used to tell me the things she did. Now she is the one blind to his faults! Crazy how tables can turn.

Anyway, my point is, sometimes you can get so caught up in things you may be blind to what is really going on. Sounds like you are starting to figure it out and that's good. I think it's normal to have doubts here and there because reality kicks in and you realize this is forever now, but if those feelings persist and you feel like they are over powering the good feelings, then something is wrong. Remember, some guys never change, some do but it takes a long time! Much longer than us girls. You have to figure out if it's worth waiting for it. Also, remember your family has your best interest at heart. If your family is starting to notice the problems, maybe they are bigger than you thought.

Hope that helped. Good luck to you!

I feel like I should at least give counseling a chance before I make "the decision". It was alarming to hear what the counselor had to say about cancelling the wedding but she also gave us some hope that things could be fixed.

If it comes down to it and we have to cancel or "postpone" the wedding--I think I would opt towards cancelling the wedding and end our relationship completely. I don't think I would have the energy (or patience) to stick around for however many years for something that might not ever happen.

It's stressful and while I have doubts, I still feel like I owe it (to us) to give it one last effort and see where our counseling sessions take us.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. But if you have doubt of any kind I dont think you should be getting married.

On the flip side of that... FH and I were fighting a ton when we first got engaged. It has settled down now but there for awhile it was like everyday, and over stupid little small things that would end up in big things. Just like you are explaining. I know it was because we were both under so much stress with wedding planning and money questions and problems, it really put us both on edge. In turn we were turning on each other. Out pre-marital counseling actually really help us out with this. Maybe you need to talk to someone, it really did work for us.

"I don't think I would have the energy (or patience) to stick around for however many years for something that might not ever happen."

There it is. You already have your answer. Your FH is not going to make a 180 degree turnaround on his core behavior patterns in 8 months (time between now and your wedding date). That is a completely illogical and unrealistic expectation to make. Please listen to what your own heart is trying to tell you. I suspect that you, like me, are an Empath, and that is why ending this relationship is so hard for you to do. You always think of the effect it will have on him, over and above what it is doing to you. I know you love him, and see the good in him and the potential, and don't want to give up what you think might be possible. But is it worth destroying a little piece of your soul bit by bit every day of your life? That is the future I see ahead of you if you stay, and thus is based on real life experience and lots of research. Is it *possible* he could make the changes you want in time for your June wedding and have them be permanent and lasting? Sure. But the probability is about as high as your winning the lottery. And I would venture to guess that a smart, organized, sensible woman like you doesn't make major life decisions based on the *possibility* of a winning lottery ticket every time you buy a ticket. So don't be willing to do the same thing with your marriage.

That said, I don't think you should give up on the counseling. I absolutely 100% support your doing that. Just be sure you have reasonable expectations on the outcome.

What I am going to say may be controversial but I stand by it.

When you meet the right person, there is NO QUESTION. NONE. You just know it. You will know with every cell in your being and there will be no doubt. You will know. 100% sure.

What happens if you don't know? See above. Because if you don't know, he's not the one.

I would deal with your doubts and concerns before saying I Do! They will not just go away. Only you know whats best for you and what you deserve. Good luck on y'all learning and growing together!

LB-- that's sort of always my same thought :/ I also think it's telling that the counselor outright said the wedding should be cancelled or postponed. . . counselors/therapists/etc never give that explicit of advice!

I definitely wouldn't send STD's -- in fact, they aren't really a requirement at all, so skip them all together unless you're 100% sure. I think you already are delaying your wedding as I saw in the other post, but I just wanted to share my concern for your situation. Money issues are pretty major. Things will not change just because you're married. And while I agree, it's fine to be a breadwinner the other party still has to be financially responsible, and it sounds like he is not.

Beyond going for couple's counselling, you may also want to go together to do some debt management. Maybe he doesn't understand *how* to pay off his loans, what to prioritize or see a clear path to being debt-free. Beyond changing his spending habits may be a huge challenge and that's a risk if you marry someone who doesn't have the same financial values as yourself -- they can pull you into debt as well. I actually be quite wary of this. Finances is beyond love, and sometimes even beyond respect and goes deep into a person's values and beliefs.

In terms of anger management, hopefully the professionals will help

I agree with LB - As much as I'd hate for you to go through the heartbreak of it - there really is no questioning... I would have questioned every relationship prior to FH but I have NEVER questioned FH. Actually I was crying because I was so stressed out the other day and my friend said to me "What's wrong? Cold feet?" ... I said "hell no!" Everything is so easy with him and I remember what it was like to be with people who have anger issues and make you feel low. You don't need that in your life. I don't want to tell you what to do, but I think you need to do what's best for you. You are wonderful and you deserve 100% happiness!

I also just want to reiterate what LisaKitty said a few posts ago: it is simply not realistic to think that your FH will be able to totally change his behavior before your wedding next June.

You say you don't want to stick around for years for something that might never happen. But that is exactly what will happen, even if you get married as scheduled. With issues like his, this will be something he has to work on for years, whether you are married or not, together or not.