What do I do? Doubts. Sadness.

@BookcaseHat -- I have brought this up to FH and he has recognized it as an issue and has told me "If you ever feel like I am raising my voice or insulting you, tell me while it is going on so I can fix it." He says that he sometimes just gets in the moment and doesn't realize what he is doing is so hurtful--his mother screams/yells/insults his father all the time, and I know he grew up watching that, which I am sure has contributed to his skewed image of disagreements should be handled.

That being said, I have addressed this with him "in the moment"... I will say "FH, remember what we talked about.. stop talking to me this way--don't swear/yell/insult me" and he will reply "I don't fucking care you're pissing me off," or something along those lines. Then after a short amount of time has passed, he will cool down and apologize. So while I say he wants to change his behavior, Im not so sure he is giving it his best effort..

ETA: Thank you so much Caroline for your kind words.

This sounds like a little more than normal pre-wedding cold feet. On the other hand, it took everything I had to make myself walk down that aisle. That was 43 years ago and I am more in love with my husband than ever. It's a glorious ride and I wouldn't trade him for all the gold in the world or the richest mogul or the most handsome Hollywood actor.

My impression from your post is that you guys are solid. The problem is your FH never learned how to fight FAIR. This is not something that is hard to understand or learn but it amazes me how many adults have never learned this lesson. When you go to counseling ask the counselor specifically about "fighting fair" and see how it goes. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. WE CARE!

@TheRascal -- we have discussed finances several times, which also ends up in arguments. I don't know if I am being overly burdensome about saving or if he really just isn't making a reasonable effort--I guess the counselor can also offer an outside perspective on this issue.

His new job is offering student loan forgiveness after 10 years of service.. so his loan payment will drop from $200/month to $65/month (neither of which I thought was a lot to begin with, again, considering his salary and bills).

ETA: Thank you MidwestMay! That is very comforting to hear. I think that is why I keep going back and forth in my head. I am very blessed/lucky to have grown up with such amazing parents who taught me how to save money and never live beyond my means; how to disagree but still respect others opinions; and how relationships should and shouldn't be. FH didn't necessarily get that from his parents--and don't get me wrong, he has very loving parents--they are just somewhat irresponsible themselves. He has made some SERIOUS changes and improvements since we first started dating and that is why I have hope that things could get better. I still however have this doubt in my gut and don't know what to make of it.

Thank you ALL for your feedback and opinions.

Well that is very concerning. Money problems are the #1 cause of divorce. On top of the standard pre-marital couseling you're doing, I would recommend that you take Financial Peace University (AKA FPU by Dave Ramsey) together. I agree with the others when it comes to his behavior issues.

@O&S Oh ok, I misintepreted what you said. You meant compromise as a whole instead on a specific issue, I think.

I would definitely recommend going to a church Pastor, if you have one. They can provide free to little cost pre marital counseling! It sounds like you guys could really use it! So sorry you are going through this!!

WHOA!! Did not see the continue in the comments.............. I remember your previous post about his spending. Have you guys worked through how you're going to handle finances post-wedding? Don't send those STDs until you do and find a way to insulate yourself from his debt.

This is very concerning and I think your gut is telling you something here. Your dad loves you and wants to best for you so consider what he says. Financial problems are a huge reason for divorce so you need to determine whether you are okay going into this marriage with the state of his finances. His insults are a huge red flag and I do not see that changing if it has already been set in your relationship that he will behave that way- he hasn't stopped despite counseling so his chances of ever stopping are slim. You need to think about your future- are you okay being the only financially responsible partner? Having all the financial weight fall on your shoulders? Are you okay being insulted and screamed at by someone who "loves" you for the rest of your life? Do you want your children one day to reflect your and FHs relationship? Children reflect what they see, do you want your daughter to think its okay to be called names? While I believe FH loves you, it seems like he has big issues to deal with on his own. You should marry a man you love as he is, who you can accept as he is. Can you marry him knowing this is who he may likely be for your entire future? I would strongly consider waiting until you are comfortable with the way he treats you otherwise you are committing yourself to an unsettling and unknown future.

Edited for grammar!

It's funny because I felt like this before we were engaged. My FH and I have been together for 3 years. About a year and half into our relationship the fighting started. It was unbearable. It was constant, over the smallest things, and it went from a little spat to a full out slam the door and not talk for 4 hours. Once it was over me buying the wrong jelly. He was angry all the time and not sleeping. I was ready to call it quits. I told him he needed to figure it out and that there was something wrong with him. He was not himself. We decided to see his family physician and he was diagnosed with depression and had to take a sleep apnea test. He also recommended diet and exercise as my FH was about 70lbs overweight. He is now on anti-depressants and started new habits to help him sleep. We have never been closer as a couple. His sex drive does go up and down a bit due to his medication but we are both so happy. I'm really happy I stuck it out. Now we are engaged =)

Maybe there is an underlying medical problem that you should look into.

I think having doubts is normal especially when you fight. My fiance and I fight sometimes but Most of the time, it's over little things and that's when I question about our relationship. What I do know though is, I'd rather spend time fighting with him then being with anyone else. I think you have to figure out whether you can live the rest of your life fighting like that because it'll probably won't change..

I have created a Mint.Com account for myself after my last post and FH told me he was going to create one but never did. I have reminded him several times but he hasn't done it and I don't want to get into another argument about it. He tells me that everything will change once we get married.. that he won't be golfing anymore (or at least not as much) and he will be saving his money. But he also told me that exact statement a couple of times before-- "Everything will be different once we move into our own place.." Then we got an apartment and it was "Everything will be different once we get engaged"... then we got engaged.. and now--you get the picture.

I am hoping this couples counselor we are seeing on Monday can offer some insight about the finances but if she can't then we will probably have to see someone who specializes with these issues.

@ Natasha -- that was a concern to me that I have mentioned to FH. I definitely don't want to have my children see this and I most certainly don't ever want to put my children through a divorce.. this is one of the things we talked about when I said I wanted to make an appointment to see a counselor.

Sometimes I think that I can deal with the financial issues for the rest of my life... I don't mind being the "breadwinner" or spending/saving more money on us than he does--but I don't like the arguments that can arise from this. For example, him being late with giving me his share of the rent can result in arguments.. or him complaining about not wanting to treat me to dinner once in a while because he "doesn't have the funds"--even though he has "the funds" for golfing or buying his friends gifts or drinks.

I do think that depression/anxiety contributes to FH's anger management issues... but unfortunately he doesn't believe in therapy which is exactly where I think he would need to sort that out. He has gone to anger management (per my request) and is going to go to couples counseling (even though he doesn't think we need it) but I really wish he would talk to someone on his own.

I will be the first person to agree that there is nothing wrong with the woman being the breadwinner- it is empowering. That said, I do think that it could wear on someone to not only be the breadwinner but also be the only financially responsible person. For him to be fully capable and working but to expect YOU to be the only one saving for the wedding and house is disrespectful to you. He appears to be more concerned with his own fun and hobbies than your future. That's a huge deal. You need to be on the same page with finances. You are just starting this life together, life is going to get more expensive with children and eventually retirement. Are you prepared to fund this 100% yourself while he just carelessly spends his money on his hobbies? There appears to be as respect issue that hopefully will be addressed in counseling. The way he treats you in arguments and with the way he carelessly spends his money while you save is a respect issue. I used to spend way too much monthly on clothes (such a girl!) and FH sat me down saying he was concerned. We set up a budget that we both abide to and both contribute monthly to a joint savings account. I respect him and knew how hard he works for us and our lifestyle and I wanted him to know that I respected him enough to do the same.

I hope my last message doesn't come off too harsh, I say it with love and concern for you. I do not know your relationship and I'm sure all the wonderful aspects that FH does have, but I am concerned about the things you did say. Arguing is normal, 100% normal. But the names he calls you and his financial disregard are not.

@Natasha thank you for your feedback--was not harsh at all and I appreciate your opinions/concerns on the matter. I guess for now we just have to wait and see if counseling can help or if our issues are too deep rooted to fix.

I second 100% what Natasha said, and would strongly recommend not sending the STDs until after you two have had several sessions of counseling. I have been where you are now, as the primary (sometimes only) breadwinner in the relationship and the only one with any sense of financial responsibility. Let me tell you, it is extremely demoralizing and brings with it a lot of resentment, and that only gets worse with time. I had the same doubts as you do now when I was engaged to my first husband, but I ignored my inner voice because "he was such a great guy otherwise" (not actually true), and we had gone "too far" in the process, and everyone was expecting a wedding, and several other rationalizations I'm sure have already run through your head a time or two. So we got married, and 9 extremely difficult and abusive years later, we divorced. Just something to consider.

The phrase "things will change after we're married" concerns me greatly. As a rule, that is not true. Someone who is lazy, or careless, or chronically tardy, or disorganized, or a liar, or a cheater, or whatever else, will not suddenly change their ways once they say vows. I wouldn't tell you what to do, because only you know the whole situation. But from what you have given, I would personally react by telling him the wedding is postponed indefinitely until he gets his act together, mans up, and shows that he will be pulling his weight in this relationship. Just like you wouldn't expect him to work and earn money so you can sit at home at watch Netflix, he shouldn't expect that he can sign a marriage license and pass his debts and problems on to you. The number amount itself isn't the problem (realistically, that's only 1 year of college at a private institution...many people have much more than that). Instead, it is his apparent lack of concern over resolving the situation.

My FH has serious anger issues. He would usually blow up over anything that was said to him no matter how big or small and no matter who said it. Always on the defense. Showing his emotions physically by throwing thing (his favorite), and yelling. He needed help like really just in life not even in our rship. Last year (about 6 months before we got engaged) he went to anger management it was a 12 week hour and a half voluntary class, a local mega church offers it free. It really changed things for him. It took me agreeing to go with him to get him started. That was disappointing bc i wanted him to do it for himself but i learned a lot. for one i learned I dont have anger issues (LOL). I also learned the signs and triggers so that I didnt have to have those kinds of encounters w/ FH. And blown up fights like we use to have we have only had 2 since we finished the class and they were no where near as bad. He still has work to do of course, hes not perfect but if he was at 75% before he brought it down to 25%. I also learned from the class what 100% looked like there were several ppl in the class with abusive rships, broken marriages, lost their children due to their temper, or got in legal trouble bc of anger so FH was able to see the road he was headed down. I think talking to the guys in class who lost it all (wife, job, kids, in trouble with police all because of anger) def made FH realize no matter what you cant let anyone take you there (that angry place where you are out of control) bc you will end up alone. i would highly recommend this. mostly for him alone, but if he wont go unless you go i would suggest you as well. then after that look into joint martial counseling. i wouldnt give up bc he can certainly change for the better. i am glad i stuck it out with FH. I only wished he had gotten help it way earlier so i wouldnt have had to experience the hurt, but we def grew together as a result and he appreciates me more because of it.

The 'I don't fucking care' seriously concerns me.

I can't add a lot and I'm not good at adding a lot, but if you do get married, I'd look into some kind of prenup, particularly to do with the debt. I'm not a finances lawyer but you should (maybe not as a prenup, but as some kind of paperwork) be able to draft up a way to keep it separate from your finances after marriage (I looked into this because I felt guilty letting my student loan debt become my husband's, and because it might effect house hunting, but I live in Canada).

Planning a wedding will bring some disagreements but disrespecting you by yelling is wrong. If you have any doubt I would wait. Work on the relationship and then married when the doubts are gone.

I agree with others that the way he is speaking to you is concerning. Definitely seek out counseling and see how that goes.

I do have doubts/questions occasionally; however, I also recognize that 95% of that is my OCD brain being a bitch =)